What are your best Total Brain Farts?

My mother used to look after my son when he was a toddler. She would arrive at my house around 745 am so I could get the baby ready. One morning deciding to help she picked up my freshly boiled kettle and proceeded to pour it over my worktop ironing board and work blouse we concluded that the steam was the confusion!

On meeting a client for the first time I introduced myself as their name. They looked at me very oddly as I realised I had no intelligent way of explaining myself!

I read on iBook a lot. I am frequently looking for my phone when I am holding my 'book'.

I have found my people!

I woke up the other day and had absolutely no idea where I was

Yep. I've had that. I was convinced I was in my old house from 1986 and couldn't get my bearings.

Telling my husband that we needed a new plughole stopper.
Eleven years on, and he still likes to bring it up on occasion.

And I have also found the kettle in the fridge and the milk out on the side, but that was in a 3-weeks-post-partum sleepless fog, so that's ok.
I do fequently realise I am wandering round and looking for my phone, while holding said phone.

When I worked in a hotel, I once answered the phone with a completely made up hotel name. No idea why, it just rolled off the tongue so easily- it wasn't even similar!

I woke up the other day and had absolutely no idea where I was or who was next to me. It took me a good 5 minutes to realise I was at home with DH.
In my defence we had just been on holiday. Know idea why I couldn't work out who he was though .

I used to frequently try to use my train pass to get past security at work and show my work ID to the train conductor.

I once told a friend of a friend that I lived in a completely different part of town from where I actually live. There was no reason for the lie and the place I claimed to live is no better or worse than where I really live so it wasn't a subconscious snobbishness. We have since started going to the same exercise club. I walk to and from the club and she often drives past me going in the opposite direction to where I told her I live. I may soon have to 'move house'!

I frequently remember the names for everyday objects and have to describe them/mime using them. DH and the DC are quite used to our games of 'guess the thing' eg. you can look at things on it, it has letters . Computer!

This thread is awesome.

Mine's not as funny, but I do find myself quite frequently wanting to text my 5 year old DS when I'm at work and he's at school.

Making a cup of tea by pouring boiling water into...thin air. I'd forgotten to put a mug out so was just pouring water all over the work surface (and onto my feet). Took me a goodnight few seconds to work it out. DD was 6 weeks old, is all I can say.

I sometimes answer the phone using a greeting I used when I temped for an industrial bakers or my previous hospital department* this is me.

I have the name of the company on a post it on my handset because I've said 'hello, previous employer' many many times. I've worked in my current job for 6 years. I haven't worked for previous employer for nearly 10. And when I did I very rarely answered external calls, and we had to say 'hello, Freshprincess speaking'.

But every time I pick the phone up the urge to say previous employer name is overwhelming! I can't explain it.

Getting in a cab and asking the driver to take me to "friend's name" house as I had a freeze on her address.
As it's a small town, they actually knew where I was going!

I work in a hospital department. I've done this job since January.

I sometimes answer the phone using a greeting I used when I temped for an industrial bakers or my previous hospital department.

Poking the TV screen to make it work. It's not a touch screen.
Trying to pay contactless with my bus pass.
Putting the mugs in the tumble dryer and switching it on.

I remember getting some toilet paper and the roll fell off the holder. So I held the roll in one hand, tore off some paper, wiped, then dropped the roll in the toilet!

Lobster, I too have set my wipers going in a fit of rage

And the time I walked into my bedroom carrying a newborn ds, and instead of flicking the light switch, i stopped and blew at it instead, like you would a birthday candle.

And then stood there confused for a good 30-45 seconds wondering why nothing had happened. Like I was some kind of dragon wizard who could produce light with telepathy and wind.

This thread has made me cry with laughter

And feel better about brain farting every day!

Earlier today I forgot the word for rug, so called it a floor cardigan.

Oh and talking affectionately to my black fur hat, in a Specsavers manner.

Whenever I attempt to flash someone angrily in my car, I merely set my windscreen wipers going furiously. It's never raining at the time.

I was very tired one night when dc3 was tiny and tried to turn the TV down with a baby bottle. It didn't work, obviously, so my solution was to shout at the bottle and throw it across the room. I then picked up my phone and googled "my bottle won't work". DH was sat next to me crying and holding out the remote to me.

I misread the heading as 'What are your best total TRAIN farts?'