BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

Ah, huge slow-typing-esque cross post

Harriet and Aslam-

After withdrawing the cash and stuffing it into my ample bra, I raced to get changed. What to wear? I quivered with excitement as I slid the Contessa slip over my thighs. Sure, it was 25 years old but I was sure Aslam wouldn't mind!!

We began the long drive to his family home. FINALLY after 52 LONG hours I was going to meet them. Suddenly I had a surge of doubt. Would they like me? Would I like them? So many questions raced around my mind as we travelled the long, windy, curvy, swirly, dusty, musty roads. My doubts were quashed though as I sneakily watched Aslam handle the car. A man who could stroke a clutch like that couldn't be bad. Could he?

I was as nervous as a kitten as I greeted his Mother. At least, I THOUGHT it was his mother. Turns out it was HIS LONG LOST COUSIN!!!! Sadly they didn't have any biccies but I did notice how poor they were as they apparently had no egg cups and stored them in, what looked like, upturned Lynx caps.

I could sense Aslam's eyes on me. I turned and instantly knew "that look". He wanted me. RIGHT NOW. I was powerless to resist as he made our excuses and shagged me senseless in the goat shed. Was this real love? Could it be? The way he rammed me up against the straw left me in no doubt. This was IT.

As we left, he casually pointed out that the house was falling to pieces and would cost 3657385195679782879859 lira to repair. I bit my lip. Could I honestly live with myself if I didn't help? He had told me he'd never felt like this before...

@StubbleTurnips According to the local news article he was cured of cancer back in 2015 thanks to a customer of his (sounds well TaB actually 😀). Sorry to remind you of his twatty behaviour on such a fun thread though.

Ah, I see you've realised it was impossible! Love the enigmatic ending...!

Demi-Demi

I think of you and your breasts all the morning, it makes me hot inside when I serve the fried eggs.

You're inviting someone else to write the final part, Harriet? How could they possibly match this deathless prose?

Abusive DH is reincarnated as a goldfish called Splashy.
She must be the woman who sneezed and her brain exploded

@PicklingGherkins you gave me a fright, DH and I were secretly hoping for a TaB scandal involving Derek! He's an arse btw in real life, made me cry at 9 months pregnant as I was missing 50p for his round and he went beserk on our driveway. Right cock head he was.

@3luckystars I don't know why, but the melting chocolate woman had me in hysterics. DH came to check on me as he thought I was crying (with sadness)!

Do they do these online? I've never read one and my mum only used to get things like Marie Claire, they sound like a brilliant source of entertainment!

I bloody love Take A Break.

I used to have a job where I had a lot of time to read magazines. I found that Take A Break would last much longer than classy magazines.

Aliens turned my son into a stuffed olive!
Double decker London bus spotted at the North Pole!

Now that is the Sunday Sport, which is brilliant.

I LOVE this thread. I’m laughing out loud at the Vanessa Feltz drinking custard fears 😂😂😂

I remember reading one story about a woman who ‘fell for’ a ‘love rat’ named Mick, and she’d said something like ‘my heart leapt as he pulled up outside in his peachy pink Nissan Micra. Jumping in, I felt like a teenager again.’

There was the obligatory photos of her sat next to a phone because Mick hadn’t called with a caption something like ‘I waited for his call’, and then ‘Me now.’

Sure you’re better off without him, pet.

I am definitely purchasing a few shit mags this week

What have I been missing! I need to read one, now.

My favourite ever headline was:

My parrot came back as a CRISP!

A woman had found a crisp shaped vaguely like a parrot. She'd owned a parrot a couple of years ago, but had to rehome it (it wasn't even dead when it 'came back').

@stubbleturnips I cheated and literally google image searched Derek Window Cleaner and that picture came up (it's from a local paper article). He fitted the TaB description of cheeky face and twinkly eyes so I went with it.

C'mon Harriet I really, really need to know how it all tragically feel apart with Aslam!

I'm totally buying a few of these tomorrow. I wonder could we get HQ to give us a crap-mags topic

“As soon as the man spotted me, he made a run for it but I wasn’t letting him get away, not while I had breath in my body. I set off after him at a sprint, my 58-year-old limbs charging away beneath me, like a cheetah hunting it’s prey.” Take a break page 37

Aslam and I in happier times. I remember when I swooned at his deep brown eyes and thick mop of hair.

I have shit the walls laughing at this thread

lolaflores Farting whilst turning beetroot is quite an acheivement. I just let out a little bit of wee when I read something funny. I feel quite inadequate now!

MrsDesireeCarthorse

When I was a Uni student I remember buying a copy of Chat which had a story in it "I had Phone Sex with a Chicken." Was that you, by any chance?

Best thread ever-laughing like a twat at these!
Yassqueen excellent pithy piece!

Used to read mum's TaB, occasionally buy it if I miss too much Jeremy Kyle! Found one behind my sofa 'MURDER at our wedding'. Couple got married in Vegas at the same time as the shooting at the concert.
Long story short-they were not involved but it makes a good story!!

Love the 'Me Now' pictures, the Daily Mail compo faces on some of them!

HarrietKettle and then it talks about how she realises she has to diet because she had so many Big Macs she is now a size 30. Or maybe she has to get stuck on a fairground ride before she has that revelation?