What are your best Total Brain Farts?

floor cardigan that is literally the best thing I have ever read on here

GOLD. Furious windscreen wipers, lederhosen...snork.

Do you remember when some red wines came in a wicker bottle holder? I once thoughtfully inspected the base of said holder, turned it upside down and poured a delightful chianti all over the dinner table.

In a new job, instead of answering the phone with "Good morning, , Billy speaking?" I said "Good , morning speaking, Billy?" It was my boss calling in, he just murmured "impressive."

I confess I have idly picked up my phone to send a text to my dog (she's been poorly lately and I worry when she's home alone). Bloody stupid, she hasn't got a phone.

God so many, the strangest one was putting the dinner in the oven, setting timer, going back thirty mins later and staring blankly at the empty oven wondering where the dinner was. Then searching for it in fridge and cupboards whilst repeatedly checking in oven that it really wasn't there. Then having to tell my family I'd lost the dinner and couldn't find it anywhere. Before eventually opening drawer under oven and finding it there.

I recently tried to make a cup of coffee for DH by putting a teaspoon of Branston pickle in a mug and pouring boiling water over it. He didn't drink it.

I once tried to record a track from a record by standing the speaker in front of the record player instead of the microphone (1970's so trying to record onto a tape)

Text Dh to tell him he left his mobile at home
Answered the sky remote when my phone rang
Put coffee into a casserole instead of Bisto
Forgot to put jeans on and hung out washing in jumper, pants and slippers
Pulled down tights but not knickers when having a pee

Whenever I attempt to flash someone angrily in my car, I merely set my windscreen wipers going furiously. It's never raining at the time.

LOL Lobster. Yep done this. Nothing suggests my fury at another motorists stupidity than a thorough clean of my windscreen.

When the electric went out in the house I asked DP if I could still use the toilet.

KnitFast

DH was having a WhatsApp conversation with a decorator earlier today about potentially doing some work on our house. Somehow, instead of typing 'when are you free to come round and give us a quote?' he accidentally opened his image folder and sent a GIF of a semi naked man dancing in lederhosen.
The decorator did not respond

Not me, but the immortal words "Angela Hernandez" come to mind...

Did shopping the other day, got to checkout, no wallet! Freaked out thinking wallet had been stolen or fallen out of bag, and retraced steps home. No sign of it. Then I assumed the bloody pet rats had climbed into my bag and stolen it as wallet got covered in chocolate the other day (brain fart 1: don't put a solid block of chocolate in your bag on the hottest day of the year then leave it in direct sunshine for two hours).

Tore the house apart and was on the brink of cancelling all my cards when I realised I'd done some online banking the night before. My bank uses PINSentry (little machine you put your card in which generates a one-time PIN to access online account), and I keep it in an old chocolate tin along with my bank paperwork. Brain fart 2: Check the tin, and there's wallet!

with an ex we were meeting a few friends in a Chinese restaurant. They were already there ex dropped me off and pointed to the restaurant as he was going to go and buy some cigarettes

I went in sat down at the table by the window wondering where the others had got to, was disappointed they didn't have the moving table the ex said they had. Looked at the menu thought it was strange they also did Italian food still it was meant to be a really good restaurant and I preferred Italian to Chinese. Sat there for about 10 minutes wondering where everyone was and when they were going to bring the Chinese menu when I saw my ex standing at the window looking confused

The Chinese restaurant was next door - I had walked past it

When I worked at a fast food restaurant a few years ago I would regularly wake up thinking my room was the restaurant and I used to get up and start picking up anything off the floor and start apologising to "customers" for the mess on the floor. Then I would wake up fully, and tell myself to get back into bed !

Recently I've been catching trains more often and everytime I get off I go to say thank you to the "driver" I have to tell myself "don't say thank you" but it feels wrong because it's what you do when you get off public transport lol

I recently was talking to DH on the mobile phone. I put him on speaker phone and was cleverly multitasking and simultaneously using the phone to place an order for pizza delivery and in the middle of our conversation I said to DH, "Didn't you used to have a Tuesday special buy one get one free?"

Wrote DD a note for her teacher to excuse her from PE, wondered why autocorrect didn't correct the spelling of a word. I actually sat there staring at the paper before I realised what I had done.
Baby formula in coffee is an oldie but goodie. Not that good for DH though, apparently it's not nice. I was very tired though!
I bought some bedding plants for the back garden, spent ages weeding the flower bed then threw all of my new plants into the compost bin instead of the weeds.
Moved the compost bin to a place that was easier to get to, the following day I fell over the bin and broke 2 fingers

My Dad was the master at this! He would regularly try to dial out on the calculator and wonder why the phone was unresponsive. He would also try and change the channel with the house phone instead of the remote.

I have a couple of times been frantically searching for my phone...whilst being on it!

I've also tried to use my laptop like a touchscreen, trying to scroll a YouTube video. Oops.

Repeatedly use my car fob to try and lock/unlock the front door. I tried to use it to lock the door of a takeaway shop I'd just walked out of too

I'm baffled at these. You lot must not get enough sleep. Amazing.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamais_vu

Tried to turn the gas fire off with the TV remote.

Heard the cooker timer go off...and answered the door.

Spent 10 minutes searching all over the house for my phone...while talking on the phone.

Went to the fridge to get DH a beer, then came back and handed him a Happy Monkey Smoothie.

Mine is often down to spelling. I was sending a message on my phone (I think it was to a response on here here actually) and stopped after using the word 'child' and convinced I had spelled it wrong and it should have been chiled instead. I was reading a speech out loud once in practice which had the word 'was' in it and after a while convinced myself that 'was' was not a legitimate word and I had made it up.

Shouting at the laptop because it wasn't working when I was trying to drag something into the recycle bin and it wouldn't move. Why wasn't dragging a document into the recycle bin working? Because my laptop isn't touch screen, i've never owned a touch screen, and have no idea why I suddenly tried to use my screen to operate my computer!

I remember being in a post office and talking to my dad on my phone. I suddenly panicked and told dad to hang on, I'd lost my phone! It took me a good couple minutes to realise what I'd said/done

Yesterday I put a small tupperware dish full of sweetcorn in the tumble dryer and turned it on. Followed my nose after a good 40 minutes of wondering why I could smell corn every time I walked down the stairs. Despite the evidence, I have absolutely no memory of doing it.

DD is not a fan of sleep... (but neither is she old enough to put random things in the tumble dryer, so it was definitely me!)

I have to stop myself answering the phone with my old company's name.

I regularly introduce myself as "Paddy from old company" to taxi companies and personal calls.

The phone was ringing at work once and I answered my stapler...