The Mumsnet Commandments of Housekeeping

Thou shalt not purchase any sort of meat for the four days after thou hast purchased a chicken.

to all!

The Parable of Dyson's Pride. And A Fall.

A haughty engineer, much vexed by sub standard suckiness, did upon the humble hoover many rituals of bastardly hidden filters.

And lo did his wife point out that while proper suckiness was sacred, within his contraption was the influence of Satan.

"Silence woman and know thy place, which is obviously nowhere near the design of appliances used in the main by females. For I, the gloriously be-penised, need not thy "help" as I have upon this machine worked a miracle. And the women of the world will verily shout my name !"

And so it did come to pass.

For all around the world did ring out "Fucking Dyson"

...as once more the flimsy catch collapsed under the mighty weight of the hose.

whilst visiting the purveyor of fine goods stall, thy shall not park thy donkey and cart in a 'mother and infant' allocated bays. Disabled carts must display a blue badge sandstone plaque, or the proprietor, Joseph Waitrosius, will clamp kill your donkey.

The lord advisest thou to resist joining the soul-sucking mire that is the fly-lady mailing list, lest ye be bombarded with unremitting drivel on an hourly basis. It is said that she who shines her sink is in the grips of satan himself. Verily I say to thee that thou should never share bathtowels with other family members, nor employ a pedestal mat, or ye shall be smited.

The Lord commanded Moses to the Mountain, and on his Tablets of Stone he did write the words of the Lord. And the Lord commanded that all Twigs be removed from thine Home, and that Pebbly Shit be cast asunder.

And at the Marriage-Feast, the Marriage-couple declared that the Hangers of Bunting may not be fed, nor yet be given wine, and the Hangers of Bunting did cry sorely to the Sages of Mumsnet. And the Sages of Mumsnet did declare that the Lord would smite the Marriage-Couple , and they would be Plagued by lack of Bunting.

And it was so.

AND Mumsnet, yet breathing out threatenings against the disciples of the Mail, went unto the ironing basket, and desired that all bed linen be enshrouded within it's own matching pillow cases. And when it were done, it eased the ministrations of the housewife bedmaker when replacing the linens daily.

LOL

And yet the Mothers could not agree; and the Fathers were fearful that their donkeys would be poisoned by the Great Stench.

And verily, Solomon was called upon, for his Wisdom knew no bounds, and his knowledge of The Decrees of the Borough Council was great.

Lo! The matter of the shitty nappy of the newborn was settled.

Thou shalt remember that thy bog roll may only be changed by the hand of Woman. Should thy bog roll be changed by the hand of Man, then verily the sky will be rent asunder, plagues of frogs will descend and sheep will lie down with cattle.

Apparently.

Behold thy Magic Sponge, for it is a miracle.

And the Lord decreed that Oven Pride is a deadly sin.

Thou shalt remember to take thy Baggeths For Life unto the supermarkets, and not buyeth four new ones every time thou goes shopping.

For it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than to closeth the door on thy Baggeth For Life cupboard without many multitudes of bags slithering all over thy kitchen floor.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's room of futility; yea, thou willst enrage the prophetess Kirstie by washing clothes in the cooking-room.

Yea though thy husband has worked for 40 hours whilst thou has sat on thy fat arse watching Wimbledon thy shalt make him do his share of the housework for it is only thy job to take care of thine offspring.

Thou shalt receive without question the Mysterious Holiness of thy tops. Thou must not seeketh to blame moths, bleach, belts nor any other agent of Holiness. Thou must accept the Holiness as a visitation upon the fruits of Hush and Boden, and verily be grateful.

Thou shalt not clean the microwave by boiling lemons in water to steam clean the inside because doing so without the water makes it catch fire and makes the house smell of smoke for ages and ages

Apparently

@online that was fab.

Ahem. Ahem, aaaaaaaAHeeeeemmmm

Excellent Online

Thou shalt not use flannels. 'Tis unhygienic. Washing all manner of unspeakables in the dishwasher is perfectly permissible though.

Thou shalt leave thine other halfs dirty socks and pants on the bedroom floor where they left them.
Verily after 31days and nights have passed and thou cannot standeth the stench of skiddies any longer thou shalt whistle the buggers and they'll come marching in a south south west direction down the wooden hill and into thine machine which will need a disenfecting after a wash.

Remember this and weep with laughter all those oppressed by the continuous misery of awful MILs and uncaring teens and lazy DP's and have considered wandering into the wilderness of the WWW in search of solace! Picketh thou the strange titled thread and thou wilt find the true wit of thy beloved MN humorists and be truly grateful. Amen.

😂😂😂😂😂😂