BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

Cross post Lady.

Oh my dm used to love TAB. me too
Remember when Edina told her mum in Ab Fab "don't forget your sad mags!" They were sad mags in our house from then.

I fondly refer to these magazines as "Shat", "Take a Shit", "Shit me Up" etc

I find myself so amusing

I love these magazines! I’ve not read one for ages. My mum & I refer to them as “sad-rags” after that’s what Eddie referred to her mums take a break once in Absolutely Fabulous.

When I go on holiday with my two best friends we always buy some nice glossy magazine to read, as well as That’s Life! & take a break. We’ve been in hysterics before over the ridiculous stories.

The one that sticks in my head was headlined “Lisa’s cheesy snack spelt DOOM” and was about a woman who got a blister from a pizza, then caught an infection (possibly loosely connected to the blister) and then woke up from a coma and had lost both of her legs. Awful story but we couldn’t help but laugh at the headline!

beep laughing at the random capitals!

Ahhh proleporn. I have a bit of a weakness for these, as well. Even though they are horrible, condescending, hugely sexist and prurient, they can be wonderfully, unintentionally hilarious.

And people don't put on weight, they balloon.

"Soon I had ballooned to twenty stone."

It's such an odd expression. Balloons have gas in them, not fat! I ought to know

I ate another square of chocolate. Then another. Before I knew it the entire 300g bar had been devoured! I just couldn't help myself.

I remember reading something similar in Chat mag, about a lady who "piled on the pounds", eventually exceeding 20 odd stone. Every time I over-indulge I imagine my own future weight story and think of the words in italics.

I just couldn't help myself

Omg 'tots' 😷

NotASingleFuckToGive Yes! That page always struck me as horribly sexist. Imagine a page 'aren't women thick!?' In a lads mag!

Slipped into a dress, showing my toned pins 😷

@HariboIsMyCrack
laughed so hard my brother thought I was in agony

@Ructation celebs also 'romp' constantly

My favourite headline ever was 'woman attacks husband because the spaghetti she cooked wasn't 'al dente' . 'Cook the damn thing yourself then' was the sub headline. I hasten to add that I do not advocate any sort of domestic violence.

Hahaha yes, the photos captioned 'Me now' crack me up.

I used to read my grandmother's copies when I lived there (she used to buy them ALL, every week - hours of entertainment)

I think the phrase that used to make me laugh/cringe the most was when they refer to sex as 'we were a tangle of lusty limbs'....WTAF

Don't even get me started on the top tips!! Who knew there could be so many uses for sanitary towels (e.g. shoe insoles, bunny ears for fancy dress) gahhh!!

They have a column "Your Brainwaves". I had a look at few. I had to stop before I was overcome by despair for humanity.
I was shattered when I realised how difficult it is to get persimmon spit from the shiny screen of my laptop. I was in tears, trying to remove the orange chunks of the exotic fruit with a wet tissue, only to find out it left smears all over the display as I was desperately trying to enjoy my indulgence of reading Mumsnet. "Oh no, not that again" I whispered in agony as yet another word disappeared behind the disgusting orange leftover of one of my five-a-day I buy with joy and avid interest in my health in our local Tesco .

A look of concern swept over his usually bright features, and colour bloomed on his cheeks. A strange sound escaped his lips. Yes, the baby was pooing again.

Brushing her hair out of her face she sighed, and heaved the enormous infant up the stairs to undertake the dreaded task. Suddenly an explosion! She hadn't much time. She held the weighty child away from her pale, wobbly body to stop the dreaded substance infecting her mustard Primark cardigan. "Who needs CrossFit?" she chirriped to the gurgling babe, as her upper arms ached.

Thankfully the damage was salvageable, and the family soon returned to normality.

Until next time.

I remember a weekly mag having a page called "Aren't Men Daft?", where women would tell the world why their DHs are stupid and useless for a cash prize.

"I was at the Zoo with my Dave last month, and he said, 'If that penguin doesn't stop flapping about, it'll hurt itself.'
It was a Zebra, not a penguin. He left his glasses in the car, didn't he? He's a bit of a bellend is our Dave. That'll be £20."

Rylanmakesmyheartsmile

Just looked up TAB online - these are some of their stories:

TRAPPED and made to eat CAT FOOD
My neighbour gave me her WOMB
Lying groom POISONED me at our wedding
Poor mum – thrown from a bridge in her pyjamas
A poltergeist ravaged our Christmas turkey
He DUNKED our condoms in POISON
TRAPPED in a fridge, but KETCHUP kept me SANE
We were POSSESSED on our Sunday stroll

Women getting married never "put on a dress". They always "slip into a gown". Before their slap up meal, with all the trimmings, ends in a massive fight, or whatever.

OMG I love these mags, they're bloody hilarious/awful/literary genius. Fave headline I've seen 'I gave BIRTH in a KFC family bucket!'

How exactly does compartment syndrome tear your bum apart?

Children are kids

Or annoyingly 'tots'

The way they describe their boyfriend or husband as being drop dead gorgeous with stunning blue eyes etc then the photo is a large unattractive man who's been made out to look like Ryan gosling 😂