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Original poster

As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

388 replies

oohnarna · 01/06/2018 20:08

I am ready for your questions!

I will do my best to answer, I have a few bits I am doing at home but will answer regularly throughout the evening as much as I can.

SmileWineGrin

OP posts:
QOD · 01/06/2018 21:19

DONT READ IF LIKELY TO BE UPSET BY IDENTIFYING A BODY POST POST MORTEM

I had to identify my father in law after his post mortem. The whoever it was at the hospital spoke to us so beautifully and kindly and respectfully and then just me into the next room. FIL was on a trolley with a blanket to his collarbone yet post mortem black stitching visible up his breastbone and round his throat. Was very very shocking.
I’ve never told dh or the other in laws

That’s not normal to show someone like that is it? I wish I’d complained quietly at the time but I didn’t want dh and fam to be more distressed (broke his neck in a care home, court case followed)

Original poster
oohnarna · 01/06/2018 21:19

We do talk to them! We treat them as the people that they are. We really take care of them and look after them when they are with us. We like to treat them how we would want one of our own loved ones treated.

OP posts:
LilMadAgain · 01/06/2018 21:19

@oohnarna, the FD changed every time I had to speak to them about the funeral arrangements, they didn't open some days and on the days they did open it wasn't until midday or later. My relatives decaying body was found on a Thursday, I knew from that day he was in a state (the coroner sent me a letter detailing explicitly about bloating and skin slippage) but I was told he was sealed in the coffin with silicon, should it have been so bad? It was 12 days between relative being found and viewing the coffin.

Pebblespony · 01/06/2018 21:19

When my aunt died, as the coffin was being closed, her family asked for her rings so they could be passed on when her daughters married etc. They couldn't slide them off her fingers so the family were told to wait outside & that they'd be taken off before the coffin was closed. Few mins later the coffin was closed & the rings were off. How did they get the rings off? I've always wondered in a morbidly fascinated way.

Original poster
oohnarna · 01/06/2018 21:18

Lilmad I think what happened was because your relative had been at home for a long period, natural detention would have happened and of course by the time of your relative getting to FD naturally nature taking its course would have progressed further. There is not much an FD could have done. However I would have recommended the coffin being, you can still have a nice experience in the chapel saying your good byes - maybe with some photos and favourite music playing.
So sorry for your loss and for not having a nice experience in the chapel xxxx

OP posts:
clairethewitch70 · 01/06/2018 21:15

Thank you.

If my family move from here in the future, would they have to move me or would I stay in the woods? (the woods are an extension of my garden)

BobbinBora · 01/06/2018 21:15

Oh this is a very interesting. I learnt a lot during Dying Matters week a few weeks ago. Lots of info on the Dying Matters website too if anyone wants to have a look.

therockinggazelle · 01/06/2018 21:15

What's the difference between American and UK embalming? Can a body be viewed by family if not embalmed? After how long would a body not be viewable?

myrtleWilson · 01/06/2018 21:13

hello again - I know you're swamped with questions! The other thread (ilovekermit) spoke about "talking" to their deceased. Is this something that you do routinely and does it come naturally?

Original poster
oohnarna · 01/06/2018 21:13

Direct to crem usually means no hearse, no service, just taken respectfully to the crem and cremated.

OP posts:
Original poster
oohnarna · 01/06/2018 21:12

Some FDs embalm all bodies. Most don't. It's nicer to offer choice to families. Plus sometimes it just isn't possible. Embalming in UK is not like American embalmings by the way.

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 01/06/2018 21:12

What is direct crem? I know I definitely want cremated but haven’t heard of this before

Original poster
oohnarna · 01/06/2018 21:11

Clare the witch - yes you can. You have to get authorisation. I have done burials in peoples back gardens before.

OP posts:
Original poster
oohnarna · 01/06/2018 21:09

lilmad - so sorry you went through that.

Embalming may not have been possible if nature had started to take its course.

I hope the FD briefed you appropriately on nature taking its course?

How long after the passing was the visit in the chapel of rest?

OP posts:
clairethewitch70 · 01/06/2018 21:09

I own a private woodland, can I be buried legally here?

SickofPeterRabbit · 01/06/2018 21:08

Oooh so not all bodies are embalmed then OP?

Original poster
oohnarna · 01/06/2018 21:07

I am trying to keep up ! Sorry if I am missing things. I will look back and answer everything when I can!

Hardest removal? At the top floor of a high rise with no lift!

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 01/06/2018 21:07

I would want a direct to crem as I don't really like seeing the coffin at funerals - I appreciate that's my issue - and because I don't find God in crems.

Family can have a memorial separately if they want to, as is convenient and desirable to the living. I would have thought you could more easily avoid delay if you aren't trying to coordinate crem slot with celebrant's/family's availability etc.

Dignity in death is so important. Our recent family bereavements have definitely been eased by the professionalism of the FDs involved. Thank you.

LilMadAgain · 01/06/2018 21:06

Sod it, I'll post here.
TRIGGER Warning - GRAPHIC DETAIL Ahead!!!

My relative died at home of natural causes but due to ill mental health issues was not found for approx 3-4 days, his autopsy was done within 3 days but he was not embalmed. I was told by the FD that he couldn't be embalmed as it was too late. When I was finally allowed to be with him in his coffin in the chapel of rest the room stank of decomposition, they had opened a window and sprayed a huge amount of air freshener but the smell was very very obviously there. I thought that all funeral parlors had cold cabinets to prevent/minimize the effects of decomposition? It was awful and I left the room heaving. Can you offer any Insight into what the hell happened at that place?

karyatide · 01/06/2018 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
oohnarna · 01/06/2018 21:03

It depends where someone died to what happens.

If at home or a nursing home/hospice once the relevant paperwork has been done a call is made to the FD who will come and collect the person and bring them back to FD mortuary. Providing no coroner involvement.

If in hospital they will go to a hospital mortuary normally and the FD will collect upon clearance (not usually the same day)

If the Coroner is involved (perhaps death outside or suspicious for example) a local FD will have the coroners contract and the police will call them, they will attend and bring the person to the hospital mortuary. Where a Post Mortem May be needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
oohnarna · 01/06/2018 21:02

Sorry I did say direct to crem is absolutely fine for some families. But don't like the thought of people only opting for it because it is cheaper when really they would prefer something more. I'd rather the other 'bespoke' funerals were a a bit cheaper!

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 01/06/2018 21:02

what is the cheapest way to dispose of my.body when I die?

sorry to be blunt but I don't think funerals or celebrants or cars and expensive coffins are needed and don't want it as I'll be a pile.of.meat.

karyatide · 01/06/2018 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotARegularPenguin · 01/06/2018 21:01

What’s the hardest place you’ve ever had to remove a body from?

When my dad died he was upstairs at home in a tiny terraced cottage with the steepest staircase going and a 90degree angle bend top and bottom. We didn’t ring anyone until the following day so I’m fairly sure rigour Mortis had set in. The funeral people told us to stay in the kitchen and not come out, they were a long time getting him out and it was rather noisy.....I think they slid him down the stairs in the end in the bag! 🙈