How to be a lovely parent to teenager?

I love chatting to my teens. Love that they're growing up and discovering themselves. They're so interesting and funny!

Tips: I make sure they/we all sit down to dinner together most days. I also hang around at breakfast and catch most of them on their way out. I love it when they chat together (usually when raiding the fridge) and I join in, and I often just go and visit them in their rooms for a chat.

They like baking with me still, cooking and occasional games nights. My 12 year old recently came conkering with me and her younger siblings and that was lovely.

They also like it if I take them out clothes buying and buy lunch too which I try to do occasionally!

I also let them have friends over whenever - we usually have someone sleeping over at a weekend.

guestofclanmackenzie. My teens (16 & as good as 14) are rarely seen downstairs as well, so some of these posts do make me a little sad.

I agree with the side by side parenting. Cars/walks are when they are at their most communicative.
We also make a point of all eating together at the table.
I try my hardest to keep up with their interests, however, my 14yo keeps her interests very well hidden. She’s autistic too & doesn’t see the point of talking to me about her interests, because I don’t understand anyway. I have noticed an interest in music recently. Nothing specific, just that she likes listening and it’s one of the few topics that will have her speak.
I have weird teens who shun social media. Ds has an IG account, but only used it for the DM function.
I tried just fun text messages, but they seem to confuse my ds and he just replies with “OK”, no matter what I write!
DH has started taking ds to the gym once a week & he seems to enjoy that 1 2 1 time.
Ds is my gentle giant. Amazing with his 5yo sister too and little too sensitive and so he doesn’t ask his friends around, because that would mean they have to deal with DH & I and that’s just awkward. He doesn’t think we’re terrible, but he doesn’t like interacting with friends’ parents, so he prefers to save his friends from the ordeal

I know some people feel very sad about their children growing up but I think this is something to be a bit careful about. Our children grow and change and become themselves more over time, and I think that it's a pretty fantastic process to be celebrated. Adjusting parenting to fit developing young adults can be very hard but I do think it's important that teenagers feel that their parents think they are pretty great and not just going through a phase that has to be tolerated.

Mine has a fiercely independent streak, wants to do and organise everything herself and rolls eyes/gnashes teeth when I remind her about homework or teeth brushing etc. She can also be absolutely lovely and we sit to watch and discuss tv, do baking, see a film at the cinema, go shopping - always happy when there’s the odd treat in store. We do a couple of weekends away together every year, just the 2 of us. Her friends are round often and I do mum’s taxi to activities and dropping her off at friends. We chat in the car a lot. Just normal stuff really. She hates me tonight as she hasn’t done homework set a week ago and I was only prepared to give minimum input. Not so independent really

Amazing thread! My eldest is 12 so we're just entering this stage and taking notes!

He does say I'm a cool mum, I'm open to his friends being in and feed them all. We have a few things that are just for us. I know it's wrong but for the last 2 years I've let him take a Friday in December off school and we go for hot.chocolate and buy the Christmas tree. I enjoy his company and know way more about games, youtubers and all that than I feel is necessary.

The best advice I had was listen to the small stuff so they come to you with the big stuff because to them it was all big.

Actually thinking about that last post... it’s so tempting to move away physically when they don’t want a hug or to be held. I only rediscovered hugging my parents relatively recently...75 and 79.. but a quick touch of the arm or a hand squeeze. Well that tells them you love them and most importantly that you are there for them despite the crap that they may be feeling.

For me...16 and 18.. it’s about respect, communication, united expectations with me and my husband and a big foot in the memory camp of my own teenage years. I don’t judge my own parents but yes...aiming to do better😂

Aunty it really, really is isn't it.

My parents weren't very happy in the last 10 years of their marriage, and probably unconsciously my Mum relied on me for support too much.

So I think one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a parent who loves them but doesn't need them, if that makes sense. I never want my DDs to ever worry about me, or feel guilty that they're not with me etc.

Luckily DH and I are happily married so I don't need to rely on them like my Mum relied on me.

Side by side parenting.

In the car, walking.

If you will listen, they will talk. Offer advice gently.

Looking back I think one thing I did well was not act relentlessly middle aged around them.
And I never expected them to act middle aged.

Half the things parents moan about with teens is that they're not acting like they're fucking 50! And then they wonder why teens get fed up!

They don't need to think about 'their future' 24/7. They don't need to appreciate R4 or a sparkling sink. They don't need a sensible adult voice reigning in every hair brained idea.

I encourage them to branch out and try new things because my own Mum relied on me too much emotionally/socially when I was a teen and I resented it.

This is really key.

Our DDs are still in their very early teens and so far we haven't had any teen angst or storms.

I feign an interest in their favourite bloggers and YTs. They're always happy to pick my brains about their English homework. I often linger in their rooms when I'm putting away laundry and that's when chats spontaneously happen - and sometimes not (I'm attuned to the signs they're not feeling chatty).

DD2 loves clothes and is very happy to hit the shops with me (providing I treat her sometimes) and we always squeeze in a lunch (I let her choose where).

DD1 would rather chew her own arm off than shop, but we both really enjoy watching YA dystopian movies and reading the books, so that's something we share.

I'm always welcoming to their friends (even when I'm privately groaning at hosting yet another sleepover).

I still cuddle them every day which they graciously allow (and secretly like, I hope) and tell them I love them and that they make me very happy.

But it doesn't really upset me that they're growing older and growing away from us because I 100% think that is the natural order of things. I encourage them to branch out and try new things because my own Mum relied on me too much emotionally/socially when I was a teen and I resented it.

Littlebird. Your post was just so lovely, very though provoking. Time goes so quickly, my DS1 has just started college, DS2 is now at comp and my DD will soon be in her last year of primary. I feel the years speeding past me and I can't slow it down. Thank you for your words x

tazmum

I am sorry to make you feel sad, I just feel the loss of little children so keenly. I didn't expect to feel this so early, and just assumed there was an effortless transition.

We will adjust I am sure, and will move into the teen stage with enthusiasm. Will miss my little babies though....we will make great and loving grandparents one day I guess, if we are blessed.

100% agree with shush about not censoring what you say.

If my ds says "X was such a fucking twat today" I ask "what did he do to earn twat status?!"

He'll open up that way but if I say "language" that becomes what the argument conversation becomes about.

Be interested in their never ending monologues about uninteresting things!

Ask their opinion! I wanted to move lounge around at weekend (wanted sofa away from radiator and needed space for tree at xmas). I also needed ds help to move furniture.
A direct "help me please" would have gone down like a lead balloon! Instead I did the "I need to move stuff for x reason. I was thinking of this utterly stupid layout I know won't work layout"
Immediately ds was happy to point out how daft that was when sofa could only be moved to a specific place space wise and so he stealthily got involved because "I have to help you mum or we'll end with something totally stupid"
Of course whilst he helped he was chatting quite happily.

But my ds is autistic so managing him takes some extreme out of the box thinking and I don't have the friends coming over points to score!

Sorry to hijack OP but would you share some of the tips for making a magical childhood? I have a baby DS and already have ideas for things I wish my parents did for me but would love to hear some more.

I read a very simple one on here when DS was going through a particularly tricky stage: Always look up and smile when they come home/into the room. Can sometimes be very difficult to do (through gritted teeth!) but has served us well and kept the lines of communicaton open.

Pamper sessions at home and doing her hair (if able) i.e curling, deep conditioning etc.

Littlebird. I have tears rolling down my cheeks, reading your post. My DD is nine and already we're leaving the little girl behind. Heartbreaking.

I find it relatively easy to (mostly) be a lovely parent because my teenagers are (mostly) lovely. 18 and 17 now so half way out of the door, and will miss them very much (although ds being a weekend only visitor is nice too).

Agree with others that making time for them and trying very hard to maintain shared interests is really important. We've always eaten together in the evening and welcomed friends as much as possible. It's been harder to stay connected to ds, as he stopped reading the same books as me and dd and then stopped enjoying family watching of films and shows. We took martial arts classes together which was a lot of fun as he was more advanced than me and so got to help me, which i think was a nice reversal.

We do occasionally row about both stupid and important things, so being good at making up has been important too (dh and dd are less good at this, ds and me tend to blow up and then be fine, the other two incline to sulking).

Duke of Edinburgh's Awards Scheme.

I like my teens being teens - not that I didn't like them when they were little but I like talking to them and having actual two-way conversations and I like their independence. Not looking forward to them being adults and leaving mind you, but I like that they can think for themselves now and have their own views on things.

We're okay in that we still have shared interests and that gives us a point to meet at. We'll go to the cinema as a family (Marvel films ftw), we're all gamers so that works plus we then have things like comic-con to go to, and I think having a few things in common mean that they're still happy to do other kinds of trips because we get along and enjoy each others company. Dh and I (well let's be honest, me) are still the management as it were, but that doesn't mean we can't socialise and enjoy each others company.

Its very much an "us" thing, but I go out with my dc 1-on-1 when I'm using my wheelchair. Pushing Mum about is, for some reason, something that opens them up. I can't do a lot of things with/for them due to my disability but this seems to work, or we'll get a taxi to a large shopping centre with shop mobility so I get a scooter and we scooter about, chatting the whole time. Usually we manage lunch or coffee, too.

I've made a huge effort to be interested in their interests, so I have a wide ranging pool of knowledge from the most recent football transfer window and the new Star Wars Battlefront 2 game to the most desirable current eye palette and the excitement about going to see Lany in December. I'll admit to a bit of googling while they're at school just to keep up.

Ds and I watch sci-fi films together, he's quite a film buff for a 15 year old, and dd1 (17) and I watch Christmas films every evening in December when we can! Dd2 (almost 14) and I love nature programs so its currently Blue Planet 2. We'll all sit down together for Mock the Week or Live at the Apollo - earlier this year we all went to see Russell Howard live which was a great evening out.

I sometimes feel bad that I can't drive them about, or cook fantastic home-cooked meals every night, or go walking the dog with them, because I'm disabled. The flip side is I'm usually to be found in the same place in the lounge, and there have been a lot of problems solved on Mum's Sofa.

Lovely thread.

Lots of ways to continue to relate to teenagers.

My 19 yo DS loves snuggling up on the sofato watch a movie with me- he makes a pot of tea and we eat chocolate biscuits.
We run together and will often go out for a meal, just the two of us. Last year when DD was 16 we went to Greece, just the two of us, we had a great time.
We love our shopping trips and sneaky McDs breakfasts at weekends.

I love learning how to relate to my teens as adults.