BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

I'm not walking any more. I'm going to sashay EVERYWHERE!

Ilostitintheearlyninties The art of the Sashay usually surfaces by the 5th glass of Chardonnay and before the shots start.
It is typified by a surge of unfettered confidence and a song coming on that, if you were sober, you would just tap your foot to, but the wine surging through your system makes you feel like Gene Kelly on Speed.
Not a good combo.
But you have to do it once to feel you have truly lived.

Just don't go out in the rain bunnies. Your ears will swell to epic proportions and may expand widthways.

This thread has kept me snorting and hiccuping all bloody day. Half my Belgian bun went across the floor in a great spray of hilarity.
My DH dos think I am mental but I can't even begin to explain to him why its so friggin funny.
Back in the day when me and my best mate were single parents, both in our 20s, TAB kept us enteretained for feck all money. She nicked her mums copies.
We still talk about it.
I swear this thread has given me colic from holding in the laughter.

This thread is hilarious!

Now, just in case anyone's excited about Easter, I'll just leave this here...

How do you Sashay onto a dance floor? They're all at it. Does no one just walk to the dance floor anymore.

‘I woke up to a trampled flowerbed and a giant arse print on my bonnet.’ What this pensioner did to set the record straight...

Yes Jane you've set the bar too low for gentlemanly suitors

Love It! Still exists - just picked up a copy

If she thinks a 'real gentleman' goes round talking about how 'fit' the 'birds' are, I'd hate to know what she thinks an ungentlemanly chap is like .

FIND THE BASTARD WHO SHAT DOWN MY CHIMNEY
Homeowner's flue poo horror

(actually includes a photograph)

This brought a tear to my eye from Pick Me Up magazine this month..

MR ROMANTIC
Jane Bratton, 35, from Stoke on Trent
Sashaying onto the dance floor, I noticed that everybody in the place seemed to be looking at me..
I'd lost weight and felt good. In a tight size 14 dress I was knocking back the shots
Before too long, I locked eyes with a man near the bar. Feeling flirty! The stranger downed his drink and walked over!

Excuse Me, he shouted over the music. But you must be the fittest bird in here tonight!
I erupted into laughter

We danced all night, John was a real gentleman

Jane I think you can do better love

TaB is going to be sold out this weekend after this thread .

writes*

Why Susan write Birthday cards to her cat and not her husband...

I've been dipping in and out of this all day at work and trying to laugh quietly at my desk.
Comedy gold thread.

Some of the tips as well! Those fucking placemats with milk bottle tops stuck on. Why??

I'd like to add to the language - in addition to "locks" for hair they occasionally use "tresses" instead. It's the only place I've ever seen anyone use it

Found a copy in the swap box on holiday a couple of years ago. My DS’s has never seen anything like it and were howling with laughter at the headlines. Favourite was ‘my wonky boobs got me arrested’. They still mention it sometimes now.

I'll never forget my secondary school teacher giving us an assignment to give a ridiculous headline to a tabloid story.

He was inspired by the "telephone ate my hand"

I did "my boyfriend ran away with my grandmother" . In reality, he had kidnapped her grandmother to hostage her for money

Chicken lady wisely says that ‘people are too quick to divorce these days’

The triumph of optimism...

I’m surprised there have been no coq puns. I'm disappointed in you, mumsnet.

There was a story in it a while ago about a lady who used her fingerprint to unlock her partner's phone, she found dirty texts he had sent to other women and the headline to the story was 'fingered' 😂

'I couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe he'd be so cruel. I felt betrayed. Hurt. Broken. I reached for his mobile. Scrolled to his inbox. My eyes locked on the messages. My stomach lurched. Roiled. Tears welled. Fell. My hand trembled. Shook. So it was true. Clear. Undeniable. He'd had sex with the Christmas turkey'

I absolutely love the staccato prose. It adds a certain je ne sais quois to proceedings

I looked sadly at the remains of the turkey. Violated and broken. But I still managed to follow the Mumsnet advice and make a week's worth of meals from it. As time went on I grew stronger and one day met Kevin. He won my trust and soon we knew our love was meant to be. He was by my side holding my hand as I pushed little Maris-Piper into the world. Now we are a family. Strong and loyal. We are all vegetarians now though.

NotASingleFuckToGive that's gross. Absolutely and horrendously gross.

At what point during your husband shagging some poultry do you think 'best call round the mags and see who gives us the best offer'
You'd never look them in the eye again if they were your neighbour