Quirky house rules prompted by bitter experience

Having grown up with brothers and then having only sons, and a now ex with a terrible aim, I do not understand why men can't sit down for a pee in house toilets. Have finally trained them now, though, to put down lid so it doesn't splash everywhere when they flush.

School bag to be off in the house, not on your back. Every day! Picking up tiny shards of glass from the stairs at 7am after school bag on back smashed jelly bean dispenser is not the one!

DH will have no access to the airing cupboard at any time.

If you find a cardboard box in the kitchen cupboard with 'recycling, do not throw away / keep' written in felt pen on all 4 sides inside and outside - don't throw it away.
If a phone charger is sellotaped to the socket, it's not OK to remove it and take it to your room
If you feel you have to go round the house closing all the doors to keep the cat out before you go out, check that the cat isn't in the room first. The door closer is responsible for any necessary cleaning.
All worktops and dining table must be sprayed with antibac spray and wiped immediately before use (cat related)
No food to be left within 12 inches of the edge of the worktop /table or on a side table for more than 5 seconds (dog related)
No food to be left out to cool, that's what the warming drawer is for. (not switched on, obviously). (cat and dog related).
If the remote control is on top of the extractor hood, that means you're not allowed to watch TV, it's not intended as a climbing challenge

Couscous suppers and glitter play are only allowed on the day before the cleaner comes. Or used to come since we haven't had one for a couple of years.

If we are all out the hamster cage has to be locked in the study - otherwise the cat sits like a vulture over her cage her all day.

You get a kiss for each bone you find in your fish.

boredbeforeievenbegin

Your house sounds amazing!!

No naked trampolining. No unicycles upstairs.

Always hide your ladyshave (shocking but hilarious story of a 10 year old boy and his eyebrows) 😂

I once went out with a chap whose mum wouldn't let him wear a top whilst eating. It was the first time I'd met his parents or been to their house, we'd just sat down to eat and as he picked up his fork his mum gave him a look and said 'come on Darren you know the rules'. He looked mortified and went 'muuuum, c'mon'. I had no idea what was going on. She glared at him again and he took his top off, ate his dinner bare chested then put it back on again once we'd eaten. We were both about 23 at the time...l.

No asking for anything until I've taken my coat off (sometimes my coat stays on for a good 30 mins).

You must sit down if kicking something down the stairs.

Oh and don't fart in front of your grandparents.. They don't think it's ladylike!

Do not steal cushions to use as mini trampolines
No food upstairs
No phones at the table
No play doh or those stupid melting figures that stick to the carpet like glue
No glitter
No eating the bloody last packet of crisps for your sisters packed lunch on a Thursday night.
No feeding the tortoise meat, she doesn't like it.
No hitting, shouting, screaming etc
No going out at 14 looking like you are going to stand under a red light
Don't wear shoes on new lounge carpet (so they both brought school shoes in and sat on sofas whilst putting them on!)
No pouring drink into your sisters dinner plate.
No uploading embarrassing pictures to each other's instagram account because you have figured out their password.

Do not write" Ball Wax 1pm " on your sisters wall calender

No waking me up by pouring water over me or shouting that I'm snoring and then laughing because you've woken me up.

Do not poke me or shout oi to get my attention and then act all huffy when I refuse to respond.

As a teenager, do not add swear words to your sister's creative writing when she is out of the room and act as if you've done her a favour. You haven't.

As a child, do not draw willies on your eldest dds drawing and try and joke with her when she is crying because you've ruined her drawing. I've since forgiven dparents for that one.

No going down stairs on tin trays.

In my childhood home, the rule was no playing cricket in the hall.

No throwing chickens.
No Simpsons.
No cheese strings.
Always keep cold-call centres chatting on the phone for as long as possible. (although if you've had more than 4 in one day, it's ok to be very rude to them).

It's taken me ages to think of some house rules. Then I realised the kids break all of them .

Do not attempt to put your trousers on while walking down the stairs.

You are allowed to go on the ride-on things outside shops EXCEPT the Barney ones, because I will not give a single penny to the ghastly corporation that is Barney.

Queen CDs do not work in Daddy's car. Neither do Meatloaf ones.

Love this thread. Has it had a classics nomination yet? I'd do it but I've forgotten how!

No fucking jelly bath.

no power ballads at the dining table

Totally outs me as still bitter about this so have been known to rant about it!

No one can walk on the garden as it will bend the blades of grass.

Cue having a big garden but not being allowed to walk on it let alone play. Totally different for the grandchildren of course!

No picking your nose in my bed (or anywhere for that matter)

No wearing school clothes on my bed (unless they are clean on)

No pouring boiling water on the dented bumper when DH's hand is up inside it trying push said dent out... In my defence he told me to do it

No throwing the wooden duck across the kitchen when having a tantrum

No eating stinky cheese before a blow job

All twigs/sticks/leaves/snails/stones picked up on a walk must be places in the designated flowerpot at the front door NOT taken into the house and force fed to the dog.

Kitchen door must be shut at all times unless you want to clear up the contents of the bin/fish socks out the dogs mouth.

Nappies go in the one bin the dog has not managed to figure out.

All days out/activities/work need to be run past me AND put into the diary. (No DH that conversation about you sodding off to Manchester for 7 days did not happen in real life)

If there is only one bar of chocolate in the cupboard then it's Mummys!