How to be a lovely parent to teenager?

Dd1 is 13 so I'm still finding my way in the World of Teen but I remind myself that she's still a child. I take an interest in her world in the way you do with a toddler. I didn't particularly enjoy Cbeebies but I still put it on for her. Now I may not be particularly into Game Theory/MatPat but I still take an interest and listen to her talking about it.

Some of our best chats are when it's the two of us in the living room I'm tapping away on my laptop and she's watching YouTube on TV. I'll peer over my screen and act incredulous, she'll 'explain' it all to me in great detail.

Take time to understand them and their interests.

Don't expect a teen with an adult body to be able to rationalise things in an adult way.

Enjoy the silly stuff. I had my gruff 13yo grinning inanely at all the cute pictures and videos in the capybara thread, the other day!

weather texts etc can be a brilliant way to keep up a chat with teens.

Now my DC are at uni we have a family WhatsApp and we all post stuff there to make one another laugh. Plus photos, comments, music links you name it.

Ahh I need this thread. Have DD 12.5 and struggling with diminishing cuddles.. not wanting to talk as much.. I feel I need more time to connect with her now than when she was little because it’s not instant

"The cat also regulates the eldest on his laptop as when he thinks he’s been on long enough he’ll just sit on the keyboard."
WeatherDependent, that's amazing!

ledkr indeed.

When my DC piss me off I let them know, but I don't stretch it out.

Start again. Over and over. Don't wait for them to apologise, swallow your pride and go to them with reconciliation gesture. It feels wrong but do it anyway.
I will be doing this later after a particularly stressful morning with dd who has PMT

What a brilliant thread.

I have a teenager and a pre-teen, they still jump into bed on a weekend morning and we have a de-brief. I really try to listen to their monologues of woe, without judgment the best times for a chat is in bed, over a meal or in the car.

They don’t have TVs in their room but we have ‘converted’ the spare room into a games room for them. The door is always open as the cat likes to hang out with them! The cat also regulates the eldest on his laptop as when he thinks he’s been on long enough he’ll just sit on the keyboard

I can honestly say these years are currently my favourite, there’s a small age gap so baby and toddler years were hell as DH was always at work.

I’m loving watching them become their own people with their own little quirks. As I’ve relaxed they’ve relaxed too and we seem to be able to deal with the issues which come up better.

I always hug them and tell them I love them, send silly texts etc. Eldest always ignores them but youngest always texts stuff back. I know the eldest loves it though.

If they’re being ‘testing’ I do say that I love them to pieces but they’re allowing their behaviour to spoil how brilliant they could be. I also say that they’re unfortunately not in charge that’s me allegedly but they are in charge of their behaviour and how the deal with things. Failing that I say I’m ringing their mother

Maintaining good positive relationships is king.

If you keep trust and respect for each other rocky times will be easier to navigate and they will turn to you in stormy seas. My teens (19 and 17) value my judgement and often turn to me for advice.

Owned, I do the same.... if they need a get out clause ever, they know they can use me. There have been a few occasions when its been done, its our unwritten rule.

Theothergirl can I come and live with you . I agree, doing small things doesn't have to cost a thing, its all in thought. And you think that teens don't really care about those things, but really, they do.

Tag them in memes. Let them have friends over. Give them pocket money. Chat to them. Take them out.

Yes i didn't mind being the bad guy Ithink teenagers want/need us to say no sometimes so oh my mum says I am not allowed can be a great get out for them especially early teens when they get a bit more independent.

👍🏼😬

What a lovely thread that’s made me smile and cry while reading!
My ds is 12 so i am about to enter the teenage years...after 20 years of working with under 8’s it scares me more than I will admit
I have no intention of putting a tv in his bedroom and we have a code for if he is out and starts to feel uncomfortable in a situation where he texts me any random emoji and I then ring and say there has been something come up so I need to collect him immediately, it works well as he has me to blame!!
Thank you for some lovely ideas, I have also nominated for classics!

Give them space.

I always tell mine that they can use me as a scapegoat at any time - if they are in a social situation that they want out of, for instance. "Can't do that, my mum will kill me!" DD got suckered into sharing her locker at school and was fed up of her friend's stuff everywhere, so she blamed me and said I went mental that she was sharing because I had to pay for the rental, etc. It's an easy out for them, plus they know that I'm happy to be the "bad guy" face to face if necessary!

If you have to enforce a family rule which they find hard with their peers, acknowledge that it's hard for them and offer something else in return.

An example I was once given was that if you won't let them play computer games that are rated older than they are, tell them that you know it makes it difficult with their friends but see if there anything that you would be ok with that would help them with their social standing. In this example, when the friends came round they were allowed to raid the fridge and make themselves food, such as bacon sandwiches, which the friends thought was great.

So you were still able to enforce your rule but the friends still thought the house was a cool place to go to.

ha ha on TYFONBW shockers - my dd said that to me about her boyfriend, and then said she won't tell her dad (we're divorced) at all because he would just be too weird

Agree with everything in this thread (which is really lovely btw)

Also thinking back to when I was a teen, don't demand that they spend family time, sometimes I needed an hour or so after school/college to decompress alone in my room.

My mum let me have a bit of time to myself and I'd come downstairs in a much better mood, then we'd go to the supermarket (ten minute walk away), choose something nice for dinner and make it together.

Also yes yes to shared interests/hobbies. We used to watch star trek together and do yoga together (which could get a bit competitive as she is stronger than me but I'm more flexible!)

Murphys I really enjoy indulging them a little bit. I'll sometimes pop a hot water bottle in their beds when it's chilly, or let them choose the most lavish hot chocolate off the menu.

If they fancy a soak in the bath I'll sometimes let them use my posh bubbles, and while they're soaking I'll do a hotel-style turn-down service - close their curtains, switch on their fairy lights, lay out their PJs, turn down their beds, plump pillows etc.

For special occasions they are allowed to borrow my shoes/bags.

It always makes me so sad when you read posts on here from parents who seem to resent even sharing the same air as their DCs and begrudge every penny they have to spend

What a lovely positive thread.
I work with teens and their parents (in crisis) and they often look at me as if I'm mad when I suggest lots of the stuff you have already suggested.
So lovely to see so many parents so positive with their teens.

Love this thread, vote for classics so I can come back to it.

Have a teen ds and teen dd. The one thing that I just adore about them, is that they are best friends. We are close, I am single mum to them so I think that bond has formed as we are in things together. We help each other (although getting a cup of coffee in bed in the morning is a bit of an ask) and ask advice of each other. Recently I have been quite spoiled as they have on an off days at school during exams, and it so happens that they are never on or off at the same time, and I work from home I get to have each of them to myself every few days. Which is lovely as we can just chat about things, maybe something that ds doesn't want dd to hear (like is she ok, what should we get her for Christmas) etc. Then when they are together, I sometime overhear their conversations. They are just such good friends. I know that I am fortunate as they rarely argue. But I have never sided with either of them in an argument when they were younger, have also listened to both sides and told them they need to sort it out between them.

They are just fun, they have got me through some tough times too, but without knowing it.

Love my teens to death. My favourite stage of parenting at the moment.

One of the things I do do, that my parents never did, is to just surprize them with little things... if I go out, will buy them a chocolate and hide it under their pillow, or not tell them what's for dinner and make their favourite meal, just little things... not huge expensive things, just things where they know I have thought about them.

Oh yes, please for going into Classics. Absolutely love this thread.

I pick up both mine from school each day; it's about a 30 minute journey. The rule on the journey is no phones until we're home so we chat about the day. I'm finding that whilst sometimes it is just boring (what was for lunch, the general ailments of classmates and teachers etc etc), occasionally we get the most fantastic conversations. I can also get my phone to play through the car and so I sometimes put podcasts of things that they might like to listen to that they wouldn't normally (e.g. Desert Island Discs with James Corden / Mary Berry / David Attenborough, or a real life crime story) rather than bloody Capital radio!

(N.B. This backfired a bit after we listened to a Radio 4 programme about how Labour's use of social media has boosted the party's appeal in young voters. This introduced what ended up being the family song of the summer which was "Vote Jeremy Corbyn" being sung to the guitar riff from White Stripes' Seven Nation Army, which was a tad wearing as the holidays dragged on but it certainly showed that the programme had an impact!)