Your grans classics

@cheapskatemum did your nan work for the royals, or was she connected in some other way? Intriguing!

Darn it overCOOKED

When referring to overlooked meat "och it's as dry as old harry" (also used when she was thirsty and wanted a cup of tea!)

My my mother sometimes mangled certain words. Ad-mir-al-itty instead of admiralty; tara-macadam for tar macadam, and cement semixer. My 91 year old MIL said she was having a new fangled veg with her dinner - "they're called manjy towt'. Her son said it's pronounced 'mange tout' mum. 'Nonsense! It clearly says 'manjy towt' (the manjy to rhyme with man')

My Nan, “I cried because I had no shoes, then I saw a man with no feet”

Recognise a few:

“Pink to make the boys wink “

I was also nagged to take off jackets etc indoors or I “wouldn’t get the benefit” upon exiting!

My grandpa used to drive a Ford Anglia which made a roaring noise as he drove off. My granny used to say that it was because he drove like Stirling Moses!

never trust a man who wears white shoes".

My Nan used to say that.

Also, "look at that, like church hall hat pegs them" when nipples could be seen.

My gran, to anyone with messy hair - 'you look like the wild man of Borneo'

While they were still alive my Dh and I had a who's-gran-is-the-most-jingoistic competition. My gran was wining for a while with her opinion that all teenage mums should be made to have abortions then forcibly sterilised. The DH's gran, who was a lovely old dear in Belfast and a knee jerk unionist, was admitted to hospital and within hours knew whether every other patient on the ward was protestant or catholic. Except she wouldn't say the word catholic out loud, she insisted on calling them fenians - out loud. DH's gran was still winning when his cousin got engaged to a catholic girl. 'It'll have to be a quiet wedding' she announced 'as it's a mixed marriage'. We told this story to my gran who roared in laughter, saying 'it's not as if it's a darkie or anything.' My gran extended her lead when the neighbours moved out and she proudly showed her broad minded modern credentials by saying anyone could move in, she didn't mind, 'darkies or chinkies or anyone' DH's gran finally won whne her friend who took her to church was late picking her up and told her how she was nearly run off the road by young hoodlums driving to fast. 'They must've been on their way to chapel' said her friend. 'Nonsense' said DH's gran, 'sure they could've been on their way to play hurley or anything' - because of course they had to be catholic!

My maternal grandmother could have written the screenplay for “The Crown”, when I watched it I realised I knew most of the storylines thanks to her!

I’m sure mine can’t have been the only one to threaten, “I’ll have your guts for garters” when she wanted us unruly GCs to behave. I was a rather literal thinker and it used to make me shudder!

My other gran would always say 'put your rubbers on' (wellies) when we went for a walk . Once I got a bit older and knew the other meaning of rubbers, I found this hysterically funny. Also 'put your feet on' or 'your woolies' (all knitwear).
There was someone in the family whom my Nan really disliked , 'she's got no 'air, Alltoo! No 'air! Looks like baby bird'!

It's sad to think that once that generation goes all that humour goes too. I don't think our generation are half as funny, just different times.

the Irish currency at the time; the Cunt

Classic auto correct fail

I'm so glad this is in classics - cheers HQ!

I had tears earlier both from missing my cheeky chops Granny and from laughing so much [GRIN]

'Pink to make the boys wink' is one my 96 year old gran comes out with. Think there was also a 'try before you buy' when my cousin (30) moved in with her boyfriend. Definitely meant in a good way and not judging. She also calls everyone 'dear'.

My nan now has advanced dementia and is 94. Before she got poorly she insisted on telling us about how she met Gdad:

"well he wasn't much of a dancer but he liked tight trousers and brill creme. Good enough." They were married 65 years before he died!

My Nan is the best! She's in her late 90's and still lives by herself at home but goes to a day centre 3 times a week,

"Why on earth would I want to go in there, its full of bloody old people!"

It is also not a Christmas until Nan has said something inappropriate over the dinner table,

"Eh, you're luck with all those presents, I couldn't even get a decent par of stocking in the war without servicing a Navvy for em!"

And me, 30 weeks pregnant, we poking me in the bump with her walking stick,

"Come on, I'm nearly 100 I'm not sticking around for many more weeks waiting for you to come into the world!"

My amazing late DGM told me I was very unlucky to be 'caught' again, when I told her I was pregnant with number three. She added, 'I was unlucky too and got caught very quickly, it turned out to be your mother'! (who she adored)

@GissASquizz
but she did call all babies 'maggots arse.' Pronounced 'maggits'.

Not my gran, but someone else's...describing her GS's girlfriend who was staying over. Said that she looked lovely with her make-up on, but without the make-up, first thing in the morning "she do look like a maggot".

Describing someone else "she couldn't stop a pig in a passage".

My late dgm was hilarious!

She was German and had lived here for 60 years but still spoke with her accent..

When her dd had a baby called Cameron-
"That's bloody cruel that, calling your baby after an African country"

When on a day trip with her dd and son in law she saw a sign on the motorway saying •NARROW LANES• and then said "ooh lovely, is that where we're going? Sounds so nice"

About my friend, in front of my friend-
"Tracy you're a lovely girl but you do look like a greyhound" we still piss ourselves laughing over that one

"Your father is a beast" this was a long running family joke, she never got on with my dad as they clashed and she always said this to me when I was a child

The best one for me was when we were in the car one day and my brother was 12 at the time started laughing at something and she turned around and said to him " what are you laughing at? Asshole"

God I miss her

My nana used to put olive oil on our skin instead of sun screen!!!!! I'm not repeating the racist things her and my grandad said. It's too much.

"never trust a man who wears white shoes".

Love this thread.

"Don't pull faces, when the wind changes you'll stay like that"

Shortly after my birth "She's got his jib" referring to my absent father.

At church about the little room where the altar boys got changed "God lives in that room" - I was terrified to walk past it.

Racist/non-pc ones:

At church - where a group of travellers attended "Don't stand near the Tinkers they'll whip you away" 🤦🏻‍♀️

"I'm not having any coffee-coloured great grandchildren" 🤦🏻‍♀️

"She's a Jew but she's lovely^^ though" 🤦🏻‍♀️.

She also called me Fanny Adams, which is quite disturbing when you read about her.