Quirky house rules prompted by bitter experience

No felt tip pens or nail varnish in the living room (cream carpets and grey sofas)

Stand on the fourth tile back from the sink when brushing teeth (to reduce mirror splattage)

Me and DH's computers are not to be touched, nor are my shoes

In keeping with House of Commons etiquette, you can't call anyone a liar, and me and DH must be referred to as Mr Speaker or Madam Deputy Speaker when asking for something extravagant

(It's also funny to call each other that at parent's nights and the like to embarrass our eldest )

No tickling before bedtime. It's the law.

Large upstairs windows must always remain closed as cat likes to think she can trot out onto the roof above the porch and then panic ensues when she starts slipping down

Cats must descend stairs ahead of humans (nearly broke my neck when one ran from behind me under my feet)

Bottom desk drawer must be left empty (as big 7kg scaredy cat gets inside the closed drawer to hide every time the window man visits or there's a siren, no matter how distant)

No taking MY iPhone charger - find your own one.

No skateboarding or football in the house.

No snowboarding down the stairs.

DC are teens so ours are: always stay in the kitchen when frying bacon (instituted after the wandering-off-to-send-a -'quick'-message-to-friend-and-forgetting-hob's-on incident); no midnight microwave popcorn making during a sleepover. Ever.Again (new microwave needed); all DIY advocado facemasks are to be cleared out of the fridge within 2 days of making (don't ask), cups in rooms are to be brought to the dishwasher before they become part of a bio-hazard experiment rather than after; no, the dog does not want to be instagrammed in any more baby clothes; desist from sending secret snap chat vids of your mum dancing in the kitchen even if your friends do comment that it's 'ironically iconic'

No taking photos of people while they sleep (DD age 3 not DH I should add)

Tennis is not an indoor sport.

No attempting to carry several duvets and a clothes airer down the stairs at the same time.

No talking while MIL is interrupting.

Sanscollier I'm wondering what the pastry case and custard were doing upstairs to begin with

Do not change my radio stations on all 5 of my radios . No one is to put coffee cups on my decks except me .

No buttering of bread before it goes in the toaster.
No practising of "ninja moves" on Nanny's plasterboard walls.
Barbeque coal is NOT to be used as facepaint substitute (see also: "Charcoal is really difficult to remove but not as difficult to remove as the belief in a rural village that your children are MASSIVE racists").
Check, check and check again, if you're looking for the Anbesol.
Washing powder is for washing clothes, not placing inside pillowcases as a (admittedly v. v. v. effective) sneezing powder.
If the prawns are grey, they ain't cooked!

There are others but I think I'll leave it for now!

Pants After Poo

Keep back door locked at all times. the dog can open it and go for a wander at 1 am and you think he had vanished blackdog/ night time not a great combo.

Oh yes ... always, always put a large bowl in the kitchen sink, when straining stock for Sunday lunch, that has been simmering for over 4 hrs .... .

No trying to slide downstairs on tea tray (pretending to be Ralph Richardson in Tarzan)

No sliding down banisters with dog or rabbit or hamster

No drying your hands on the white linen curtains when you've spilt chocolate milk [ok so dd was only 3 yrs at the time]

No trying to carry one home-made pastry case, one jug of lemon curd custard, one man's shirt for ironing and one man's pair of formal shoes for polishing, downstairs, all at the same time, in a hurry before church on Sunday.

Pants After Poo.

Nuff said I think.

No videoing of siblings without express consent. This includes arguments, wind ups, pranks and conversations with mum.

No tap dancing on the minton tiles

If you have a fresh from the farmer's market pork pie or other snack type food big enough for sharing, you must 100% clarify and then double check that the other person doesn't want any of it at all, as this is different to not right now because they are busy.

My friends who lived in the Kimberley had:

1. No leaving the toilet lid open between uses, ever - after a massive frog jumped out of the toilet bowl while their dad was weeing, landing on his willy, and

1. no leaving the birdcage on the ground, after a snake came onto the veranda and ate the bird out of his cage.

don't take your eyes off a toddler for a nano second whilst feeding them yes GD baby food everywhere is not a good look

cola - skipping with a violin

Don't cut wrapping paper on the dining table with the tablecloth STILL ON - it looks like Edward Scissor Hands has been to dinner.

iPhone sabotage

'Apparent' and 'MICE problem'
Obv