What are your best Total Brain Farts?

Both in my defence with baby brain. Driven the car to the next nearest town, forgotten I had and caught bus home.
Luckily dh was home as I was about to report it stolen from my drive when he reminded me I drove in
Secondly took ds to nursery and had dd who was a newborn in one of this maxi cost car seats, he was upset so I walked him from the cloakroom to the dining room for breakfast leave dd asleep in cloakroom, left without her. Luckily saw a friend on way back to car (parked a street away) who was asking about dd...... I ran to reclaim her and begged friend not to tell dh

One morning made a cup of coffee for myself, and for some reason put washing powder instead of sugar in it. Went and sat down, took a large gulp and nearly threw up, spent a good few minutes heaving and eventually realised what I'd done. Shook my head at how daft I'd been, sat back on the sofa and took another bloody drink of the coffee, ended up throwing up and wondering how the heck I could be so stupid! Wasn't my finest hour.

Also several times left the house to take the kids to school, locked the door behind me, got as far as the car park and realised that I'd forgot the kids. Woke up once in a complete panick because I thought I was late for work, spent several minutes trying to call them to say I'd be there ASAP while shoving clothes on only to eventually realise it was still the middle of the night.

it feels like I'm walking around constantly holding a bellend". There was a rather awkward silence after that one I can tell you.

This made me laugh so much I woke my husband who was ill! I tried to read it too him but couldn't speak for laughing

I went to pick up my new glasses and have them fitted. I sat there quietly whilst she checked the fit around my ears. I was trying to build myself up to complaining that they weren't the right ones as my vision was really blurry. Luckily I remembered in time that I was wearing my contact lenses with the glasses on top! No wonder I couldn't see properly.
One Christmas Eve whilst working on counters we had our first customer and I went over to say 'hi, what can I get you' instead What came out was 'what do you want' luckily it was a regular so we had a laugh about it.
I've tried to turn the tv over with my phone. I once lost a bag of apples I had just bought and only found them after I found a bag of chips in the fridge!

Ds had an appointment with a physiotherapist. They were always in one building on the far side of town. Drove there, got out, walked up to reception to book in and remembered they'd moved to new premises about 2 years (and several appointments) earlier. Even worse my friend is one of the PT and I'd seen her at school drop off with dd and we were both heading to the same place so I had to call and explain rather than just pretending it was due to traffic.

Too many to mention -
I always touch my screen on the laptop. I know it's not touch screen, but still, i try.
Try to get in my block with my work ID instead of the fob, then wonder wtf it won't open.
Peoples names, including my own kids. Was trying to introduce one a few weeks ago to a work colleague, dd had to say her name. Luckily they are both used to me.
Interviews and that moment when they ask you your name, I sit and look at them like they are the crazy ones.
Start freaking out that I cannot find my mobile, whilst I am talking to someone on my mobile.
Find random stuff in the fridge/freezer that should be in either. Kids always go after me and check they are so used to it.
When reading an actual book I turn it to portrait mode, turn it around the other way, shake the book to try and get it to move and shout at it to bloody turn.
Again when reading an actual book, slap it because it's light seems to have stopped.
Wonder what the cashier wants money from me for. Then I realise oh yea they want paying for goods.
I have all our dobs written down. When asked how old x is, I have been known to say why you asking me, like I would know.

I could go on. My life would be screwed without reminders, calendars, the dc's and written notes.

I had to fill in a form at the bank a few weeks ago I filled in my maiden name instead, realised it was wrong but couldn't remember my married surname. I had to get my work ID card out of my bag to see my surname, I've been married for more than 20 years.
Going on a night out with a friend DH dropped me off after we had gone shopping. I jumped out of the car grabbed my handbag and a bag of the shopping and dashed into the pub only realised I had the bag of shopping tucked under the table about an hour later when I reached down for my handbag to go to the loo.

These are amazing! Here are mine to add to the mix:
About 6 months pregnant with DD, hyperemesis in full flow, I decided to try porridge for breakfast. Made porridge, grabbed the jam jar and put a large dollop on top, went through to living room and took a mouthful. Didn't taste like jam. Looked down to see green porridge. I'd put mint sauce on it instead

I once sent DH a text which was actually for the family hamster. He was faintly concerned that our pretty dim rodent would have the capability of reading let alone operating a phone.

One of my jobs involves working from home but having Skype meetings and phone calls with colleagues to discuss cases. The majority of the "wingmen" I work with are male. The other week I signed off a video call with "see you later, sexy bear", a rather embarrassing petname for DH. There was silence then, thankfully, he howled with laughter while I spluttered and tried to convince him he looks just like my husband (he doesn't!). The next staff meeting may be somewhat awkward...

Hilarious brain fart from a friend of mine was when she suggested I needed anthrax on my bruised arm. She looked very confused when I burst out laughing.
And then lent me some arnica while howling with laughter herself.

I had a job in a record store when I was student; one Saturday I was working and had had a big argument with my boyfriend the night before. I was serving a customer on autopilot while in my head rehashing the argument and mulling over how I would greet bf when I saw him later, getting a bit riled up to the point that - instead of finishing the transaction by handing the customer his bag and saying "Thank you; bye now," - I thundered "HELLO!!!" and shoved the bag at him in a very pissed off manner .

Poor bloke looked and scurried out of the shop without a backwards glance.

Had my hair done, on the phone to friend, told him about new 'do...then sent him a picture message...my friend is blind! It's not the first time I have sent him a picture message!

Same friend, multiple times have nodded or shaken head in response to questions...When asked if I was nodding my head...nodded my head again!

Also asked him the colour of things/physical description of people...we have only been friends for over a decade!

Got into the shower, realised I was still wearing my knickers, got out of the shower, took the knickers off, lifted the loo seat and threw them in the toilet.

Couldn't remember the word for 'butcher', so came up with 'sausage-monger'.

O god I had one just this morning.. Went to take the dirty washing upstairs to put in the basket which lives in the bathroom, lifted up the toilet lid and threw it in the toilet

Putting the electric kettle on the gas hob wasn't my finest moment. The smell was horrendous. And I once told my daughter she could buy headphones in New Zealand, when I meant John Lewis.
But by many miles the worst was the time I asked a friend how her Mum was doing, only a couple of days after her mother had died. And I knew fine well she'd died. I'd sent a sympathy card and everything. What was my brain thinking???

Recently I set off for the gym but realised at the end of my road is forgotten my headphones.

I went back home and while inside the house thought "oh I should pick up that missed parcel card and book a redelivery". Set off down the road again, booked redelivery, got to gym 10 minutes later.

Still no headphones.

If I'm reading small text in a paper or magazine will try enlarging it like you can on the iPhone and ipad.

Had 'a bit of a moment' earlier. I was off to catch the bus, and the stop is a short walk up a road nearly opposite mine. I walked halfway up the road, then thought "No, that goes to [other town], I need to walk to the end of my road and then up to the stop."
So I turned round, walked back past my house, and another 200 yards before realising that I had gone completely blank on where the hell the bus stop was. I walked up a road parallel to the one I'd originally been on, and round the bus stop, was indeed, opposite the end of the original road.
Of course, I bumped in to a neighbour at the bus stop, who asked me if I had walked 'the long way round' for exercise.

These are called processing errors, apparently.

I made a special spag bog for DS1 for his birthday, using casserole steak cooked until it could be shredded, rather than mince. i took extra care when I finely diced the carrot, then scraped it off the chopping board, straight into a sink full of soapy water.

So my (frequent) processing errors are now known as carrots in the sink moments.

I always produce the wrong key for my front or back door. Without fail. I carefully sort them in my head and pick the wrong one. Every time. Drives me nuts.

I remember rummaging through my freezer for wrapping paper not that long ago.

I'd had a busy day at work answering lots of calls. That evening I went to call the cat in, opened the door and yelled the company name instead of the cat's name. Not sure if the neighbours heard but my sons were very amused.

I was out in town once with my toddler and new baby DC. Was browsing mindlessly amongst the aisles when I realised I had lost the pram. Looked round in panic and realised I didn't have the toddler either.
Started to run wildly round looking for them both, dimly wondering why someone was dragging me back by the hand. Tried to shake them off, because, after all it was an emergency.
Realised it was my toddler's hand I was holding . I hadn't seen her when I looked before, presumably because she was obscured by the head of her baby sibling, sleeping peacefully in the sling on my chest

While on maternity leave (and very, very sleep deprived) I nipped to the loo after having lunch with a mum friend in a cafe. But when I finished, I couldn't for the life of me figure it how to flush. I spent about ten minutes looking around the toilet cubicle in a panic - not only could I not figure out how to flush this particular toilet, but I also could not remember how toilets flushed in general, so I did not even know what I was looking for. What is worse is that I had used the very same toilet at the beginning of the very same lunch.....how had I flushed it????? I was almost in tears.

After ten minutes of increasingly frantic searching, I finally found the flush button. It was on top of the cistern, under a roll of loo paper .

Chatting to a good friend of mine and bemoaning the fact that I neeeded some sunshine and said "oh don't you hate it when you're all white and pasty?"

And not long after

Going on holiday with said friend and she had a date lined up when we got back. I said " ooooh perfect timing, you'll have a lovely tan for your date"

My friend is from Ghana 🙈

I took the house phone to work with me instead of my mobile once