MIL and her picnic hamster

MIL asked if we'd got our new sofa from MI5.

doesn't know if she's Arthur or Martha

To be fair, I recently had cause to look this up for someone who had never heard of the phrase at all, and was surprised to find that all the references were of the ‘doesn’t know if he’s coming or going ‘ sense rather than being about sexuality.

Youngest dd, who is nearly 14, saw a hippo at the safari park but couldn’t remember what it was called. Eventually she exclaimed, “I know, it’s a hottapotamus!”

I'm laughing my head off reading all these comments hilarious 😂😂
My lovely mum quite often gets her words wrong, she once told me a friend of mine from school who was on a gap year was hunch backing around Australia 😂😂 she's never lived that one down bless her

Dear friend (English not first language) told her hubby not to beat himself around the bush 😂
Step brother told dm he liked her clitoris (clematis)
First time I met step father he was trying to make a good impression (I was a stroppy teen). He was regaling about his fish tank then told me he had crabs!!! I pissed myself laughing & he was highly embarrassed 😂😂😂😂😂😂.
Dd on holiday, listening to rep telling us about trips. The was a boat trip on a catamaran. She said I didn't know we were near Spain! (We weren't!!)
Dm when she gets confused says she doesn't know if she's Arthur or Martha.... I've had to explain that one as she was telling hospital staff this 😂

My mum has come out with some good ones

Oh they had some lovely alpaca singing at the concert
He went wild water canoeing and shot the rabbits
She's nice but she goes on a bit. She's always going off on a tandem

my uncle bill was telling me about another cousin's house and that he was well impressed with the big 'suzuki' bath! Took me a few minutes to figure out he meant jacuzzi...

I've got another one! I told someone that I took a screenshit of their joke once...

I also texted someone about their locker... and only noticed after I'd sent the message that I'd written "licker"!

Not my MIL, my auntie, who said she needed some Semtex for her blocked nose

My friend's DM used to dread long car journeys and would say to her DH... "but John, it's such a wank down to Devon!"

Certificates are always 'stestifficates' in our house as my DC1 could never pronounce it. We all call them that!

My 6 year old daughter was bragging to her brother that she had had a Nutella "crap" that morning and he didn't....obviously she had a "crepe" 😂

Haha! Recently MIL said "we went to Tatton Park today and saw some amazing displays of gonnorhea!" Turns out she meant gunnera, which are giant rhubarb

My gran on different occasions was going to trim back her clitorises and dead head the penises
No wonder grandad didn't share her liking for gardening

Ex colleague - obeast instead of obese, going off on a tandem instead of tangent, best of all was groups of people unfriendly to others outside the group were clitty instead of clique-y!!

MIL once got shocked and declared "I nearly had a tarka hat" ......we were thinking otters etc!

Ex’s DGM: on seeing TV footage of starving PoWs - Look, they’re completely emancipated!
On hearing that I was going to Norway on holiday - Is she cycling round the Fords?
Ex did well in his 1st year uni exams, was given a scholarship and thus became an Exhibitioner for a year. He thought about his DGM and her tendency to tell everyone in the small town (he also lived in) about her clever DGS...and told her he was a Scholar.

(And yes, some deliberate ones are still funny. Dried dandruff-like coconut fully deserves my retitling as desecrated coconut.)

My mum gets place names muddled up, we have a nice pub nearby called the Snowy Owl, we were deciding where to go for Sunday lunch one weekend when mum said ‘the White Pussy is always nice’. It’s bern known as White Pussy ever since!

Overheard on a bus going past the hospital,
"Our Danny's in there, he's very poorly, they've got him in insensitive care."
I've always hoped he made a good recovery!

My gran apparently had a dildo rail around the living room!

Not MIL, but someone I know asked the waiter at a restaurant for "battered pillock and chips please". He looked abhorred, wrote it down, and then the penny dropped. He didn't change it on his sheet as far as I know, so there would have been some hysterical chefs!

Late dgf called olbas oil ob-las oil.

I once worked In a sexual health clinic, my Granny took great pride in telling everyone "Our gin's a sex worker".
In a slow cooker group on FB someone had once posted before checking the autocorrect and asked "can I cook a joint of gammon in a can of diet cum?".

Mine served us our Christmas dinner starter from her new soup latrine. She was so proud of it.

When I was visiting mum she asked me to get a box from the cupboard under the stairs...she lived in a bungalow.
My dc still tease me about the time we were on a moorland road and a sheep ran along the middle of the road. I said,”Don’t worry sheep, I’m not planning to make you into bacon!”

My nan had an appointment at the doctors

When she was asked if she was on any medication she said yes, im on HIV tablets.

She meant HRT.

The nurse was torn between laughing and keeping a straight face