As promised Funeral Director here (waves)

I know this is an older thread. I lost my Dad recently, he was elderly and in hospital and they rang me early that morning to say he had gone. I went up to the hospital and he was still in his bed. The staff had tucked him in and the lights were low etc. He was the first person I have ever seen, dead. And he, my lovely Dad, just wasn’t there. It was the oddest thing, it was like I was sitting with some luggage he had left, not him. I straightened his hair and then opened the window and said “if you’re in here, you can go through that window there.” I have no idea why I did it and I firmly felt he was around but not in that body any more.

I’m not particularly spiritual but I really believe we are souls that happen to live in particular bodies for a while and then we leave them. I miss my Dad but I’m also at peace with wherever he is.

@oohnarna this thread is amazing. I've come across it as I'm looking to persue a career as a funeral arranger. I appreciate this an old thread, but would you mind letting me know if it might be a mistake to expect a funeral home to take me on part time as I have two small children? (I'm looking to get back into work after taking 18 months off) Is it a vocation that would be better suited when the kids are older or could it all be manageable??

I'd appreciate your thoughts on this.

Many thanks 😊😊

A relative passed away I think the first sign the soul had 'gone' was when they were asking why hasn't deceased husband visited. Bearing in mind I'm over 40 & he passed when I was little.

The last time I saw said close relative it was really awful, if my Father wasn't there I would have given the nursing staff a stern talking to, as I'm by no means medically qualified but know about the Liverpool Care Plan from a previous bereavement.

It really was like her soul had left her body, or sat most of it, what was left was very frightened, very confused, very scared. But I think when the person made the decision to go down a certain path, they didn't know what it would entail. It wasn't very nice to see at all. I'm actually crying thinking about it and it's been a while.

Really enlightening thread, thank you.

Re the opening windows, I'm a student nurse and I have seen this done at every death I've been around so far. Also as regards to washing after death, when it occurs at the hospital, it was always done gently and personally, with the staff talking to them throughout. I actually really enjoyed the privilege and found it to be a peaceful and caring thing to do.

MIL and FIL are well prepared for the funerals, my parents are not and I expect I will end up paying as they have no money or assets. Interesting to know that I could set up a plan on their behalf, I may talk to my siblings about this.

Hi oohnarna What things have you seen that shouldn't be there?

Here's a thought...

www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/business-41038442/the-new-zealanders-designing-their-own-coffins

Do you think it will catch on here 'Coffin Clubs'? Design and make your own personalised coffin and keep it in the garage!

Fascinating thread. Thanks OP.

I've not yet read all the thread and I'm hoping this one also can be put somewhere where it won't disappear.

My question is this:
My family is tall. My Dad apparently had the longest willow coffin available but, it was still 'cramped' for him so, I was wondering, I have family members that are 7ft tall - even taller than my Dad so, what would the choices be for them, when the time comes?
Thank you.

@weaverspin as an Anglican vicar we charge less than £100 for a crematorium funeral! It is more if the service is in the church first as that includes hire of building and organist and verger fees etc.

Depends on the nurse! I’ve not practised for 16 years now but I certainly came across the superstition. Don’t know if any still have it.

Hi, I'd like to ask something....
When my dad passed away it was late at night, and the Marie curie nurse said we must ring a fd asap. He died at home.
Anyway we hadn't a clue who to ring so picked one from the phone book, and they were lovely. It must've been around midnight, 1 am, and they turned up after about 39 minutes, looking fresh as Daisy's and in very smart mourning suits. So how come? They say ring them anytime, 24hours a day, but they're a small family firm, how can they look so awake and with it, I always thought I'd dragged him out of bed!

Also, when preparing dad, they told us to close the door and wait for them to say we could come out, why?
He looked awful when he died, but when we visited him in the chapel of rest he was smiling, and the fd said he couldn't do anything about the smile, which really comforted me.
You do an amazing job, thank you.

@Idontmeanto it used to be a thing where nursing staff opened a window near to someone coming to the end so that their soul could get away easily

When my late father and exFIL died quite recently I noticed open windows again ... is this still done for the same reason, do you know?

I’ve nursed a lot of older people who are taking a long time to die. They are often confused and rambling, and there are lots of good clinical explanations for it, but if you listen to them they are often talking to friends and family who have passed. They do seem to be somewhere “real.”
Then there’s the complete stillness and coolness when they go. Something feels gone to me.

@Idontmeanto, please can you elaborate?

Former nurse here rather than funeral director, but very much aware of something, (soul), departed.

Do you ever have the feeling of the soul having left a body or still being around in the case of traumatic death?

Cock ups happen on death certificates, the 'mistake' on my dad's was deliberate though. Instead of telling the registrar I am his stepdaughter I simply said daughter, and that's what they wrote. I'm not treading on anyones toes because I'm the only offspring he had. I know he'd smile at the quiet rebellion.

I am a little confused on how bodies are stored in the cold rooms. I have this image of each body being stored in indivdiual refrigerators, then pulled out and placed in the coffin for viewings in the Chapel or Rest until the dead person’s final journey to crematorium or burial plot.

However, @oohnarna, I think earlier in this thread you said once dressed and embalmed they are permanently placed in their coffin which is stored in a cold room, so the body isn’t in a sealed refrigerator? Thank you.

This has been an interesting thread, and I'm glad it's come up - as well as the one by the Crematorium Technician - it just shows how much people need and want to be able to talk about this stuff openly and honestly.

I just wanted to pick up on the comment about celebrants up-thread. I don't think it is accurate to say there is 'sh*t-loads' of money to be made as a celebrant. Of the celebrants I know (and I am one myself) charges are on average in the same region as the CofE - around £200. For that, I will expect to work with a family and FD over a period of a couple of weeks.

I start with an in-depth meeting with the family, getting a sense of their wishes and hearing all about the person who has died. I speak with others who may have input. Based on that, I prepare - from scratch - an individual and unique funeral service. It will take around 10 hours in total. As an independent celebrant, I will work with whatever spiritual or religious framework the family want - or keep it firmly non-religious, if that is their preference. I lead the ceremony on the day, and assist any other speakers (I'm there for back-up if they are overcome). I later send a keepsake copy of the full service.

I don't see myself ever wanting to take more than 3 services in a week - as I wish to make sure I am able to fully serve each family, and keep on top of all the associated behind the scenes work of liaising with FDs, arrangers, venue, music providers and other friends & family.

Hope that helps to clarify.

I've found this thread really interesting. I lost my Dad last month and am finding it really hard to come to terms with. Have drawn some comfort from the posts on here so thank you.

Thanks so much OP and other contributors. Like so many others, I found all things 'death', terrifying. This and the cremation thread have really helped make it easier to think about.
So sorry, on reading your post, @laziestsusan. Upsetting isn't the word...

If my Mam had mouth sutures then they were expertly done. When I went to see her in the chapel of rest, she looked like I remembered her, not at all like when I found her.
There was a chemically/disinfectant type smell though, would that be embalming fluid? I don't remember discussing that with the FD.

This thread is weirdly comforting. Death is such a taboo in the U.K.
I am slightly freaked out about the mouth sutures though.

for all those still grieving. Thank you for the thread op