BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

Chat magazine has paid £25 for a photo of a baby sleeping in a perfectly normal position for a baby and some women with their faces painted outside the Welsh rugby HQ.

Hardly photos of Elvia playing cards with Big Foot & Lord Lucan, is it?!

"Holiday Romance Changed My Life"

I met Pedro in Lanzarote. His soft brown eyes and the tight trunks melted my defences on our second day and I succumbed to him right there, on the warm sand of the beach, with the silver light of the moon shining her blessing on the union of our bodies.
The rough grains of sand must have shredded the condom because I started feeling nauseous one month after my return from my dream holidays. I thought it was just the local chipper having problems with their hygiene again but when I fainted on the Brook Street, Brightpool and was brought to Boots by a kind shop assistant I knew it was a sign from fate. I bought a pregnancy test straight away and with my eyes closed and bated breath I waited for the result. I was pregnant!
Elated, I called Pedro on my Samsung and told him that he needs to come earlier than the already arranged 6 months during which he wanted to sell the lands he inherited from his uncle and buy the house of our dreams for us in England.
I thought his silence was just a delighted shock. Suddenly, the connection broke and when I tried calling back, the number was disconnected. So was his email that kept bouncing back and his Facebook profile disappeared.
I was sick with worry but had no chance to contact him. He disappeared from the surface of the earth and will never know that the little bundle of joy I pushed out has his brown eyes and olive complexion. I am looking at my little tot in her 4-pound unicorn top from Primark and can't stop thinking how beautiful our life could be with her handsome and charming Daddy. Sadly, I will only be able to afford another trip to Lanzarote in 6 years.

Years ago I went through a stage of entering the TAB completions & I won a prize!
So in the style of TAB I'll tell you what I won

Tracy flicked her long blonde locks over her shoulder & pouted whilst she gazed at the competition page. Should she enter? Should she enter them all? "Well I've got nothing to lose but a stamp & I could win the holiday or trolley dash. Do they do trolley dashes around Sainsbury's?" she thought dreamily.
A few weeks later....... there was a knock at the door. It was the hunky Brad Pitt lookalike postman. He handed me his package & I licked my lips longingly as he winked at me. Overcome with lust/embarrassment I ran into the kitchen & grabbed a knife......... 5 mins later my mysterious parcel was........a smoke alarm.
I was not amused.
Photo of scowling Tracy Beaker, The Dumping Ground, BBCLand with smoke alarm.

A part of my job involves me having to spend some time in waiting rooms in GP or dentist practices, hospitals etc. Where there is poor or no phone signal. Yup, many otherwise boring minutes or sometimes hours have been spent reading TAB and PMU. And lots of giggles and rolled eyes might have happened too. Noticed "the slap up meals", "I came home from my job as a cleaner", "a blue eyed hunk with cheeky smile" ( well, not as much according to the photo), the infamous "romps" (that happen after "one thing led to another") and of course the "biccies".

Aliens turned my son into a stuffed olive!
Double decker London bus spotted at the North Pole!

The 'me now' photos are bad enough but the 'us now' ones are worse. My Darren shagged my mum, auntie, grandmother and impregnated my sister with twins but we've worked it out and he loves me. Then there's a little paragraph at the end from Darren who says 'Yeah I was drunk and made a mistake'

Many many years ago, a story about me was in one of those magazines. Nothing dramatic, just a rather sweet story about my wedding. Think 4 weddings and a funeral ring fiasco

When I read what they had written I pointed out that half of it didn't happen and that they had said I was very stressed and upset that it was ruining my special day which was not true at all as we all found it quite funny and I was the most laid back bride ever, but I was told people wouldn't enjoy it if I hadn't been distressed

Anyway, we didn't tell anyone at the time and the cash paid for a new sofa which wad good as we were totally broke at the time!

Hopefully nobody has and back issues going back that far

*There are always stories about people who are obviously having an affair, but their partner apparently had no clue.

'I gasped as I found a picture of my partner rimming Bob from down the road'.

'We're just friends' he soothed, and I persuaded myself I was being silly. Even when Bob came over with some cans of lager and a mankini with my husband's face on the crotch, I still thought I was wrong.

Then Bob's sister put a photo on Facebook of Bob marrying my husband, and I gasped again.

I tried to persuade him to move away for a 'fresh start', but he says he loves Bob.

Cue sad face photo of women looking into fridge whilst wearing a warm cardigan.*

Jesus Christ, I got as far ask the mankini and just laughted so hard I cried. Now my 6 year old keeps asking what I'm laughing at
Iv haven't laughed that uncontrollably for ages

I'll leave this here 😀

I always love the crap writing in these sorts of magazines. For some reason I particularly like the random captions with photos, always with one that says 'me now'. They are utter tripe but hilarious in their terribleness.

I have no idea what compartment syndrome is but I exercise quite a lot and am now worried I might get it and have my bum torn apart!

I am loving the top tips shaking with laughter whilst trying not to wake the baby who's asleep on my lap

milliemolliemou most likely the other woman gave her a ring.

That or she was forced into witness protection!

I LOVE Take a Break! It's hilarious. I often used to read it from my modest 3-bedroom semi in Berkshire, when my devoted husband Andrew was having a rare night out with his friends. "You're never alone with a TAB!" I used to smile, as I stirred my cuppa.

Anyway, ahem... has it still got the "My Operation" column? That was always my favourite.

Keep 'em coming, folks. Not sure which I prefer, the stupendous mags at the hairdresser's - a biannual affair where I read through Tatler, Vogue and Harper's and giggle. Or the dentists where there's all sorts of TABS, Hola and whatever ... and giggle.

Can anyone do the back story to ONE CALL DESTROYED MY LIFE? I saw the headline just now but didn't have time to read it ....

They never fancy anyone they become "smitten".

*table, not gable.

‘The gable was groaning with food as I settled for another night in with Tombola bingo for company.’

Scraping the barrel...

Genius

HarrietKettle your milky blue eyes almost killed me.
Trying to keep my mouth shut while it's full of Schweppes tonic water while hysterically laughing is a recipe for disaster.

I hope Gaz is another Ryan Reynolds lookalike. In a wife-beater vest and a can of Stella in his beefy palm.

He certainly is. He also weighs six stone and has to lift the Stella with both hands because it's too heavy for one.

'I love a woman with a bit of meat on her bones' said Gaz...

I hope Gaz is another Ryan Reynolds lookalike. In a wife-beater vest and a can of Stella in his beefy palm.

Lots of Hassan LOVE RATS from Tunisia all inclusives too I do remember stumbling across a forum/support group years ago for victims of Tunisian love rats. I think it was set up by the mother of a 16 year old who fell prey to Ali, the King Love Rat. It was both horrifying and hilarious.