MIL and her picnic hamster

Once told my niece (5) to go and get her 'woolly blanket' at it was cold.
She came back with it and told me I had to stop calling it a 'willy blanket' as there isn't any willies on it.

I know someone who asked a shop assistant for a pusher.
She wanted some help with her daughter's wheelchair, not a drug dealer. She didn't understand why the shop assistant looked worried and beetled off.
I can remember her explaining it to me and some friends and we had to carefully explain.
A different friend got very irate in a DIY store when they couldn't show her where the Mongolian paint was.
I don't have any good MIL stories alas, she passed away before I even met DH. My mum does have the occasional rant about pussies though. The annoying hairy things, pooping in the garden.

When I was about eight my parents and I met for the first time my sister’s bf’s mother - a lady of strict Methodist views - and we all had to watch our language. The problem there was likely to be my father - but it was my mother who sent me out to buy a bag of her favourite sweets. And she asked for sharley buggers and when I got back the atmosphere had gone down, down, down.

“If you go now you’ll have time for some foreplay.”

😳

Meaning practise a bit before a game of tennis 😂.

My mother told my aunt that it was nice where I'd moved to. There were doggers everywhere. You only had to look out of the window and chances are you'd spot some doggers in the field.

Dog walkers are not doggers......

I work with a lady whose DIl is from Poland. Their kids speak fluent Polish & English. She has quite a loud voice and chatting about the grandchildren one day at work she proudly informed most of the canteen that "It's great that both of my grandchildren are growing up bisexual"

My mum worked with a lovely guy that wanted a dresser, the Ives with the with cortina doors. When he was in hospital he was put on a serloin drip.

My husband did some training work in Mozambique several years ago when they transitioning from floppy disks to CDs. He had to tell them that perhaps they shouldn’t be calling the latter ‘stiffies’.

I can remember my gran sending me out one christmas to buy her some of that 'lovely, red pornographic' wrapping paper her sister had bought.

I bought her holographic paper.

My brother's MIL:

"I used to love going to Scotland, but not any more: too cold in the winter and too many midgets in the summer."

She's also made the Lebanese/lesbians mistake. My db introduced her to a couple of Lebanese friends at dnephew's birthday party. Later she murmured quietly to me
"I thought they weren't interested in that sort of thing."
"What sort of thing?"
"You know, men and women, together, you know."

She's gorgeous, totally a good sport and laughs her head off when you explain her mistake. She'll also apologise to anyone for unintentionally offending them. But, blow me! She never remembers, and keeps making the same mistakes.

A family friend announced at a post funeral gathering "the vicar has a good grope on a Sunday afternoon" the conversation suddenly stopped, teacups en route to lips quivered in mid air, time stood still.

She then continued "we read a book during the week and then meet up to discuss it, it's fun" looking around as if the gathering had all simultaneously developed 3 heads... until someone pointed out quietly that maybe she meant "the vicar has a good group on a Sunday afternoon" to which she said, "yes, that's what I said"

And time restarted. Classic memory.

My MIL, when describing someone with lots of vigour, says they're 'full of spunk!!' She says it with so much enthusiasm I normally choke on my tea.

Someones BIL was angry because he also didn't know to ask for anti inflammatories?

No, because MIL told him to ask for anti FLAMMABLES & he said he felt stupid when the chemist corrected him. (He is a bit of a tool though).

MIL definitely not joking. She genuinely calls them this. She has peripherals instead of profiteroles as well.

My very elderly neighbour. Her grandson was in the army and was fighting in "Afgaviscon"

Afghanistan to you and I...

Also, not a MIL but my friend once called Directory Enquiries for the RAC's number as her car had died.

There was a stunned silence when she asked for the IRA helpline...

I have been giggling at this thread in a way that a woman of my age shouldn't...

DH has just reminded me about when we sat in my parent's garden enjoying a BBQ. They have a lovely garden and I commented on how lovely the roses were. My mother sighed and said 'Yes, but that bush is covered in greenfly. Bloody greenfly love eating my bush' and then couldn't understand why we giggled like schoolchildren.

I'm back and Sally, your MIL's "Does the Pope shit in the woods" is bloody glorious and one I've adopted from this moment on

At the time, there were a lot of elderly people - including late MIL - who couldn't get their tongues round 'millennium' and turned it into a variation of a popular floor-covering of their childhoods - 'minoleum' Also 'cotton-easter' for 'cotoneaster'.

My dm calls my walk in wardrobe a glory hole. After much hysterics we looked it up n the dictionary as she insisted her terminology was correct. She was and the dictionary definition is something like ‘an untidy room used for storage’ or something. It still makes me laugh though.

diddl
Shit! You're quite right'
How could I forget what DMIL would have called 'The Arrivals'?

"My much loved late MIL could have been Dickens' inspiration for Mrs Malaprop."

Richard Brinsley Sheridan?

My MiL is the gift that keeps giving. There is a well known sarcastic answer to a question that many people tend to use when the answer to the original question is obviously yes. Her version was...

"Is the Pope Jewish?"

To which we all looked around bemused before confirming that no, he definitely is not.

Some time later, she intended to use the same phrase again but stopped herself, saying she knew she would get it wrong, then thought through the phrase aloud.

"I know he's not Jewish. It's something to do with woods and trees"

So now every obvious question in PiLs' house is met with "does the Pope shot in the woods?"

We're possibly all going to hell...

Quite fancy some dolphin nose potatoes now

I once asked a colleague if she had a 'George Formby' grill .

My much loved late MIL could have been Dickens' inspiration for Mrs Malaprop.
She was adamant that she had seen a herring in her garden
We asked he to describe it.
'Well' says she. 'It was a bloody big thing.Great big beak and long legs.Lovely shade of blue,Just like boy maras'jumper'.
Yep 'twas a Herron.God Bless her.We miss her very much.