Household objects that are pricks

Modern printers are pricks.

My old one was fantastic: once the colour was set up with the laptop, it was perfect every time. The new one is just ONE step out, so every picture needs to be individually adjusted. (And no, you can't select a number of images & adjust them all at once.) WHY WHY WHY? It's the same make. WHY???

And when you do print something, the ink is out. Every. Single. Time. No matter if I've just put ink in, no matter how few sheets I've printed. The old one would print forever, and I bless its memory & mourn it every day.

At least this printer prints properly. I bought a cheapo one as well & that's nearly gone to the tip several times. It stops working at the drop of a hat; it tells you to replace ink then coyly hides the set of cartridges under the side cover so you can't get at them & nothing you do will make them show themselves; and it randomly throws 6 sheets of paper through while printing the top one.

Oh, there's no way of interacting with the print queue (and if there's a R in the month, no way of seeing the damn print queue), so when the printer is playing up you can't cancel something it's doing twice. It randomly throws a print job away or keeps it there forever: you can switch it off for a fortnight, but when you start it up again you just have to let it spew out pages of unwanted text, until it runs out of ink. Again.

headdesk headdesk headdesk

I have a Hetty Hoover, bought because I liked the whole pinkness of it. She can be in the understair cupboard for days when suddenly she will fall out, through the door and make the entire house shit themselves.
Also Babyliss curl secret. What an arsey machine. 6 beeps to hold the curl in and then one long beep when it's cooked.
It can beep off, because my hair looks like utter shit afterwards £90 wasted just like the Babylis Big Hair which makes me look like a newsreader

Fucking wine coolers think theyr'e so fucking important and hard done by. Our old one was fine (came free with the kitchen and neatly filled up a 15cm gap - why not, said the nobby salesgnome from the kitchen shop) until it conked out from the utter exhaustion of having to make some liquid slightly cooler than room temperature; it did last for two whole years before dying, bless its loyal unwavering heart.

But this new one is a whole new level of wanker. £200 and it sounds like the engine room of the titanic. You can hear it upstairs. It's louder than the boiler. It's louder than the dishwasher. Two years ago we specifically researched which fridge model would be quiet because we're all modern and open plan. And now this. I'd rather have £200, a 15cm gap, a peaceful house and drink warm wine.

Can I resurrect this thread as I love it?

Lego. Until you've stepped on it in bare feet, you won't understand.
Toot Toot cars or any toy by VTech. They're possessed. They go off randomly and only at night.
The tumble dryer sounds like a Boeing 747 taking off.
Our TV does that irritating message that the TV will switch itself off until someone presses OK, always halfway through a really decent programme.

My washing machine was a twat, flooded frequently so shorted the electrics downstairs - I gave up on it when it started playing up a couple of years ago and now either go to the launderette or use my Mums washing machine, haven't had a problem with my electrics since.

Fire Alarm is a needy git. Beeps in the early am all the time in winter. Look it up and apparently its cold! So if it gets too cold it beeps randomly waking you up while your a snug in bed to let you know that its cold and turn the heating on! Then you turn the heating on and you are too bloody warm to sleep. ARSE.

DH's kitchen scales - they are all singing all dancing battery run sociopaths made probably by Hulesch & Quenzel. The battery always runs out mid bake. And they are supposed to measure all units (kg, g, lb., oz. etc.) and they do - they flitter from ml to oz., from lb. to g to ml like butterflies in a flower bed.
Yesterday I bought a set of analogue scales and placed them right next to those monsters and will be cold shouldering them from now on.

@Gribble - is it an LG? Stands for Little Git

Also, don't get a waterfall tap if you have high water pressure unless you want to look like you've pissed the front of your trousers every time you wash your hands. Shoots straight over the edge of the basin. Great entertainment if you don't warn unwelcome guests first though

Not an appliance but....

CLINGFILM!

Because it only want to stick to itself (or me) not the thing that I am actually trying to cover. It makes me rage. I mostly use foil instead but sometimes I stupidly think cling film is a good idea.🤬

Sellotape and umbrellas really get on my tits.

I think we need more female engineers. Clearly men are doing a poor job at designing household objects, maybe because they know they won't have to use them very often?

My sewing machine is literally a prick. It delights in tangling its prick thread with the bobbin thread and ruining twenty minutes of sewing. If you're lucky you'll be able to start sewing again after the same length of time spent unwinding the resultant netting from its innards.

George Formans can be a bastard to clean but if as soon as you take your meat off it you drape a couple of damp paper towels on it and then close it then eat dinner and come back to it it's cool down and all the crap normally comes off fairly easy unless you've already removed all the non stick by trying to scrub it clean.

Anything that has predictive text on it and won't co-operate when you want to change the word

I believe all modern household stuff is designed by young whizzy knobheads who don’t actually use the stuff except for a 5 minute trial in the lab.
No I don’t want a super powered hoover with lots of brush heights and green /orange lights because that means it’s v heavy and goes off every so often because the flooring is too fluffy/ has an edge/ has fringe. I want a lightweight non noisy sucker on wheels that makes all flooring look ok (like I used to have til it died).

Can I please introduce singing and noisy toys please as I fear at times we slip into a wormhole and end up in a horror movie and am concerned my sanity may be teetering on the edge.
The vtech noisy ball, singing, boinging squeaky parts that flip in and out of the said ball, kids playing with it and I just want to pick it up and throw it out the window. Then kids go to bed, I tidynup all the toys into their boxes and they happily sleep there til the kids get up and make the place look like a fucking jumble sale play nicely again
BUT then we have the sodding vtech ball thing. It was a PRESENT! They're no longer friends and that's not just coincidence! It lurks around the corner of the sofa / under the table etc ... waiting .... calmly - it notices my husband leaving for a night shift. Quietly it waits, it's patient, then i turn on one of my films or programmes, I enjoy a bit of horror or a good psychological thriller - nothing wrong with that - just when the air is thick with tension and I'm on the edge of my seat, the bastard ball makes a shrill noise, it's literally said fuck all for hours and then it chooses to fucking pipe up, and not a 'quiet' noise, no sireee, the fucking loudest noise it possesses in its Vocabulary! Mother fucker I fear my hair may have turned white with fear and panic.

Which then moves me on to those bastard baby monitors!!!

My printer is a bastard. It has some sort of cloaking device which it sporadically uses. So I go to print from my iPad, and it says ‘no air printer found’ I’m literally in the same room as the printer shouting at the iPad ‘look bloody harder’ and waving the it at the printer.
Printer sits there all smug with it’s cloak of invisibility on thinks it’s Harry bloody Potter or something. Eventually after a lengthy rigmarole of switching them both and off and on (sometimes more than once) I dislodge the cloak and it vomits out my document like the malevolent little bastard it is then tugs the cloak back around itself muttering darkly.

I’ve taken to emailing my husband stuff at work and asking him to print it off and bring it home.

Eddie Izzard so funny . Control P Print control P Print control P Print

We replaced our trusty Breville sandwich maker which made crisp toasted sandwiches the way I like it for YEARS

The new one is a no name model and acts like it. Just wanted a cheese toastie and it spat out some of the melted cheese while giving me a soft little sandwich that's barely done in the middle. Prick

Washing machines that beep when the cycle has finished - why can’t they just beep when they unlock the door !!

fucking marshmallow smothering duvet. when im asleep face down it fucking lunges onto my back amd clings like a bastard, it works into my dream and I wake up every time, sweating, panting and terrorised, thinking of Werewolves in London.

cloths hanger orgy oh god i thought I was the only one with kinky hangers .
My washing machine sounds like R2D2 on speed when it beeps to let me know its done tying my clothes in knots
My ironing board collapses when ever it feels like it leave me stood there like a pillock with the iron in my hand and the clothes on the floor , bloody hurts when the board hits my toes too .
Steel toe cap boots to do the ironing ! ! !

Our fridge is incontinent despite having a container at the back to drain into and no blockages. It wees stealthily out of the front and leaves puddles either side. We have to accessorise it with tea towels each side on the floor to mop up the water. We have only once caught it weeing and it did a sort of sigh afterwards.

I can’t go there with the laptop - it’s too upsetting.

I wanted to mention the white bastard aka clothes airer, in my aunt’s house (she’s a masochist). She kindly lets us stay though and lives in Cornwall which likes to be wet when we’re there.

It demands a degree in engineering in order to assemble it to its exacting specifications and in doing so you live in trepidation of trapping a finger or just getting sucked in to its wiry frame completely. You’re never entirely sure you have put it up correctly and often need to get a second opinion. Once you’ve reassured each other it’s correct you have to creep away from it, as it’s very fragile and may collapse in tears at any moment.

Loading it can only be done in a moment of extreme zen with no time restraint whatsoever or small humans in the property. It’s best if they don’t know about the white bastard at all.

Clothing has to be balanced a la buckaroo with great consideration to weighting and thickness of fabric; you’re walking on egg shells with a towel, it’s just not worth the anxiety.

Then you’re waiting for things to actually get like dry. You need a pair of pants a couple of days later but they’re still wet, just a sign that you failed at distributing the clothes properly, you don’t know what you’re doing, stop taking liberties and GO HOME!

My fucking laptop. Ignorant bastard knows I'm in a hurry the gleefully tells me it needs to shit down because I was clearly asking it to work too hard. Twat!