What are your best Total Brain Farts?

Ive tried to zoom into an actual picture like I would on my phone, flicked a page in a book like I'd swipe on my kindle and answered my mobile with "hello staff nurse April".

I've also phone people and instead of saying Hi X it's April I've went Hi April it's X

At work, wanted to ask my manager if we had any security tags upstairs. But my mind blanked as I started talking and I ended up asking him if we had any of 'the plastic things that go beep beep beep if someone is stealing'

I was using scan as you shop in Tesco the other day. A brand of yoghurt was on offer at 12 for £3. I picked the 3 flavours I wanted and scanned the 3 pots 4 times each to get the offer. Got home and realised I hadn’t actually picked up the other 9, so paid £3 for 3 yoghurts.

This is actually my Dad's brain fart, but it makes me chuckle.

He was filling in a form for me to go on a school trip, aged about 12. All good, until I hand it to the teacher, who queries my age. My dad has written my big brother's date of birth. We do share the day, and month is only one different, but my brother is 14 years older than me, so the year was quite a bit out!

My DH had pulled up to a junction. I could see a fire engine coming with lights flashing but no sound. In a panic that he hadnt seen I just started shouting nee naw nee naw at the top of my voice. Couldn't for the life of me think what it was called.

I’ve just tried to flush the loo by turning the light off. So confused about why it had gone dark!

Last week I was in asda when I realised I had lost my dd, I got in such a panic I went to customer services and told them. They alerted security, several members of staff and myself running around the store frantically looking for my 3 year old. I then remembered she was at nursery. I left without shopping as I was so embarrassed. I'm 20 weeks pregnant so blamed baby brain lol

Okay, I know this is old but I needed to add mine.
When DS was 3 weeks old he slept is a swing cot next to my side of the bed. Once he woke up crying in the middle of the night so I got up, went to the fridge, took out a packed of bacon, came back to bed, plopped it on DHs head and went back to bed. No idea what happened!

I am always doing this kind of stuff! Some of the best ones....
Me and DH went to view a car, i have my licence and have been driving for years, I asked the guy what the fourth pedal was for, it was the foot rest
When I was younger I went to the doctors as I needed to wee all the time, he asked me to bring in a water sample. On the way out I asked him if just normal tap water would do my 11 year old self thought there must have been something in the water making me need to loo so often.

When I was newly pregnant with DD1, I would forget random words, my PIN at the cashpoint, etc. My mum had asked if I wanted her to buy some cloth nappies for the baby and I tried to tell her that I was going to use disposables. But the word "disposable" had evaporated from my brain as if it had never existed. I sat there going "you know, artificial nappies....no!..er..instant nappies..." I remember feeling utterly bewildered at what the bloody things were actually called.

I called the boot of the car 'the back pocket' today. Sounded rude.

Last night, I asked my husband to stroke my "limb ends".

I meant my feet.

Lambbone and my mind immediately went "...Malin, Dogger Bank"!

The other day I wanted to say how dangerous the world could be in a jokey way by listing some deadly animals you could bump into if you step outside. "There are wolves...penguins...and Philips!" Yes, the third most dangerous animal I could think of under pressure were people called Philip.

As a nurse, whenever relatives would telephone in the morning requesting information on loved ones, my brain fart reply eventually became standard of ,,, if you ring back later after the ward round, we will have a clearer idearer of then! Always ended up with a thank you nurse too!

When I was at university, back in the dark ages, to get cash out of your bank account you had to make out a cheque to "Cash" and take it to the counter.

A friend and I went in to the bank, I watched her write her cheque, then started writing my own. I got it all right - date, "Cash", sum in words, sum in figures - took it over to the counter, then in front of the cashier signed, with a flourish, my friends's name.

Crying with laughter at the baby's ear

About 1000 years ago when the dcs were tiny a new lady came to the baby group. I went to have a chat and asked the name of her daughter. It was Shannon.

So did I say anything appropriate like "what a lovely name" or "is she sleeping well" ?

No. What fell out of my mouth?

Rockall.

Pure reflex.

Poor woman must have thought I was a total tosser.

My dh and kids always bring this up to embarrass me,it happened nearly 20 years ago!

The post man knocked on the door,it was about 7am and I was very sleep deprived as had a newborn and a 15month old.

Postman smiled passed me a letter and said "Thomas Cook"

I smiled back and said "sorry Thomas Cook doesn't live here"

I have no idea how he didn't laugh at me but he replied "No dear the letter is from Thomas Cook"

I then realised what I had said,mumbled thanks and shut the door.

He must have laughed about it on his way round his route.

After a very long day at work, I was waiting at the bus stop. I could see a bus coming so I looked at the route number and thought "Ah well, it's not my one." The bus pulled up to the stop and I got on, paid the fare and sat down. The bus then drove off yet it took several stops before my brain finally kicked in and made me get off the bus.

I used to use a mac and work and PC at home. My work mac had a feature where you move the cursor to the top right of the screen to wake up and display all your open windows, so I'd just get in, sit down, and push my mouse over as I set down my purse, etc.

But then every time I sat down to my PC at home, which was on a much smaller desk, I'd do the same move and basically sit down, adjust my chair, and knock my mouse right off the desk. Every day.

Now I'm forever pushing my mobile around on the desk annoyed that my cursor won't move.

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Another one I do constantly is go to grab something off a shelf - looking right at it, watching my hand reach out and pick it up, walking away with it - only to discover, usually much later having settled down to enjoy whatever it is, that I've actually picked up the completely different item next to it.

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My best one by far, however:

DH and I went to the chemist to refill a regular prescription, gave details, the girl couldn't find the prescription. Tried my name, his name, old addresses and phone numbers, typoed spellings, and nothing. Well wtf? DH and I are both adamant with the girl - genuinely on the verge of steaming by now - to please look again, I know we're in there, as this is where we come every month and have done for years.

Nope! Neither of us had ever once so much as entered that shop before in our lives, AND it wasn't even the same chain as the one that does our prescriptions! (Never been back since, either! )

Back when I was in the sixth form, I was told off for not having done some homework. I genuinely couldn't remember what it had been or in fact any of the previous week of school.
Because I'd been on a week's work experience.

I'm very short sighted and wasn't wearing my contact lenses for this one: I stared in shock and horror at the seemingly melted cavity where baby dd's eye should have been - she'd moved her head and I was looking at her ear.

This thread is extremely good value: can't think how I missed it when it was new!

Nothing as spectacular as "floor cardigan" but I do suffer processing errors increasingly often. Usually more along the lines of "the ... thing ... in the place where the ... you know" so not as funny in retelling.

But when pfb was very small I was getting nearly no sleep (wake, feed ebm, settle baby, express next feed, get maybe an hour's sleep, repeat) and was very worried about accidental cosleeping. One night I woke and could see the baby in the bed with me, lying on his stomach. In a complete panic I tried to pull the covers off him and roll him over. It was DH. Who is 6'8" and about 18st. Definitely not our newborn, still sparko in the Moses basket on the floor on my other side.

And when said pfb was weaning and still didn't sleep for longer than ninety minutes at a time I diligently home made stock to keep his food as low-salt as possible. So I stank out the entire house boiling beef bones for hours, then carefully strained the resulting glorious hearty dark stock through a colander ... straight into the kitchen sink. And watched it drain away, thinking, "Wait. Something isn't right."