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Original poster

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

OP posts:
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minionsrule · 22/02/2018 19:23

Years ago when i used to buy TAB it would be in my tray on work and woman who sat next to me used to ogle at the headlines..... i know she was dying to borrow but daren't lower herself Grin.
I used to buy it for the top tips. There have been an influx of recycling hubbies old ties recently. Who knew you could make yourself a skirt from them.... and cushion covers Shock.
My 2 favourites were using old wooden pallets for some classy DIY garden decking, and attaching a sock to your belt as a holder for your TV remote..... you will never lose that remote again. Especially good when they send in a photo..... pink sock attached to your trouser belt anyone?
Actually no, i have one that went one better, if your shoes don't fit properly don't waste money on expensive insoles, just cut a sanitary towel down to size to fit in shoe..... even comes in handy if you are ever caught short

justgivemethepinot · 22/02/2018 19:22

Ha, I call these Jeremy Kyle mags.

Weight loss phrases are always:
A fantastic 14
A curvey 12
A slinky size 10
A skinny size 8

I amuse myself with the marriage proposals, this one stands out in my mind -

'Dave nudged me, "fancy getting married?"
I replied: "yes"

I did win £100 on one of their competitions once though!

PicklingGherkins · 22/02/2018 19:18

Derek

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
PicklingGherkins · 22/02/2018 19:17

My weekend is sorted!! Vino, TaB and sexy Derek (the window cleaner) with his twinkly eyes and hideous infidelity with all the women on my road.

Fletchasaurus · 22/02/2018 19:13

I have nothing to add as I can't remember ever reading the magazine, but this thread is priceless!

3luckystars · 22/02/2018 19:07

My favourite story EVER was the woman putting on moisturiser and the brushed her teeth. Her hands were slippyand she dropped the toothbrush down her throat and couldn’t grab it in time so swallowed the entire thing!!!
Off she went to bed.
Yes she did. She actually went to bed.
She woke up with stomach pains and only then thought about how the thing was going to exit.
It showed photos of the X-ray!
‘Me now’ was holding a toothbrush.

ELR · 22/02/2018 19:02

'KILLED BY HER OWN CARDIGAN'

This made me really laugh!!

Cocolepew · 22/02/2018 19:01

Gaz of the twinkling blye eyes and cheeky grin usually has at least three teeth missing .

PerpendicularVincent · 22/02/2018 19:00

Thank you for the Bob love Grin

Christmastits · 22/02/2018 18:56

I've read so
Many of these recently! The 'top tips' are hilarious! 'I use sanitary towels as slippers in the house.. just stick them to my feet! '

"Are you entertaining soon?!, do you have no money?! Just freeze little blobs of toothpaste as mints! Your guests will never know!"

Jayfee · 22/02/2018 18:51

Have you been eavesdropping on my Writers Group?

3luckystars · 22/02/2018 18:49

me now photos

Photos of the woman looking out her net curtain at the house across the road. Her husband has now moved in over there with the new woman that moved on to the street. He hated her but helped her with a few odd jobs and now they have shacked up over the road.
The last photo always has ‘Me Now’ written on it.

I love Take A Break!!!

FrankensteinsSister · 22/02/2018 18:49

I was in one of these mags. I got £300. I’d met the journalist and photographer at another, related, event, and she got in touch later to say she wanted to do a feature on my story. She was lovely! If liberal with the finer points of the truth (e.g. a grotty flat became a smart townhouse, etc).

DrMadelineMaxwell · 22/02/2018 18:45

My friends were in it.

All because one was super-competitive in the Mothers' race at sports day. One pushed the other out of her way to win and instead of a harmless stumble, the other friend dislocated her knee, had to be wheelchaired off the track and taken to A&E.

I think the money from the story helped soften the blow to the friendship.

Spangles1963 · 22/02/2018 18:45

Seems that sanitary towels are the new must have multi use item.

Bettercallsaul1 · 22/02/2018 18:44

Another vote of appreciation here for Bob in his embellished mankini and the Gasping Narrator. Grin Funniest thread I've read here for ages!

Spangles1963 · 22/02/2018 18:42

OMG! Slippers made out of sanitary towels! Place mats made from bottle lids! Priceless.

iklboo · 22/02/2018 18:42

And the No Shit Sherlock award goes to......

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
Handsoffmysweets · 22/02/2018 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

MycatsaPirate · 22/02/2018 18:41

My sister was in TAB too.

I fucking love the top tips.

Can you imagine going to a house where someone used all the top tips? Those place mats with the deodorant egg cups, the cereal boxes on table corners, a half cut up chair so your gran can piss in a bucket, mum wearing fanny pads on her feet and poor old granddad is so cold that they've put the kettle on to make a new set of handwarmers for him after a cuppa.

Bloody hell.

Handsoffmysweets · 22/02/2018 18:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

treaclesoda · 22/02/2018 18:38

That was a cheery Christmas in Pick Me Up land Shock

SulSulNarfab · 22/02/2018 18:33

My mum and I used to read them together. I might have to buy one tomorrow for old times sake!

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
MissionItsPossible · 22/02/2018 18:32

Just grabbed a two week old copy of Chat. Some of the headlines on the cover:

My hubby became MY CHILD

SHE BIT OFF MY BITS for not wanting a three-in-a-bed-romp

HELP ME...My flesh is melting!

I'm PROUD I sleep with married men

And In next week's chat......

My mobile SAVED my life

MURDERED with a milkshake?

MORE STORIES!
MORE PUZZLES!
MORE PRIZES!

Spangles1963 · 22/02/2018 18:32

It's always locks,not hair.
Blooms,not flowers.
A meal is never just a meal,it's always a 'slap-up meal'.