Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

The first smear I had after my conisation, I asked my GP how the scarring/healing was looking.

"Ooh, it's like you had a plastic surgeon up there."

Need to go for one and this thread is reminding me of why I am a coward.

I admit to passing out after having one after the birth of my second dd. Unfortunate, but I went to school with the doctor and he had a facial tic that made him look like he was winking at me.

Went for a mammogram recently and the nurse involved was so rough and grabby, it really hurt. I have never encountered anything like it before and felt ashamed. She made me feel stupid and said "How do you cope with a smear then" in a sarcastic tone. I have had children and operations and never experienced anything like this.

My sister is a midwife and believe me, being farted at full in the face is an occupational hazard.

syc4amore and dodo, me too! I wonder if we had them done by the same doctor I've been dining out on that comment for ages, I'd be devastated to discover they said it to all the girls...

Oh God why did I click on this thread, I am going for a smear in about an hours time!!

I am always told my cervix is tilted and high up which I apologise for my friend was told her cervix was in very good nick for someone with three children she was proud!!

Better an eyeful of my vagina than cervical cancer, I always say 😂

I always say something dickish when nervous.

I had been on a hen weekend in Amsterdam and we visited a sex shop. They sold the exact same speculums that they use for smear tests.

Why I felt the need to tell the nurse this I don't know. The room went silent. She didn't find it funny but I still carried on talking shit and asked if anyone would find a speculum sexy. She remained silent with no eye contact. I'm due another smear, I'm not going to say a word this time.

I recently had to have a breast exam done and when the doctor checked round my armpits I became ticklish and got the giggles.

did you think the contraptions for your legs to rest were for your arms

I've never had to put my legs in contraptions for a smear - only when I had a slightly different procedure at the hospital. Is this not normal?

Iheartdodo I had the same thing said to me! "you have a beautiful cervix"....riiiiight. What is the correct response to that?

Still baffles me. I doubt his bafflement lasted that long.

It is customary on these threads for someone to claim that the smear test/glitter spray urban legend happened to them or their mum/friend. Standards are slipping.

Crap, posted too soon .
The GP told me to take off my underwear and lie on my side. So I did. Except for some unknown reason i lay on my wrong side. Quite how i thought the doc would be able to squeeze between the wall and my arse to do the exam still baffles him. His face though was worth the subsequent mortification.
He retired the following month.
Thanks for these posts. I needed a good laugh today.

These are making me laugh.

I always wonder what they expect me to say when they say they can't see my cervix? Sorry, I left it in my handbag? Is there a mussel you can clench to make it appear like sticking out your tongue?

Worst one was when I embarrassed laughed because I could feel the nurses eyelashes on my thigh. She said "wouldn't have thought you were the shy type". I assume due to an intimate piercing.

God I love you all.

Not a smear but some time ago i had to have a rectal exam at the GP

I tend to sweat when I get anxious - like when nurses are shoving speculums up me!

So I always end up with half the paper sheet sweat-stuck to my bum cheeks which I need to pick off before I get dressed. I don't think I have ever styled it out convincingly

Last one I had the nurse had to go for the next size up as "Your cervix is long and slim"
To which I replied "Well at least one part of me is"

The nurse was testing the speculum by opening and shutting it and it just reminded me of a hungry hippo . I Couldn't stop laughing. Had to rebook for another day in the end.
Another time was just after valentines day and after a few wines we got a bit frisky and he shaved my pubes into a heart shape. Forgot all about it and went for my smear. The nurse asked could she have a few students in as I was a HCP and would understand how vital teaching was. I agreed and in trooped 10 medical students who stood in a semi circle round the edge of the bed. At that point I remembered the muff topiary . I was desperately clinging onto the modesty blanket trying to cover the obvious heart shape, while she was tugging away trying to lift it up. Not my finest moment in furthering the education of our future doctors

So, if your head was the other way around, did you think the contraptions for your legs to rest were for your arms?

The last one I had the doctor told me I had "a beautiful cervix". Not surprisingly I replied with "well nobody's ever said that to me before"!

I teach so I'm waiting for the day I get an ex-student doing mine!

Once my pubes got caught in the speculum.