Your grans classics

My mother to her rather pudgy GS - "you'll never get a girlfriend if you don't lose weight". I said to her later "Why did you say something so awful to him?" and she said "someone has to tell him!" ☹️

a button hole in a fur coat was plenty excitement enough

Not entirely sure I get that, but I have my suspicions 🤣

Apologies, I've been reading the thread backward so just came on the original 'beef to the heel' post and see it was quoted in full.

Gran: have you lost weight?
Me: yes
Gran: good! You needed to.

Jean at the end of our Lane is old enough to be everyone's Granma and acts like it has been coming out with some classics recently. Her partner (yup they live together not married shes 80 odd but likes a bit to help her along apparently) likes his holidays and she has told him to just go and leave her at home - because going on holiday with him is like taking yer coals to Newcastle....

Had me and my neighbour in stitches

'We, he's a handsome looking fella, isn't he?'

Wistful sigh...

'If I'd not met your Grandad...'

Whilst watching footage of Mikhael Gorbachev on the news

GM: "You're very pretty, you know?"
Me: "Aw, thanks very much Grandma. So were you when you were younger."
GM: "No I wasn't. I was plain which I am grateful for because I still look ok now. Pretty doesn't last"

She then proceeded to tell a 14 year old me about how her pretty friends' looks went down the pan quickly but all the plain ones aged well. Cheeky mare

On the other side of the family the phrase "they stood on Wendover hill and threw them buggers in" was used to refer to things like scones that didn't have much fruit in them.

@toomuchtooold

beef to the heels

That's an Irish one - "beef to the heel, like a Mullingar heifer".

An old boss used to sniff disapprovingly if some youngster was too prissy and whisper to me "slept too long with the granny"

I LOVE yours, Daffodil!

I was lanky/thin as a kid and my nan used to say 'Thoroughbreds are never fat.'

at George Michael's UTI!

beef to the heels

Oh my god it's been so long since I heard that one I didn't know I knew it until you said it!

“Sensible at sixteen, deadly dull at twenty one.”

Probably after I’d done some teenage silliness. I loved my grandma.

Over Christmas dinner a few years ago when talk somehow turned to George Michael:

"I don't think anyone can comment on his personal life. He might have been in that toilet for so long because he had a urine infection."

@LightDrizzle

“You could ride bare-arsed to London on that knife!”

Best one ever! 🤣

Wetting myself.

Classics nomination is away.

My Granny

Yer arse and parsley (you're talking rubbish)
You're talkin like a wee delph doll with a clay arse (you're talking rubbish)
God forgive me (inhaling cake)
Slap it into ye (dealing with a hangover or falling off something and mortally injuring yourself after being told to stop it)

She was some woman.

My cousin sent me a text to say they'd had another baby and called her the same name as Dgran. I was like 'is the world ready for another one?"

Miss her so much. She's been dead for 30 odd years and her infectious laughter and crazy sense of humour and energy I see in DD. It's lovely :)

When my brother was getting divorced - my Nana told him she'd pay for a really good Bannister !!! I'm hoping she meant Barrister :)

Just after I was born, to my mum:
"She looks like a skinned rabbit, no way I'm ever babysitting that!"

Later, when I was a child, cutting up a Mars bar into six pieces, offering me one, and leaving the rest on the table: "You've had enough, I'll have those tomorrow!"

My MIL (so the DCs granny) swears blind she saw the Pyramids when she visited Lourdes in the south of France. She wasn't overly impressed and doesn't understand why people make special trips to see them.

"Ohhhh thats worthless" after receiving a lovely gift from my aunt. She meant priceless 🤣

why she never got a free weefee (WiFi) with her tea.

Oh we have glory holes here! the cupboard under the stairs kind.

And another.........
Asking the girl behind the counter in a cafe why she never got a free weefee (WiFi) with her tea....... There’s a sign up saying free weefee don’t you know.

"Want to go dogging" she meant take the dogs out 😂😂

''You'll never get a boyfriend unless you wear a padded bra.''

My nan had a real turn of phrase and could be a bit like Mrs Malaprop, getting things just slightly wrong. Years ago we were all at hers and she was watching Rod Stewart on the telly.

Nan : ooh, it's that Rod Stewart, he's a sexy bugger you know.

Then, in very hushed and confidential tones "of course, you know he's bifocal don't you"

After a minute we realised she meant bi-sexual. Cue stifled sniggers and a stampede out to the garden to have a laugh...

" the fellas will promise you the stars just to get your knickers off" to a 13 year old me!

Turns out she was right!!