As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

My beloved Mum died in 2007, we were with her when she passed. A few days later at the chapel of rest her head/neck was on a wooden stand at a really unnatural angle and I know her neck had been broken. It broke my already broken heart. I still have flashbacks and I don't think I will ever get over it, perhaps it's the reason I still wear black clothes. It haunts me. I think I want to ask you how that could have happened? Did they drop her? When my Dad passed 2 years ago his head was laid on a pillow and his neck wasn't broken, but it was a new funeral director in the same place. I asked the new FD and she said she would never show a deceased person with their head on a block. Since then my MIL has died and her head was on a pillow, and 14 years ago my FIL was also laid on a pillow.

My mum, who was a nurse, has requested her body goes to science.

She says the teaching hospital will pick her up after death. The students could work on her for up to 2 years. They will call her by her first name and know a little about her life.

Every year there is a memorial church service for the cadavers that the deceased person's families are invited to and the students must attend.

After the teaching hospital has finished with the body they will 1) return it to the family or 2) Cremate it at their expense and return the ashes to the family.

This is another option. It helps the next generation of doctors and is free.

I've wondered about a funeral plan, but am holding back on it as don't know where I'll be living when it will be needed, one daughter lives fairly near, but the others live a way away, and if I need care as I get older [am in my 60s] it might be easier for my family if I move nearer [or they might move nearer before then, who knows. If it happens here, I know I'd go for the local independent FDs, [who might at that stage have been taken over by the coop lol! ] how do you do plans in a situation like that? I hope it will be a while as my parents lived until their late 80s but how do I find out now about funeral plans? I've to say used the local FDs who had been taken over by the co-op and they were great

oohnarna
Thank you for your thread. I was wondering, when a deceased person is being transported during their funeral in the hearse, do family members sometimes request certain music is played (if possible) in the hearse on this journey?

Just to add she was perfectly fine no smell or anything, something that was lovely one of the ladies arranging her funeral asked if I would like a lock of her hair, this would never of occurred to me but I decided I would, they gave it to me in a little pouch. Some might find it creepy but I still sometimes look at it, it brings me comfort.

@guntyMcgee when my mum died in 2014, I asked for her not to be embalmed I know it sounds silly but she had frontotemporal dementia and I felt she wouldn’t have wanted to be left alone now she was st peace. The FD were fine about this but she had to be kept at the mortuary were it was cooler and brought to chapel a few days before her funeral. Her funeral was 9 days after she died.

This is so interesting and informative. Thank you so much! A very quick question from me if that’s ok. I visited my mum in the chapel of rest and found it reassuring. One thing that stayed with me though was she had what I assume was blue nail polish on. I found this bizarre as she never wore polish at all . I know this would have been to disguise any changes that had happened but why was blue chosen? Is it that it masks decomposition more or would it have just been by chance? Why not a red or dark pink colour?

A family member had a direct funeral - by which I mean , if I have it correctly - he was collected from the hospital - and Funeral Director organised his cremation with no ceremony - no attendees other than FD people. I do not think it will ever replace a "proper funeral" but it was what the immediate family wanted. They then collected the ashes - scattered them in a meaningful place and had a nice lunch and talked about him afterwards. It was not done because of cost ( although it was cheaper) but he had become reclusive and a sparsely attended funeral I think they would have felt would be a little depressing.

I have given my DH instructions ( and this will out me no end) for my funeral. I want just baby's tears ( the plant ) on my coffin. No bright plants. When asked - he said proudly - Oh I know what Basilisk wants - she wants lamb's lettuce on her coffin ( he's not good on plants) & I cannot help smiling that if I go to my end covered in salad my husband will be very well meaningly , but wrongly , & to the quizzical looks of others , be saying "it's what she wanted".

OP I hope you don't mind me asking one and I hope my question doesn't upset anyone.

Several years ago we lost a relative in quite a violent accident. His injuries were quite horrible but we were able to view him in the chapel of rest at the FD. They'd arranged his coffin in a really peculiar way, diagonally across the doorway and as there were a few of us that went in together I ended up squished around his head end a bit and soon realised why the odd angle because one side of his head and face was a little misshapen, which in one respect was shocking but realistic in relation to how he had died.

For a long time I couldn't look at a photo of him because I'd be reminded of how he looked in the coffin.

Having recently re-watched 6 feet under and seeing how they portrayed how much work goes into preparing someone for viewing, it made me wonder exactly how much, if any, reconstruction or preparation is done before viewings?

If someone does have facial or head injuries/misshapen features are these filled somehow to try to create a more normal appearance?

Do you use makeup to improve colour of skin tone or to make someone look like they would usually do in life?

Also, are people embalmed for just a standard viewing before funeral, if the funeral is a couple of weeks after death? Or are they just kept cool and brought out only for viewings then placed in the cooler again?
I suppose I'm asking what circumstances would someone be embalmed usually?

My gran has been the only and fairly recent one I’ve seen. She looked pretty good to be fair, she looked worse on her last few hours if you ask me :/ I said I wouldn’t visit but my cousin encouraged me last minute.

I fixed her hair (I used to cut it) and chatted.

My cousin was there and his phone made a sound of knocking on wood, as a text message. I didn’t realise it was his phone and had such a fucking fright 😂 she would have loved that too.

To read this thread has made me feel much better about how she would have been treated.

I still wanna know if I can go with my pole though 😂

Turnitupdrhill thank you, I thought it was OK, it must just be cremation where it isn't allowed, maybe, so I can be buried in a shroud but not cremated in one.

@sj257

I am so sorry for your loss. Obviously I can't know but it is extremities (fingers before hands before arms etc) that are affected and sometimes blotchy rash on the skin but not skin breakdown or anything horrible like that generally speaking - please don't imagine anything horrific about her back. You are right, 79 for many people is not "old" and you do not have to be old or frail to be affected or die from sepsis.

Just wanted to pass on sympathies to all who are still healing after their losses.
Close friends are funeral directors. They regard it as the last thing that anyone will ever do for you, so they take pride in doing it kindly and well.

@Ilikesweetpeas or local natural burial ground states "Embalming is only allowed under exceptional circumstances such as repatriation"
(It's such an invasive process, and possibly the least eco friendly thing you can possibly do)

Thank you @oohnarna this thread is so eye opening. I’m lucky enough to have never had to grieve for someone yet but my dh did for his late father and we spoke at length about him seeing/not seeing his ddad after the (expected) death. He didn’t but he’s never sure if he did the right thing. I don’t believe there is a right or wrong thing to do. This was dh first experience of death as well so we both were clueless.

I do wish we’d talk about death and the process thereafter more.

shutyourcakehole nail mine shut also
I want my loved ones to remember me as I was alive and moving

There was a rather embarrassing and unusual cock-up over my late husband's death certificate. He died at the age of 78 from heart disease and related problems 7 years ago. Having spent several months in hospital, I managed to get him into a local nursing home for what I knew would be his last days. He was transferred to the n/home on the Tuesday, and died the following (Wednesday) night at 11.30 pm. Because the n/home's GP hadn't seen him after his admittance, the home contacted our GP surgery for a GP to certify his death, and due to the late hour, a locum was sent out.
I went to the home the following morning to say a last good-bye, and collect the death cert. Then went to register the death with the Registrar - there are quite a few questions and forms to fill out. The funeral was arranged to take place about 14 days later.
A few days later, I had a call from the Registrar to say that something rather irregular had happened, and the death cert. was invalid, and that I would get a call from the Coroner in due course. He phoned me later that day, and told me that as the locum who had signed the cert. had never had contact with my husband, she wasn't qualified to certify him, and therefore, a PM would be necessary to establish the correct cause of death - he was VERY nice, and extremely apologetic about the whole business. He hoped it wouldn't delay the funeral and would let me know.
Apparently the locum had decided that Ischaemic heart disease was the cause of death, but after the PM, it transpired that he actually died of pulmonary hypertension (he had a pulmonary embolism) and heart failure.
Fortunately, the funeral wasn't delayed and went ahead on the day, but there was yet another bit of a cock-up at the crem service. Husbands daughters had stipulated that the curtains were NOT to be closed at the end, but the wrong button was pushed and the curtains closed! Much flustering by the Humanist minister who was to blame, and eventually the curtains were opened again.
I had to have a wry smile at these hitches, as my husband was a bit bolshy, and could be a PITA sometimes, a little chaotic, and it seemed as though even his final journey wasn't going to go according to plan.
I would be interested to know whether errors on death certificates are a rare event, it would certainly seen so from what I was told.

@Shrimpi

Thank you, she went into hospital on New Year’s Eve and died on the 10th Jan. her hands were very bloated but they kept the rest of her covered and we left when they turned her (she would scream in pain 😞) so I’ve no idea what condition the rest of her body was in. It was all such a shock, she was only 79, old but not in today’s terms I don’t think.... I miss her so very much

@sj257

I'm no expert in this and it's only my speculation but it would make sense as many changes such as discolouration after death are caused by bacteria. Sepsis by definition involves bacterial infection as a principal cause or triggering factor. Sepsis may also lead to simultaneous multi-organ failure (as opposed to sudden catastrophic failure of one organ) and in living persons can cause discolouration or loss of extremities as the body is shutting down.

Whereas, if there is another cause of death, the bacteria (which are normal and healthy in living persons) are located in the bowels and stay more localised until the bowels disintegrate, giving a little more time.

There are pronably other individual factors at play too.

@Cutyourshakehole, my coffin will be nailed down, I would prefer my family to remember me, as I was before.

Shrimpi

Thank you so much for your post. My nan died from sepsis in January, we left at the end of visiting time - 8pm because nobody had warned us her death was imminent, we were phoned at around 8.20 while on the way home and by the time we had got back she had already gone (I have a feeling she went before they phoned us). Her face had changed dramatically in colour in just 40 minutes and her mouth was open with tongue protruding and it looked almost black. I ran into the bay and saw her like this before anyone could warn me that she had passed away. I feel quite traumatised still about this. Was the sepsis the reason for the quick change of colour?

Oohnarna, the FD said there would be extra charge for us to be able to view my nan at the funeral parlour. My grandad didn’t want to view her and so that was that but I was quite distressed for a while because I wanted to visit her while she was at the funeral home. Why would there be an extra charge?

Can I ask people’s opinions. When you die would you like people to visit you afterwards to say goodbye etc or would you rather your family didn’t see you that way? I remember seeing a family member after death and felt so bad because I had a strong feeling they would have been really uncomfortable with the idea.

Thanks for your help on this thread op. Another question- can someone who has been embalmed have a woodland burial?

I saw my Nan recently. She's the first body I've seen so didn't know what to expect. I wanted to go on my own and was so glad I did.
My first impression was that it was something from a horror film, but I stayed. She was 102 and
I'll be honest it wasn't a pretty sight. It was 6 days after she died.
I found if I sat at one particular side of her she looked ok and familiar. I wasn't sure how long I should stay but I sat with her for about 15 minutes and spent the time remembering her. Then I began to talk to her and sat and chatted for a while.
For me it made the funeral less upsetting as I'd already had that peaceful time thinking of her. And I felt I'd said my goodbyes already.
I wouldn't hesitate to visit anyone again if and when the time comes.