MIL and her picnic hamster

I asked in the chemist last week for a thrush suppository.
I had to convince the woman that I did actually know which hole I needed to pop it in.

It's a pessary, suppositories go up the bum.

My late mum was full of them.

To DD before a school trip to Paris "don't forget your artillery!" DD swiftly replied "I'm going to Paris nan not the front line "

To my dad one stormy night "oooh it's a crucial wind". To this day still have no idea what that one was supposed to be.

My favourite was the evening she called me after a visit to the new clinic and told me they had new signs up and everything and she'd "seen the lobotomist". I tried to explain it was the phlebotomyist but it may have been lost in the laughter.

My DM refers to her cluttered cupboard as "the glory hole". I haven't the heart to tell her.

On the language slips: I told my DP to have a look at these amazing testicles on the rocks in the winter time. I meant icicles...

My friend once called a shetland pony a compressed horse (english not first language) which I couldn't stop laughing at. I will always call them compressed horses now.

Managed to read just the first page and nominated to Classics. Howling with laughter

My dad loves garden ornaments (but doesn’t actually put them in the garden, he has them in the conservatory to keep them good, and has even made shelves for them)
Anyway we called over one Sunday and he says loudly ‘did you see my cock?’ I was thinking oh no, as he is very old but he show me this giant cockerel statue that he has proudly made a shelf for. He then keeps going on about the bargain it was, and how he had been eyeing up this particular cock and managed to get it in the sale when my mother comes in from mass and says loudly ‘did you see you fathers cock!!’ Isn’t it lovely??

Oh my god I was absolutely mortified and didn’t know where to look and kept saying ‘it’s called a cockadoodledoo’ but I know they are showing to everyone that calls in to the house and I can’t say anything to them.

My mum once told me that DS was 'getting too big for his strap-on'. SIL and I were in fits of giggles for the rest of dinner (Mum meant his reins btw.)

Now that's funny

My DDs favourite film is" Carrots of the Pirabbean!"

This one doesn't quite measure up but we've been talking about the Chelsea Shower Flow all week...

I'm sure it's not original

@Biber, I wish mine had been!

Once had some lovely French guests that we have been asked to house for a weekend for a friend whilst they stayed locally.

Asking them one evening if they wanted a night cap they said ‘ no thank you. What is it you English say? We need to go to bed now. And up with the cock’. Asked the next day what the wife wanted from her visit and she said ‘ just a penis. A penis is good. Nothing beats a good penis’ - took me a few seconds to work out she meant happiness.

@TooTrueToBeGood think you win the thread! Brilliant!

My mum has a bad back, she often uses an electric massager on it which she has always referred to as a vibrator

There used to be a time when vibrators were advertised in mainstream papers as "personal massagers". Combine a rather unwordly-wise gran and a mum who'd been nursing a bad back for months and you get a christmas my family will never forget. Watching mum unwrap her present from MIL to discover a non-doctor vibrator was more than me and my siblings could cope with. Any attempts to stifle our giggles were dashed when gran cheerfully added "if you can't reach I'm sure 'dad' won't mind doing it for you".

Just like father-in-law for stepfather.

It’s the same word in French.

A friend’s little brother called digestives ‘dieyesterdays’.

My MIL was evaporated in WW2

Brilliant!

My gran asked if we wanted semi skilled milk. Her friend was with her one day telling her about a mutual friend who had semolina poisoning after eating chicken.
My mum has a bad back, she often uses an electric massager on it which she has always referred to as a vibrator. We know what she means but it has led to some awkward moments!!!!

Evaporated? That must have been painful, did they use a Condensing Gun?

My MIL was evaporated in WW2

My dad is just as bad for this. Like another poster mentioned upthread, he's fond of a beagle for breakfast. He was adamant that his sister had a vasectomy but my favourite of all was when he said that after the Beatles split up, George Harrison went to India and got into kama sutra. On several occasions I've heard him sing those words to My Sweet Lord.

Chimley is an old and genuine form. Just like father-in-law for stepfather. You find that in She Stoops to Conquer.

'Spunk' is regularly used in the US - when 'Dasani' water was (disastrously) launched, the website featured a US advertisement describing the water as 'bottled spunk' .

Stiffy cocky pudding

That's what I was thinking Betrand - perfectly normal expressions that have been around for years. Not the fault of the older generation new slang meanings have been invented / added to the words since.

Dd aged 10. Very awkward and self concious. Had been doing year 6 sex ed and was mortified that school had sent a letter home detailing what would be covered.

Went out for tea and she ordered a burrito. Cut into it and said "oh it looks like testicles inside".

She meant intestines. Was all shredded cheese and chicken and veg.

Any other kids it wouldn't have been so funny. But dd was the Mrs Bucket of pre teens. And was so horrified.

Lots of these are alternative/older meanings of words- spunk and glory hole for example.....