What are your best Total Brain Farts?

Lobster blindassasin hahaha definitely done the angry windscreen wash too

Josephine raisin texting the cat yes I have done this too! Haha

I walked into M&S out of the rain. Mosied all the way around the store and went to pay. The cashier looked at me like and said "it's not raining in here love". I still have my sodding umbrella up, over my head 🙈

I tried for ages to use an Asda gift card to pay at the self-service tills the other day. The assistant was busy with others so I kept trying to swipe it but to no avail. I eventually called the assistant over. He looked at the card, looked at me and said 'madam this gift card is for Argos not Asda' 😀😀.

When ds was only a few months old myself and dh went to my family's for the whole day and came back very late in the evening to find the front door to our maisonette wide open. We were very scared that we had been burgled.

It turned out that in our tired states both of us had not only forgot to lock and also shut the front door.

We were very fortunate that everything was where it should have been and no one had taken advantage of our forgetfulness

At work, on a hospital ward. The phone rang, so I answered by saying 'Hello, X ward, student nurse speaking'
The person on the other end asked to speak to the nurse in charge, whereupon I had to explain that I was actually the ward sister who'd forgotten that she'd qualified about a million years ago...

Giving out my home telephone number to relatives (I work on a hospital ward) and wondering why they were ringing me at 9am to ask how there loved one had been.

I regularly think "oh I'll just ring my lighter" when it's gone awol. FFS 🙈

Oh God I do loads of these.
I repeatedly push up my 'glasses' when I'm actually wearing contacts.
I also go to press words in paperbacks.
I have 'zoomed out' of analogue maps!
I often say or think words so many times I become convinced they're not real or that I'm saying them wrong.
I forget simple words ALL. THE. TIME. My poor husband has an excellent guessing rate.
And I frequently walk out of a shop or whatever the wrong way but I'm not one of those who is embarrassed and goes into another shop just to turn, so I frequently just stop or spin in the middle of nowhere.
I also sometimes (not frequently) turn the wipers on when I'm trying to indicate.

And once, on a training day with colleagues of all ranks and from other departments, I was introducing myself (in front of everyone, just before we had to do an exercise) to a female sergeant who I hadn't worked closely with but admired her (nice bright fair normal) and she held out her hand and said "Hi I'm Hannah"
And I shook her hand, looked her in the eye and in my head I said She's Hannah She's Hannah
And actually said "Hi I'm Hannah. No. You're Hannah. I'm DontBuy."

I actually think this is the best thing I've read in my life

When I was pregnant I would regularly eat yoghurts and place the empty pots back in the fridge.

In work I also managed to jam the industrial sized can of coffee into the fridge door. It must have taken some force to put it in there but I had no knowledge of doing it.

Another good one was when I said to my husband "do you know, I haven't worn this t-shirt since the last time I wore it?"

I've also spent 10 minutes looking for my phone while actually talking on it! And I spent the first 2 months or so referring to DS as she and her. No idea why. When he was about 12 hours old he was crying and I said "stop crying baby girl, I can't hear what you're saying." The woman in the other bed must have thought I was mental. Oh, and once I was making stir fry and I emptied the meat from the container straight into the bin. I'm an idiot.

I have tried to make coffee by putting a nespresso pod in the mug and pouring hot water on it. Then standing there wondering what is wrong.

And I wanted to ask the cleaner to go around the ceilings to get rid of cobwebs. But I couldn't remember the word, so I called them 'spider houses'

Post DD2 haze both DH and I regularly forgot to close the car/front door. So regularly in fact you'd think we'd start remembering. Nope. Our kind elderly neighbour would spot it before either of us. We even did it outside a toddler group at the community centre. Door still open after 2 hours of play. Good job it was a nice area!

When my SatNav says sternly "where possible, make a U turn", I feel terribly guilty as if I'm being reprimanded and apologise to her.

Blocked my pin card by entering my phone password

DP has a habit of calling me (and any other female) "Babe", cue me in a fit of exhaustion calling him babe instead of "Darling" like I usually do.

I regularly forget the word for things as well, but can't think of anything right now!

I'm forever saying thank you to the cash machine when it spits out my money.
I once drained peas in a sieve, only it was the wrong way round.
I absent mindedly called a young male work colleague 'dear' when I was asking him to do something.
I frequently get into the shower with my glasses on.

Sad, innit!! 😀

I'm 40 and have worn glasses for 32 years. On the rare occasions I wear contacts, I continually forget I've got no specs on. This means I push glasses up my nose that aren't actually there, so I walk along occasionally poking myself between my eyebrows. People move away from me on the bus.

Also trying not to actually LOL at
A wee wee a woo woo

I'm making the bed wobble I'm laughing so much..
A wee wee a woo woo

I've also almost pressed and held a word for a definition in a paper book like I would on my Kindle. so glad it's not just me!

I've asked for this thread to be moved to classics - I've been crying with laughter!

A wee wee a woo woo

This will completely out me as I've been giggling about this for weeks.

I tried to say to DH "I'll just have a wee and I'll be right with you" when we were headed out to visit friends.

What actually came out of my mouth was "A wee wee, a woo woo".

I could hear myself saying it and my brain was yelling at my mouth to stop talking - but too late. 😂

I am crying with laughter here! I've often goto text my son (5) and the cat too. It's so inconvenient neither of them have phones!

My worst one I've admitted to before, but a lady asked my name just after ds was born and I couldn't remember so I replied "mummy" she looked really confused but I couldn't come up with anything better!

When ds was about 6 months old and not sleeping I took him for a walk in the Pram where he promptly fell asleep. I decided to pretend I was having a picnic so I could lie down and rest my eyes too. Except I didn't have a blanket and it was October. To all onlookers I was just a lady curled around her pram (to stop people stealing my baby) in the middle of a field. How no one called the police on me is beyond me!