As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

My mother died in a home. I didn’t see her before or just after she died as my sister kept us in the dark as to the immediacy of her death. I saw her, with my brother, on the morning of the funeral, about 3.5 weeks later. I had seen my father and mother in law in their undertakers and they looked like them. My mother looked awful. I still dream about it. She looked like a tortured soul. She reminded me of the Alien. My brother was very upset and I was shocked but I talked to her and kissed her forehead to say goodbye. The undertaker did not warn us of how awful she looked.Would you have warned us? I’m concerned for my brother.

He didn’t want to leave her alone.

So if say three siblings disagree over what to do after death. It’s basically first one to get hands on death certificate and register the death that gets to make all the decisions?

oohnarna I noticed you used the term ‘passing’ do you normally refer to death that way? Do you ask relatives what term they prefer?

I think I would be unreasonably irritated if I heard someone talk about my loved one with euphemisms like that (maybe just me though)

I have 2 questions:

My mum was embalmed and my brother was traumatised because he watched it being done. He won’t say anything though and it’s been over 18 years now.

Can you please explain how it’s done and what kind of chemicals are used and what they do to the body. Does the process cause involuntary movements? I’ve heard the body doesn’t decompose rapidly even when buried after being embalmed.

Also another question: you can get all sorts of expensive coffins these days, do They all have a different level of how well they are sealed? Are they tightly sealed to prevent decomposition and keep the body safe from insects etc?

What happens if it is at a weekend or in an evening ? You cannot be sure that a Doctor who has cared for them is available to certify ? Unfortunately we are not able to certify a death as nurses where I work.

Favourite music, not face music

Thanks mytle. 👍

WARNING - GRAPHIC CONTENT!!

When my MIL died, she wasn’t found for a couple of months (she was a recluse and didn’t keep in touch with anyone). We were told she was not viewable due to the state of decomposition. When we cleared out her flat, there was a large stain on the bedroom carpet where she would have been found and I will also never forget the smell. It seemed to live on my skin and the back of my throat for weeks afterwards.

I suppose my question is, what happens in such circumstances with regards to removal of the remains? Do you have to follow any special procedures?

Karyatide, you asked about family members being the celebrant rather than professionals: we've done that now for the last three family funerals and much preferred it to a vicar or speaker we didn't know. The secret is finding a family member to MC the whole thing (sorry for the flippant tone) without breaking down crying. In our case it was an uncle who knew the deceased well but wasn't a blood relative, so he had a bit of distance. Having said that, my aunt did the eulogy for her mum's funeral and it worked well. Then a number of family members stood up to essentially tell family stories about the deceased, interspersed with their face music. It's an immensely personal way to do a funeral because it means so much to everyone involved. If you think you can do the talking without breaking down, then you won't regret it. I know I couldn't for my mum's funeral as I was too upset, but at my gran's I was fine with doing a speech.

Sorry for your loss, and I hope it works well whatever you decide to do.

Would you recommend going to see a loved one at the mortuary? my dm always says she regrets seeing loved ones after as they should be remembered ‘alive’ I’m never sure what to think as haven’t been in this situation before.

Is it true that after death, all the orifices of the body are stoppered? And if so, how And why?

Sorry, I’m using “funeral” (probably incorrectly) to refer to the whole period of funeral service/lying in repose beforehand.

When my mother died I was barred from any involvement in her funeral, by the funeral director, although she had asked me to arrange it. The funeral director point blank refused to meet me or even speak to me on the phone, because he said my brother (abroad at the time) was his client, not me. However he met my other brother, and still refused to speak to me. It was devastating to me, and still causes me palpitations years later. What was going on?

Something I read up thread remind me of something. When my Nan died we went to view the body in funeral home and it smelt strongly of what I thought was bad damp. But after seeing another poster I twigged this was probable decomposition

I remember being confused at the time as this was very respected FD and well thought of and I just though was obviously just run down. Is it normal for there to be a strong smell? Are they not kept in cold storage at FH? Or after a week is there always going to be some smell?

Buried all GP so next funerals would be parents and like to be more clued up.

Fascinating stuff thanks for this thread