How to be a lovely parent to teenager?

After a first visit by DS2’s girlfriend last night, he thanked his dad for ‘not being weird’ on the way home from dropping her off.

I asked him this morning why I hadn’t merited a TFNBW and he said, “You’re never weird; Dad usually is, but he made an effort.”

I love that he wanted to bring her to meet us all. His older brother (30) is bringing his girlfriend to meet us for the first time this weekend too!

Have also asked to be moved to classics. Not often we get a useful, positive and generally lovely thread.

thanks for this thread.
picked up ds from the station and he had an interim report on him with predicted grades.
Thanks to reading this yesterday I was much more low key than usual, let him talk, didn't criticise and was able to get out of him how he felt about them.

Was a good conversation and I feel really pleased that I managed it better than usual.

(Report the thread to HQ using the report button requesting it be moved.)

ohhelpohnoitsa we can nominate it for Classics! I think a few people have to do it, I will now.

I also really recommend socialising with friends who also have teens, as this usually guarantees that your own teens will hang out with you.

A big group of us rent a house together a few times a year, drag all the teens along, crack open the board games and go for hikes. We all cook together, there's no bed times and everyone has a good time. We're all off to Yorkshire this weekend and we can't wait

Can I save this thread somehow? Or can it be saved by mn? Such lovely advice. Great thread op.

Fantastic thread. I was dreading my DCs becoming teenagers as I lack good role models (my parents were crap). Thank you!

This is such a lovely thread. I watched a (very sad) documentary last night called Saying Goodbye and it really made me reflect on how I'm parenting my tweens and perhaps that I need to do a lot more of the stuff mentioned in this thread. Thanks everyone.

This might be controversial, but I'd say don't let them have TV/Xbox in their room. We did with my eldest, and she barely came out for the next ten yrs!
Not controversial at all (IMO!)
Even though the boys are 21 and 18 they have never had a tv in their room. I guess they don't miss what they never had and have never bothered to get one once they were older. In fact it is only in the couple of years that we got a second tv and that is in the other living room and that was so they could watch netflix and go on the x box.

This might be controversial, but I'd say don't let them have TV/Xbox in their room. We did with my eldest, and she barely came out for the next ten yrs!

I must admit I am loving their teen years far more than the baby/toddler years. I love that they are a bit sarcastic and very funny, and that they 'get' irony now. I love that they have opinions and are much more aware of how the world works, and can chat about them (and good God can they chat, is this just a girl thing?).

I do try to not sweat the small stuff as I remember how so self absorbed teens can be, and 99% mistakes and forgetfulness are not malicious. But I don't think I am a very cool Mum either, though they love to raid my wardrobe and like that I don't get shocked or embarrassed easily (have had some very frank chats about boys + sex + contraception which took me by surprise, but I think I kept my cool).

But ultimately I just really, really like them and think they're genuinely nice people and they do know that which I think has given them good self esteem.

Oh God! I don't think there is any way for a parent to keep a teenager happy! I have 3 teens. I try to always be there for them and listen when they talk about their failed relationships and heartbreak, what is happening without the group in school, exam stress, after school activity nightmares, falling out with best friends, suggesting sleepovers with friends....... Nothing I do or say will win against the constant stream of snapchats, messages and other social network crap that they have a duty to respond to. What's with snapchat 'streaks'? My teens seem to think 'streaks' are the be all and end all - even though they don't particularly like the people they are replying to. teenagers are a different breed....

To be completely honest, as teenagers they're going to be obsessed with their phones and screens. It might not seem healthy but it's the way technology and this generation is going. I always encourage family time as much as possible (days out to parks/garden centres) and I always insist we eat dinner together. My husband is sometimes late from work but we always get around the table and have food (even if he comes in halfway through!) You can't really stop teens but just show that you respect them and show you think family time is important too and hopefully it'll start rubbing off.

I needed to read this tonight to remember that she’s a good one really (16) and that speaking to me as if I’m room service as I’d not made her tea is small potatoes.

We talk - usually in the car on the way to or from somewhere. We seem to be the sleepover venue of choice but I just buy loads of pizza & Ben & Jerry’s and leave them to it. I will cook pancakes and bacon for Sunday brunch though!

She and DH do Air Cadets together which is great - I get two nights to myself and they get to bond and do stuff together.

I try not to stress the small stuff or go overboard when she does play up. (key word there is try as it can be bloody difficult at times).

And as a PP has said, we let her have he own friends. I was also (& still am) treated as my mum’s emotional crutch and social partner so there is no way in the world I am going to do that to DD - especially as it’s taken me to 48 to break free.

What’s nice now is that she says her friends prefer coming here & that she likes it too. She will be 18 far too soon for my liking but as far as I can see she is growing into a sensible and caring young lady (& I still love our snuggles in bed late at night, putting the world to rights)

Listen to them - very important . I tell my ds I love him at least once a day . If you give them your time and attention you’ll probably find they are interesting and amusing .

And I still 'baby' them sometimes - make them cocoa, chuck a blanket over them while watching TV or give them a hot water bottle/run them a bath if they are feeling under the weather or shattered. They love it in very small doses.

Things we do to keep the fun going:
go to gigs together (their choice of music, not mine, unless they coincide)
go to shows together (usually comedies)
go to the cinema together
have family film nights - i make home made pizza and popcorn and they choose a dvd or Netflix
go for walks with a vague goal in mind (there's a pretty walk into the next village that has a shop that sells all kinds of cool teen energy drinks. We walk through the woods and over the hill, buy trashy drinks and walk back.) Or sometimes through other woods up to a cafe for breakfast. They really open up on those walks.
Occasionally they have sleepovers - they don't want them often but when they do, I make sure there's plenty of teen food on tap and make them all a special breakfast - pancakes or bacon butties.
Show interest in what they love and listen if they want to go on about something that's bothering them. Again, not often, but I keep my ears open.
Take them on outings. They are still young and stuff still amazes them. I have a surprise trip to London doing some unusual stuff planned for their next inset day.

for those whose kids spend all their time in their room, is that where their TV/x box etc is?

ds is on the x box all the time, but it is downstairs, so we get a lot more communication in passing. If it was upstairs, I would never see him!

dd is 15 and spends most of the time in her room. I know it's part of growing up, but I do miss her sometimes and think back to when she was little and wanted to play with me or snuggle into my bed for a story. We eat dinner together, but then she's usually straight back upstairs.

I try to make sure that when she wants to tell me something (even if it's another tedious story about who has fallen out with who and why) or asks me to French plait her hair then I'll stop what I'm doing and make time for her no matter how knackered or busy I am.

One thing that we've found we can all enjoy together (me, dd and dp) now that she's older is going to see comedians that we like whenever they come to the local theatre.

So much good advice and insight on this thread. I'd concur with the advice about welcoming friends, driving (for us - often to a drive through Starbucks or out to a farm shop!) where she really opens up.

What I have learnt to do (or am still learning to do....) is not always to come at an issue in "parent" mode - and remember what its like to be "teenager". We had a clash one weekend when DD wanted to do something that I felt was too scary/dangerous - but I'd lost sight of the fact that she wanted to feel a bit more grown up (it was about collecting a pizza at 11pm in town - so hardly the most risky thing - but in my head I went straight to catastrophe scenarios) - we eventually talked it through - I saw it more from her point of view and vice versa. Then I let her do it... and the world didn't end... I don't think this comes easy to me but I am trying...

It was a big hit when we got cards against humanity for 16 yo dd last Christmas. She's amazed that her GM won hands down when we all played a game.

She loves mooching round the local shopping centre or even just the supermarket and has always found it much easier to share her feelings if we are just driving around somewhere.

(not boasting - I have lots of screeching, door slamming, eye rolling moments too!)
Yeah me too, although thankfully they are getting less!!!
( I should bloody well hope so though as they are officially adults!)

I barely see them at night and weekends.. I just presumed it was a teenage thing and accepted it. sad

It really doesn't have to be and you have the power to turn it around.

Start of doing small things eg pizza hut, pub restaurant what ever.

Here is a list of some of the things our teenage boys have done with us ( they are 21 and 18 now) Although it's only a suggestion of things to do and no doubt you will have your own interests that will give you some common ground with your kids.

Go hiking as a family once they became teenagers they would bring a friend. More recently girlfriends come to!

Mountain biking- They are more skilled than us now but never mind!

Occasional cinema.Not so much as a 1:1 or as a family but it still happens, maybe once a month.

In the last 4 years DS1 has been draggging me to the gym!

We go to gigs together sometime. The last one that all 4 of us went to together was about 8 months ago but DS1 and DP went to see The Courtenners not long ago and I went with DS2 to a gig at the Academy in Manchester 2 weeks ago.

Go to Ice hockey matches together, home and away games as well as going abroad to watch the European games.

We don't live in each others pockets and DP and I have our own social life without having pesky kids with us all the time! They have girlfriends and lots of friends but we do seem to enjoy each others company as a family.

My dd1 was telling me about her first boyfriend recently. afterwards she told me "thank you for not being weird mum". High praise indeed!

(not boasting - I have lots of screeching, door slamming, eye rolling moments too!).