As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

I was extraordinarily grateful to the FD when my mum died

We're Jewish, and the funeral home (who the synagogue recommended) were amazing

She died at home on a Friday morning, the GP came to certify her, then a couple of hours later max the gentlemen from the funeral home came to collect her body.

I don't know if the chevra kadisha were provided by the synagogue to the funeral home, or the funeral home had their own arrangements, but it was a comfort to know that she wasn't alone at any point until she was buried, as that would have mattered to her

All we had to do was drop in the green form before the end of the day and the FD told us they'd take care of the rest. There literally wasn't anything else for us to do because there's no choosing of coffins or clothes or funeral service etc. Because she died on a Friday - and Jewish funerals can't be help on a Saturday - , she was actually buried on the Sunday, so 48h rather than the customary 24h later.

I can't imagine having to wait weeks between a loved one passing and their funeral - I was so very grateful that everything was organised so swiftly and professionally

If you do Jewish burials, how does it work with your funeral home and the Jewish burial rites (and what's the relationship with a chevra kadisha (Jewish burial society) if so?)

Such a fascinating thread, thank you OP!

Can I ask
What are you meant to do if someone dies very suddenly? Like, if I woke up tomorrow and found a relative had died in their sleep, would I need to call my local funeral director or call 101/999? What should be your first point of contact when you find someone who has passed?

I wouldn't know what to do in this situation.

@RustyParker

Maybe if your sister had some facial oedema from ITU this could redistribute (in the direction of gravity) after her death? Possibly contribute to a wider/flatter appearance of her face? But I am only making a guess.

@RustyParker

Sorry I know I'm not the person you asked but I thought I might try to help.

I'm not sure that anyone will be able to give you a clear, definitive answer to your question; only speculation.

I would say that what you describe doesn't seem to happen to the faces of living people who spend weeks or months on ITU (though they may become swollen, or thin or a combination).

I expect the sinking/flattening changes you noted are related to natural processes occurring after death. Muscles go through a few different changes, first slackening and then sometimes tightening or contracting before slackening again (or not). Because a person's muscle tone and voluntary control of the facial muscles forms such a big part of what they look like when they are alive (their cheeky smile, their kindly eyes etc), it seems that the appearance of the face can change quite a lot just because those muscles aren't working any more. From my (reasonably limited) experience a "sunken" appearance is quite common. Because your sister was so young, the contrast may have been a lot greater than in an elder person who's facial features often look a bit more sunken naturally as they age (when alive). We have a lot of muscles working continuously to support our tissues - when that tone disappears structures would appear less full, or less taut, and perhaps more prone to the effects of gravity.

The changes I can think of occurring from ITU is patients may develop some puffiness (dependant oedema) especially of hands and feet; and being intubated could cause swelling or bruising to the lips, marks on the cheeks where the tube was fixed or worst case scenario broken teeth (I'm sure you would know if that had happened however, it's quite unusual). As well as marks from the location of IV cannulas or other devices.

No problem, thank you for taking the time to answer

It was the most surreal thing I ever saw, I will never forget it. I feel so guilty about wanting to just get out of there. I might contact the FD and ask them if they have ever experienced that before. I don't expect them to remember 5 years ago but I hope they don't mind me asking.

Thank you again for this thread x

Can you explain "direct to crem" with a little more detail - how direct is direct? What does the direct-ness miss out? Can that be direct from home/hospital to crem? How long is direct likely to take? Hours, days, weeks etc. Sounds like something we would definitely consider doing, again I love my folks but would rather do our own private thing once we had dealt with the body quick and cheap..

oohnarna - I appreciate it's late and you've been kindly answering questions for ages but I asked a question upthread that's really been on my mind regarding my twin's condition in the chapel of rest and when you have time I would really appreciate your thoughts.

She was in her 30's when she died and was on life support for 3/4 days before dying. in the Chapel of Rest her face was changing literally every few seconds before our eyes i.e. nose flattening, face broadening. I was wondering if this could have been due to the weakened muscles from being on life support? Would appreciate knowing if you have any idea what could have caused this. Thank you

Thanks for replying oohnarna, I'll look more into Funeral Plans, it's all quite a worry really as costs are rising.

I have a real fear of death/deceased bodies (catholic upbringing and bodies being brought into church etc didn't help). I have always said I would never visit DPs in chapel of rest but reality is I may very well have to. Can you tell me what the process would be - would it be an open casket, will I have to be on my own etc. How will they look or smell

I know a funeral director, it's been a life long career. I've heard all sorts of stories so it doesn't really shock me anymore.

One thing that did touch me was that they were really stoic and were adamant they would never cry at anyone dying. Then we had a funeral the first they'd been too in a very long time, I got separated from them unfortunately, it was hard seeing them get upset at this funeral.

I was annoyed at the fact that the next of kin can dictate everything, down to who sees the deceased, as I would have wanted to say goodbye.

I was also told by this FD that usually names are taken at funerals and if you are down as 'do not enter' they will diplomatically as possible refuse entry. Also they are on call generally 24/7 365 days a year. There is a rota, you can be called out at any time. If your FD works with other agencies to deal with removing bodies, you can deal sadly with people who have been deceased a while.

Can I ask as the FD I know won't answer this. I noticed that a relatives coffin was at an angle at the feet facing forwards I think. Why would that be?

Do you have a loathing of agencies over family run businesses like the person I know does. They claim that family run businesses do the trade properly.

Thanks for this thread, and to Shrimpi and Kermit

crispsandsandwiches I'm going to PM you
to so many people on this thread.

@oohnarna my best friend died 4 weeks ago from a. Drugs overdose.

He's had a post mortem and I am considering going to see him next week before his funeral.
I'm not sure whether he was embalmed or not - the PM wasn't until 3 weeks after he'd died so not sure if embalming is possible in those circumstances.
I'd like to ask what kind of condition he's going to be in now a month on ? I can't face seeing him if he's going to look awful

No worries - I did think it is getting a little late in the day!
Thank you for your answer!

My DM died when I was a teenager & her fiance paid for the funeral.

Her ashes are still at the FD, I don't get on with her fiance and I've tried numerous times over the past 10+ years to get hold of her ashes but he won't reply to anything I send to him and the FD won't let me have them either as their contract is with him as he paid for the funeral.

Where can I go from here - is there anything I can do?
Thank you!

Sorry to be so late!

oohnarna can you say what to look out for when choosing a funeral plan please?
How detailed would it have to be, music & prayers for instance?