BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

I sighed as I watched the man I love enter the bathroom with a rolled up newspaper. It would be at least 20-40 minutes before I would see him again and feel him take me on his arms and whisper "Oh Lois, your quilted toilet paper is so LUXURIOUS"

I so hope that last part was illustrated with a picture of her frowning at a door, fist raised. With caption ‘I knocked on the door’

..As I dashed home in shock I bumped into Derek the window cleaner.

"Cheer up love" he said his kind eyes lingering on my tanned cleavage.

As I gazed into his twinkling blue eyes I realised he was a real gentleman. But I couldn't think about that now. I needed to think hard about forgiving Aslam. Sandra had taken advantage of my sweet innocent Aslam but I knew I still loved him with all my heart

I decided to call Physic Susan from the ads page in my Take A Break. I needed answers.

headed straight across the road to hers in my sani slippers. (carefully avoiding puddles)

Absolutely dying at this

LOVE RAT ROTTTER Part 4 continued slightly..

..I reached for the phone and stuttered "Aslam?" To my surprise, a familiar voice replied- Sandra! She sounded flustered so I grabbed a cardi and headed stright across the road to hers in my sani slippers. (carefully avoiding puddles).

My mate Sandra opened the door looking shocked. I had been banging it hard. When I glimpsed her silky nightie and disheveled locks I knew something was going on. It was 1.30 in the afternoon.

Aghast, I pushed past her and rushed upstairs, tears springing to my eyes.
There lying on her breadspread was my lover, I'd know that Mellow Birds coloured tan anywhere.

I was devastated. Upset. My world had turned upside down.
"After all the times I've had you over mine for a cuppa, biccies and a natter, Sandra!!" "How could you steal my Aslam".

Waiting impatiently for Aslam conclusion

Westriding - I'm more concerned about Daz.

AIBU what the fuck happened to Sandra????

alltoomuchrightnow

It was something like Sally Sensible and Betty Barmy I think .

(the headline was something like this - 'Marg's revenge! I buried cheating husband in Shepton Mallet!)

I don't know if anyone remembers this from the 90s but it stayed with me!. A husband with a roving eye died and the wife got the ultimate revenge by having him buried in the place he hated the most (his home town... as I recall he'd had ideas 'above his station' and had left this town as it was beneath him. It was a Somerset town... I'm certain Bridgwater or Shepton Mallet. He'd probably gone off to live in 'that London').....
Anyway, the next week all these angry residents of Bridgwater (or Shepton Mallet) wrote in saying how wonderful the town was. Take A Break had to issue an apology as they hadn't meant to imply the town was a shit hole (not exact words used but close to it!)
Do they still have the letters page.. I think was called Sensible and Barmy? And does Liz still do the beauty page? 'Look the biz with Liz'

My favourite top tip was once you’ve used your disposable razor you can use it for peeling carrots

I have throbbing ache in my meat parts

Harriet - you're a genius! Please become a writer for TaB!

‘My hubbys WONKY WINKY’

This thread genuinely brings me joy. Best of Mumsnet right here (no more mag spoiler though please, my local was out today so I've got to hit up a supermarket tomorrow)

Part 5 I meant!! Too busy thinking about Aslam's Coffee Mate coloured gaze...

Tis only a placeholder Harriet. Can't wait for the official part 4

Aslam didn't have a visa yet but he'd managed to get hold of all his necessary documents just in time. It had cost £10,000 to pay his friends from the kebab shop to get them but what the heck!'

I admired my gorgeous wedding ring. Glinting in the sun it seemed full of promise. A new life. Together. Happy. Aslam had gazed deeply into my bifocals when he tenderly placed it on my finger. "Dawn", he breathed, "This was a precious family heirloom from my Grandmother". Tears of happiness flowed gently down my rosy cheeks. How lucky I was to have such a good man! After years of being unhappily married to Trevor, I felt that Aslam had taught me to love again.

Cleaning up in the kitchen after our slap-up wedding meal, I noticed a Cash Converters shopping bag. I was so proud of Aslam for explaining that he was being 'eco' and reusing carriers. Smiling again at my wedding ring, I noticed that my finger felt itchy. I peered at it; was that a green mark? Something wasn't right. My vision spun. Tilted. Could it be cancer? I reached for my phone. "Aslam!" I stuttered, "I need you!"

Well, I personally use my old bras to strain cooked pasta through.

I'd left my heart and my newly-ignited loins back in Turkey.

Ahhh I thought I could smell something.

No DC so sadly not Chardonnay

Perhaps some of my old bras? If I strip the underwires out I could re-use it, with the lace making an attractive trellis?

Bob, 48, from Rimming Close, Mankini Town, sashayed back into the thread in his size 12 cling film mankini and my husband gaffertaped to his balls.

'I never had an affair' he soothed, handing me a glass of vodka and cola and a ciggie.

'Let's head over to classics for a fresh start and a boogie'.

I love the top tips that end ‘all my friends admire my cutlery chandelier/recycled birthday card art work/sticky backed plastic covered placemats...’

No they don’t. They’re just very polite.