BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

Ha, this has struck a chord for me. I’m in hospital and got a magazine from the trolley man today. He obviously mainly caters to an older audience so I picked the best of a bad bunch which happened to be TAB. It was this baby shock headline that swung my choice, but talk about false advertising! It’s actually a woman being surrogate to a gay couple for whom she was best woman. Pesky editor twisting a fairly run of the mill story to make it sound salacious. And stupid me buying into it. Mind you, they claim to pay up to £2k so I’m going to use my time in here laid up to think which mundane aspect of my life I can twist for a TAB story that sounds gripping even though it’s not. Some of you lot can fluff out the writing, use 10 words when 2 would suffice, that kind of thing. I’ll split the proceeds with anyone who helps

Also I’m shocked that Susan from Bradford was paid £75 for telling the world her kids went on a walk and then sat on a bench at the end of it! What a crock of shite!

Imagine if the Apollo 13 crew had had a pack of always ultra to hand ....

This article about TAB and their ‘brainwaves roadshow’ is brilliant

slightlysouthofsanity.blogspot.co.uk/2009/05/take-break-as-therapy.html?m=1

Bulking out a casserole with sanitary towels has left me with face ache from laughter!

The obvious tips are my favourite.
“Feeling thirsty? I find a glass of water really sorts this out” reveals Derek, 52, Fuckwittterington.

Tired of getting your washing 'darked on', make a cover for your clothes out of sanitary towels to stop spiders rubbing their willies on your washing.

Picking up from where we left off earlier: 'Don't worry, my darling.' I smiled 'I have a plan.'...

Back in the UK in my 3 bed semi, I pondered and plotted. What to do? How could I help Aslam? My brain whirred. Thoughts flying around like the cutlery on my home-made Take a Break top tips wind chime. My inheritance from Mankini Bob, age 75, was tied up in red tape. Legal eagles were doing their best but how could I save Aslam's family home in the meantime? Sitting at my breakfast bar I prayed for inspiration.

Suddenly I knew just what to do. Cheap, strong, absorbent and durable - I'd take some Always with me to fix the roof! Excited, I picked up my iPhone with its Swarovski crystal case and dialled Aslam. I couldn't wait to tell him my news and see his gorgeous twinkling Options Belgian Hot Chocolate coloured eyes again...

No deodorant in the house? Can't be arsed to iron a fresh shirt?

Stick two sanitary towels under your pits and change every day.

Put a sanitary towel on top to your pot plants and soak the towel to water the pants.

Known as Chavmags in this house.
My son was once approached by TAB to do a photospread for them. He had lost a lot of weight and there was stuff about him on Reddit. I imagined one of those photos with him standing in one leg of his trousers with a cheesy grin and a thumbs up. They offered him £1500 for this but fortunately his morals must be better than mine and he declined whilst sashaying his toned pins in the opposite direction.
As an aside the DM wasn't so scrupulous and published a made up story about him. They described him as an astrologer among other things and not a hint of coin was offered.
However, I did win a car from TAB several years ago. Complete fluke but you can't look a gift horse in the mouth. I was worried someone would come to the house with a car wrapped in a big red bow and I would be forced to pose on the bonnet flashing some side boob.

Have people got TAB on Readly? It seems not to be on there other than monthly specials

No dough for making pie? Just use sanitary towels!

Performing a kidnapping? Cover the kid's mouth with a sani towel!

I am dying here

Casserole too watery? Bulk it out with sanitary towels!

- Must remember that lovely tip next time I make an overly moist casserole...

To be fair, when I did a first aid course they said sanitary towels make great emergency dressings, just remember to place absorbent side down.

Got a blister? Line your shoe with Sani towels!
Spilled your drink? Mop it up with sani towels!
House at risk of flooding? Instead of sandbags, use sani towels!
Performing a kidnapping? Cover the kid's mouth with a sani towel!
Fancy a change of decor in the bathroom? Tile the wall with sani towels!

Another 'real' one, apparently you can pour strong alcohol onto sani towels and put them in the freezer to use as ice packs (the gel kind for injuries)
Or, you know, you could buy an actual ice pack and drink the alcohol.

A friend of mine wrote an article for Take a Break years ago, after her daughter almost died of meningitis. This was part of a campaign to highlight awareness. We did have to laugh rather a lot at how they'd edited what she wrote though - it was converted into very short sentences ('Time passed. I prayed for my baby.') , no big words, lots of dramatic pauses... She is an extremely intelligent woman with an extensive vocabulary, but they made her sound like she had a reading age of about six. It was for a good cause though, so she forgave them.

Bloody hell, two pages in. They look similar in that they both have heads.

I’ve got Chat, Take a Break and That’s Life. Friday night sorted.

Effing works better WITH there

*their

Are the kids arguing again? Do you need a gag? Just stick a heavy flow sanitary towel over there cakeholes!

I really want to read “banned for shitting in the crispy seaweed”but it won’t enlarge on my iPad. I am bereft.

Casserole too watery? Bulk it out with sanitary towels!

We need to think of 100 uses for sanitary towels...
Hat too big? Line it with sanitary towels!
Cut yourself and don't have a plaster to hand? Whack a panty liner on it, job done!
Etc etc.

Cland I SHRIEKED when I got to the age