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Original poster

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/02/2018 20:02

You lot are wasted on here - you should be writing for TAB!

Smokeahontas · 22/02/2018 19:59

Good lord, so many uses for sanitary towels.

I may or may not have bought a load of these on my way home from work....

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 22/02/2018 19:58

DD and I used to buy The National Enquirer for long car trips. Oh the fun we had.

I’ll never admit to that IRL.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/02/2018 19:56

I was so shocked when I discovered Terry was a cheating scumbag who'd just come out of prison for GBH. I wish I'd listened to my mate Carly who was friends with his brother but he was the love of my life. He bought me flowers and took me to Nandos on our first date where we realised we both had the same favourite food- chicken with peri peri drizzle. After he shared his chips and a kiss with me, I knew the rumours couldn't be true.

causeimunderyourspell · 22/02/2018 19:56

Ah @Christmastits I was gonna day the toothpaste one!! That was absolutely hilarious, imagine being given one of those after a dinner party. Mmm this mint tastes like... Colgate. It's Colgate, Keith, lets go home.

Ivymaud · 22/02/2018 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tanith · 22/02/2018 19:51

My mum used to get Women’s Own, primarily for the knitting patterns.

I shall never forget her face as she leafed gingerly through the Take A Break the newsagent sent her instead one week Grin

That could be a headline:
“Mum of 4 Electrified by Newsman’s Blunder!”

The one I remember was a story about “I pulled my daughter’s hair out!”
She picked off some cradle-cap.

DustbinTails · 22/02/2018 19:50

Rayn-Bo and Tao-Kyron!!

That's got to be a wind-up??

causeimunderyourspell · 22/02/2018 19:45

@LemonShark FHM had a segment called 'out of the mouths of babes' or something like that which was men writing in to tell them stupid stuff they'd overheard women saying

GimbleInTheWabe · 22/02/2018 19:45

@HarrietKettle is it so wrong that I want to know what happened next? Surely Aslam has pure intentions and they now live together happily in her modest 3 bed semi in North Yorkshire?

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 22/02/2018 19:42

Just a few I have saved into my phone

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
NotASingleFuckToGive · 22/02/2018 19:42

I saw one of the 'Cheat's Betrayal' stories a while ago that made me howl for the wrong reasons.

"I knew my partner John would be home from the factory soon, so I set about peeling spuds and carrots for tea. Just then my door knocked, so I put the kettle on. I knew who it would be. My neighbour Sandra, she'd taken us under her wing when me and the nippers arrived on the street, and I looked forward to our daily natter, setting the world to rights over a cuppa and a Hobnob."

She was fucking 19 Grin

Cadence70 · 22/02/2018 19:42

My favourite top tips were from viz not tab
1: a dairylea triangle painted with Tipex makes an ideal mini brie
2: If your child is choking on an ice cube quickly pour some boiling water down its throat

3luckystars · 22/02/2018 19:39

Remember the woman who got gastric surgery and could only drink liquids but continued melting jugs of chocolate in the microwave and funneling it down her neck. She was even bigger in the ‘Me Now’ photos and was really cross with herself.

Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 22/02/2018 19:38

My favourite story was from years ago. It was someone living locally to me at the time that had been having an affair with a local cabbie-can’t remember exactly what else!
The best line was “I felt a shiver of excitement as his muscly legs worked the pedals of his taxi” Grin
As you might have guessed he was no muscly hunk!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/02/2018 19:36

I couldn't believe my eyes when a dark haired hunk started working at McDonald's. blurred photo of the scowling hunk looking a bit spotty in an Adidas tracksuit
After our first date we fell passionately into each other's arms. He moved in with me and my 4 children from a previous relationship that day. I found out I was pregnant just 2 months later. It was quick but it felt so right.

Toyboysrus · 22/02/2018 19:33

Death by Mascara, that would be a good TAB headline!

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 22/02/2018 19:31

The weight loss stories always feature a variation on 'I spent my evenings gorging on fatty pasties and family sized bars of chocolate as well as guzzling litres of sugary fizzy drinks.'

DeathByMascara · 22/02/2018 19:29

Been in bed all day feeling like shit but this has cheered me right up! Debating sending hubby (of thinly eyed fame) to the shop to get me some crap mags and chocolate.

Toyboysrus · 22/02/2018 19:29

The women in the stories are always called Shaz or Caz and the men are always called Baz or Daz. Apart from the Turkish/Tunisian love rats obviously.

Original poster
HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 19:28

'Sipping an exotic cocktail, I lay back on my sun-lounger and signed with contentment. 'This is the life!', I giggled to my best friend, Sandra.

We'd come away on a sunny beach holiday to Bodrom, Turkey. I'd been widowed since my Barry had died three years earlier, and at 67, love was the last thing on my mind!

But the sexy waiter in our hotel had other ideas. 'morning beautiful!' he greeted me at the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. 'Fancy drink later?' he twinkled at me, smiling cheekily.

I was flattered but wary. At 21, he was young enough to be my grandson! But I reckoned I deserved a bit of fun. 'Oh heck, why not! ' i thought as I pulled on a slinky dress later on.

Aslam's mouth gaped open at the sight of my generous bosom in my favourite clingy dress, and was the perfect gentleman all night.

'I prefer older women', he assured me. 'They have so much sophistication'.

He told me his dream was to travel to the UK and open his own shop, but he used all his wages to support his family in turkey. 'I don't even have moped to travel to see them' he told me forlornly, his dark locks flopping over his smooth face.

My heart when out to him.

That night, he took me in his arms for the first time and we romped until sunrise.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/02/2018 19:27

The sock on your belt..Grin classy.

MrsElvis · 22/02/2018 19:25

My favourite women's mag title was

"MY VAGINA EXPLODED"

Colleague and I were hysterical in the motorway services. Bought it and were quite disappointed said vagina didn't anywhere near EXPLODE

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/02/2018 19:24

Brilliant thread!

I was intrigued by the MY MUM TOLD ME SHE WAS HAVING MY BOYFRIEND'S BABY!!

Her mum was a surrogate. It was all agreed and via IVF.. Hmm

Top tip: Chandeliers are expensive. Take the material off your ceiling lampshade and hang cutlery off the metal frame with wire!

You'll have to eat with your hands, but wow look at the shit amazing light.
I'm predicting in the next issue: MY BOYFRIEND WAS STABBED BY A CHANDELIER!!

Zintox · 22/02/2018 19:23

I used to work for these types of mags. It was fun!