Your grans classics

My mum and her sisters planned a surprise party for their parent's 50th wedding anniversary, They applied to the Registry for a copy of the wedding certificate to discover that they hadn't actually been married 50 years but only 40 and my eldest aunt was born only 4 months after they married. We (next generation) all thought it was hilarious but I don't think my mum ever got over it.

My Dad (90 and granddad to 10)
On leaving the church following his younger brother's funeral, he said to my aunt (88) 'four down two to go' He outlived her but wasn't well enough for her funeral.

My great aunt lived with my aunt towards the end of her life. She had never married, due to her fiancé dying the trenches. When my cousin brought home a very tall boyfriend she asked him if he was a gentleman.

"Er yes, I hope so"

"Good, she'll be on top then. Wouldn't want to break a little thing like her".

This was at Sunday dinner. Bless him, he didn't let it put him off, and they've been married 20 years now.

Every time I've seen my grandma for the past 10+ years, she's asked me if my eyelashes are my own!

Gran: Do you ever comb your hair?
Me: No, Gran, never.
Gran: Do you even own a comb?
Me:No, Gran, I don’t
Gran: When is your birthday again?? I’ll give you comb.
THIS; several times a year;-))
Dear old Gran didn’t understand New Wave.......😂😂😂

An Aunt who had lived in Leicester in the same street all her life declared to me - I don't know why you want to go to that London for, you can get everything here in Leicester you can get in London.

Another Aunt when my sister got a fright and said her heart was racing with the adrenaline.
ADRENALINE - We managed without adrenaline in my day - said in a voice of total disgust. We all fell about laughing.

My DGM regularly asked for orgasmic blueberries and Vietnamese whirls when I rang for her shopping list, god I miss her

Nans sister used to say she was that dry she could drink it through a shitty cloth 🤢

This was one of my gran's classics, usually said in a hushed condescending voice on seeing a very elderly, bent over person walking along the street

"Poor dab, he's calling for the earth"

(ie getting near to being in their grave)

At big family Christmas dinner, pause in conversation as everyone is eating and my Nan comes out with "Well, they didn't have sperm banks in my day" (cue tumbleweed). God knows where that came from, nobody was talking about banks or sperm for that matter.

When she was a little older used to say "quick get the Condom" she meant the Commode. Bless her.

"What's for you won't go by you" - in response to anything from job interviews to university applications, house moves and boyfriends.

"That girl ought to put a cardigan on, she'll catch her death" - usually in response to Madonna or Geri Halliwell wearing very little!

"I wouldn't mind the Spice Girls if they could sing, but they're awful vulgar.."

A dear departed friend: "The 60s were amusing on the whole... the younger generation all thought they'd invented sex, drugs and loud music and we didn't have the heart to spoil the illusion..."

When I was about 12 “too young for boys and too old for toys!”

My gran on my mums side was a bit of a character - wild horses wouldn’t keep her away from her nightly bingo. On her way there with her chum one night, they were accosted by a flasher. ‘Jaysus Mary, I’ve seen bigger spricks (tiny fish)’, grabbed him under one armpit while her friend took the other, and they marched him to the nearby police station with his pants round his ankles.

My aunty hated being called Christine she brought a new boyfriend home and he called her Chris grandma shouted at him " we don't shorten names in this house do we....Kenny" she never called grandad Kenneth he was always Ken or Kenny but no-one else was allowed to have a shortened name

Not my grandma but my granda says I have housemaid's knees!

And now the only acceptable answer to 'what's for tea?' is 'shit with sugar on' because my great-nana wouldn't answer any other way.

Just remembered another one & it mentions bairns (Yorkshire on both sides of family)

Fools & bairns should not see things half done.

@TheMonkeyMummy - no, Midlands. (Sorry, only just seen your comment!!)

My nanna, when presented with something us grandkids had made or drawn, used to sigh and say 'That's as rare as rocking horse shit, that is!'

If someone was getting above themselves (in my gran's opinion)

"Look at her, she thinks she's Erchie, an her only Erchie's dog"

My Nan, aged well into her 80s, recounting her visit to get her hair done: "Me and this other girl was sitiing in the hairdressers and she said..."

Not long before her expected death in her late nineties, she said cheerfully "I'm looking forward to meeting the good Lord, but I wish he would hurry up a bit".

Yeah, it was probably that. I was only 10 when she died, so probably didn't understand the full meaning!

I wish I could remember more of her sayings, she was a right hoot.

@cheapskatemum
My Granny used fur coat no knickers but it meant someone with false airs and graces, something like looks nice on the outside, posh and done up but no knickers underneath!!

"All fur coat and no knickers" meant stuck up (Dad's Mum)

Oh god.. reminds me of my Mum and both Grabdmas who have all left us now. All Yorkshire women though and through

Re nipples “ sticking out like chapel at pegs “ ( at = hat)
“ She’s no better than she ought to be “ ( when someone is stuck up)
“Telll the truth and shame the devil”

Mum told me my spots would go once “ you’ve been with a man” I was 13 and knew this was highly dodgy advice!

Grandma admiring clothes “ Them’ s Marks’s they are!”

Gosh no, @decbug, the Queen Mother was her heroine though and she must have read every bit of royal —gossip— news in the magazines & newspapers, then drawn her own conclusions eg about Princess Margaret