As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

When I visit chapel of rest to see my nan I was with my mum and baby daughter,the lovely funeral director said “ I will watch the little one while you go in” well it was a good job he did as I took one look at nan and screamed the place down,she looked absolutely hideous (I’ve seen several people shortly after death,and I guess that’s what I was expecting,but it was a week later and truly awful,I’ve said I’d never ever go again and haven’t since that day and that was 20 years ago

@Shrimpi - Not at all, thank you for chipping in with your thoughts.

I appreciate you can't say for sure but what you said does make sense and I suspect probably was the case. It has helped to think it was natural and have a likely reason why, I was upset for a long time thinking something wrong was happening to her body so thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.

Can I also say that the Doctors in the CCU were wonderful and even took the time a couple of weeks after to sit down and answer my questions. Things happened so quickly that I don't think I took it all in at the time so the debrief helped so much.

If someone dies and has contagious diseases are they treated differently(health and safety purposes)and can they be buried or do they have to be cremated(and does this kill any pathogens?)

We had a meh experience with co op.i don't like they have a clothing bank right outside either .it almost implies dump off clothes here now they don't need them....

When dp mum died suddenly of pancreatic cancer we opt a family run business and they were wonderful.i felt they treated both her and my partner with equal sensitivity and couldn't do enough to make her send off exactly how she would've wanted it.it gave my partner so much comfort

Much appreciated thread

Fascinating thread. Can I ask: what happens if the deceased is cremated and the jewellery (say a wedding ring) is left on the body? Is that even permitted?

Thank you so much @oohnarna!

How is it that Jewish funerals are arranged so quickly when other funerals seem to take so long?

Do the synagogue send someone to the funeral home to help prepare / watch over the body?

Thank you so much!

Thank you to the doctor up thread who explained about people's faces not necessarily reflecting their last moments. That has really helped me as I can still see my Dad's face shortly after he died, I remember saying to the nurse in the room 'that's not my Daddy', I guess they may have used equipment to try and resuscitate him plus changes had started, despite us going into the room soon after he died. Anyway I can't remember your name because I had to sit and think for a while but thank you for explaining that.

My mother was an alcoholic and died young at 38 I was asked if I wanted to see her I said no anyway but was told she would be in a bag like a hazardous bag inside a coffin as she had hepitis. Would this have been true?

Is this true:
Our FD said they require a list of who is allowed to visit the body and a reason for this is because there are sick people out there who try to visit random bodies and do “things” to them.
Very sick

No wish to hijack, oohnarna is ding a fab job but jumping on as an independent family funeral director to confirm:
We don't charge for children's funerals (under 18yrs)
We allow families time to pay if necessary (and quite often have people sent to us from the co-op who won't!)
We always look after the dec'd as if they were our own family. (No FD would ever harm or injure a dec'd person)
Jewellery is always left on or returned to the family according to their instruction.
We dont embalm unless specifically requested / for repatriation. We never suture lips or use padding - we keep people as natural as possible.
We are happy to provide whatever three family wants from just a coffin or use of a hearse, to a direct cremation, to full on horse drawn funeral.
Cardboard coffins are surprisingly sturdy but check you're local crematorium accept them as not all do.
Wicker type coffins should be strong and well built - the standard varies hugely so ask to see an actual example (sadly some FD buy in cheap ones to make more money)
Query earlier re foot of coffin sloping out from base to lid - this is the standard design of most coffins. Peoples feet tend to slope this way too.

Thanks so much for this thread, @oohnarna to you and all those posters

Thank you for this thread
Okay this is a weird one :/
If I was to go tomorrow everyone knows I want to be buried with my 9ft stainless steel pole(which breaks into thirds)
Soooo... possible?

Toad, two of our family members have had woodland burials, they were wonderful. I think they both had cotton shrouds but am sure the OP can advise.

I have been considering a woodland burial and a shroud, is the shroud something I need to reconsider or is it acceptable, what I have read about them makes it seem OK.

In response to those asking about what happens if no one is able to pay for the funeral -

One of my patients (I was a nurse working in a hospital) died but was estranged from his daughter. She was notified of the death but did not want any part in the arrangements.

The funeral was arranged and paid for by the council.

I went along to the funeral as I didn't like the idea of someone being buried alone.

I was so surprised at what happened. The coffin arrived in a hearse with the undertakers. The funeral was conducted, by a minister, in exactly the same way as any other funeral I have ever been to. It was so respectfully done, with a service and music etc. The funeral directors had no idea that anyone would be going so this wasn't done for my benefit.

I was really touched that everyone involved provided such a beautiful, respectful service for someone that had no one to mourn him.

Thank you for this thread op

This may be more a question for a mortuary attendant but when I went to see my late DH in the chapel of rest I noticed that he had a neat trianglar shaped nick taken out of one of his earlobes. I have always wondered why. Can you cast any light?

Can I ask who makes the deceased look peaceful/resting and how they do it?

I'm presuming that make-up is used in some (all?) cases.

What happens in particularly difficult cases where there's significant discolouration of the face? Is there a point where you advise the family not to view their relative

(I'm asking this as someone I know took their own life and I can't help but wonder how they would have looked to the family - another mutual friend was told that she didn't look like her at all)

You sound absolutely lovely @oohnarna - if I ever need to arrange a funeral I'd like it to be with someone like you. Where are you based north or south?

When I was an hca we would do last offices when a patient died in hospital. If a person died at home is this something a fd would do for them, do families ask to do this/are they allowed?
All my family members have died in hospital or in one case (suicide) needed a pm so I don't know what happens at home. Thanks.

@TitsalinaBumSquash Sorry to butt in on the thread but I noticed you asked about a family member dying during surgery earlier. I just wanted to reassure you that she would have had her surgical scar closed. Also, her dignity would have been maintained in theatre at all times, she wouldn't have been left uncovered, or alone. She would have had a wash and a fresh gown put on and I always used to talk to patients whilst we were doing this. Hopefully that is of some comfort.

I've a couple of Scotland vs England questions. I've only attended 1 English funeral but lived beside a FH for a short time.

In Scotland funerals are normally within 5-7 days, 2 weeks at the most if they have passed around the Christmas period. I have never seen horses or doves at Scottish Funerals.

Why is there such a delay for English funerals? What percentage of funerals have horses and doves?

In Scotland there is normally a service at either the church or FH and a quick service at the crem (30min slot).
The one straight to cerm funeral I've been to was like a normal funeral without the first service.

The English funeral I've been to they only had one piece of music played at the cerm. Nobody said a word, no prayers, nothing. Was that just personal choice or the English norm?

Thank you for this. I've realised that some conversations need to be had in my family about what sort of funerals we would all want.

Oohnarna, thank you so much for doing this. I have a question which I haven't seen asked yet, and I do apologise but it is potentially upsetting and graphic.

My xh took his own life a couple of months ago by walking in front of a train. As you can imagine, there was no viewing of the body (and thank god I didn't have to identify him as he was known to the police). We had a cremation service and one of my children has become rather fixated on the size of the coffin. He was a big man in life, 46" chest and also very overweight. She is convinced that the coffin looked too small, specifically that it wasn't broad enough at the shoulders. We don't know exactly how he looked in death but we do know that there was substantial trauma to his body.

Can you explain a little how you deal with people who have died due to trauma? I think my daughter is concerned that they just squished him in (I'm sure they didn't but it may help if I can reassure her). And I'm really sorry if my question has upset anyone.

What should you look for when choosing a funeral director?

In the case of sudden death I imagine it'd just be a lucky dip. Is there a way to be more prepared?

Could you choose one randomly, and then shop around, as it were? Or is there not much difference in basic prices?
Do funeral directors publish their prices online?

I saw my grandmother's body, she was 101 and I went to the chapel to see her. She looked much more comfortable than I thought and looked like she was asleep but still looked like my grandmother too. It wasn't a pleasant experience and I remember thinking at the time that it would look awful if I just went in and out but I could only stay a few moments as it was a strange thing for me. I'm glad I did it though.
Seeing her was easier than doing the reading at the crematorium.