Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

Had a smear last week. Forgot that the examination table was one of those that the nurse could raise so when I went to dismount I misjudged the distance from the floor and ended up there!

when I went for my last smear I was somewhat bemused when the nurse said, upon glancing at my lower half, "Oh, I like that, so pretty!" I managed a somewhat perplexed/bemused/awkward "umm, thanks".... to which she replied "where did your get it done?"... she was talking about my (inner) ankle tattoo....

@Goldenhoops I'm sorry I laughed too hard at this, is this where the name came from

I always wonder what they expect me to say when they say they can't see my cervix? Sorry, I left it in my handbag? Is there a mussel you can clench to make it appear like sticking out your tongue?

Yep also had this...
Nurse: I can't seem to find your cervix
Me: (in pain and somewhat snippy) Well it's DEFINITELY there!

I am proud!

GoldenHoops
I am crying with laughter and hoping my (male) line manage doesn't come over to ask what's wrong (he's a nice guy). The thread would be difficult enough to explain. Your post..... impossible.

I think you win the thread mayhew. Please reassure us it had clearly split before the wearer filled it though. That would just be eugh to the power of eugh!

Ok top mine. I am a midwife having a smear with a gp I know. She furtles around and comes out with , THE END OF A CONDOM. Cue convo re morning after pill.

friend of mine went for hormone injection in her bum. very young and gorgeous Dr told her to go behind the curtain and lean on the table. she pulled her jeans and pants round her ankles and stood by the table. bent over with her chest resting on the bed. arse in the air. Dr came in said nothing did injection then quickly left. 6 months later she goes back for another. this time he didn't leave her. demonstrated how she just had to put her hands on the bed so her torso was bent slightly forwards. 10 degrees not 90 and pulled the waist band of her leggings down an inch. did injection job done.
I saw her 3 days later and she was still mortified at the previous porn star view she had given him!

I have to ask; what is the glitter urban legend? And also, at the sex shop speculums - people use those things for fun???

I'm a practice nurse who does smears every day, and could tell you some corkers!

cunning your embarrassment is unwarranted - that's nothing compared to some I've seen

Not a smear but an internal ultrasound, been so used to whipping my pants down I had them off before she'd even told me to go behind the curtain.

Also not a smear but whole hog STI screening including a throat swab and blood tests and wee sample I managed to spill my little pot of wee down myself. First ever intimate exam, the doctor was lovely and very gentle, complimented me on my "beautiful vaginal flora." I relayed this information to my friends with pride and one replied "Oh, so it doesn't look like a dropped lasagne then? Well done."

She looked horrified. I totally forgot I had that many bruises

My lovely GP was talking me through my first smear after giving me diazepam. She mused that some people found that they relaxed if they thought about their favourite sexual fantasies, "so you could try that, but for the love of god DON'T TELL ME ABOUT THEM!"

Apparently a woman had once given her way too much detail...

I went for one after doing lots of pole fitness and aerial hoop. These were my legs at the time. I left with a card with a DV hotline number despite my protesting it was just pole fitness

Once , I forgot to take my knickers off. Gp was affronted !

The nurse who did my first one is one of my mum's friends. I was 19 and mortified as her distraction chat was asking me how the family are.

My last one hurt so much I was shouting and crying like a baby. . The nurse kept saying 'don't worry, it happens a lot' but she was definitely giving me kind of face. After she had finally finished she said 'I can see now why you're 10 years overdue a smear'.

I saw someone in the supermarket that I knew I recognised from somewhere but couldn't think where -so cheerily said hi, how are you? whilst rushing past to avoid the awkwardness of a conversation - like I was really pleased to see her but was in a hurry so couldn't stop.
Then a bit later I was pushing my trolley down an aisle and saw they were coming towards me - no escape - I thought oh no how embarrassing ...then realised just how embarrassing - it was the Dr who had done my smear and fitted my coil. (we just nodded to each other - me blushing furiously)
I often wonder if some of these HCP also cringe at what they have said.

My mum's - naked from the waist down and heavily pregnant with twins (my siblings) just before Christmas - the Dr examining her said he hoped his turkey looked as good on Christmas Day .... seeing her look puzzled he then said 'I mean as plump, well rounded ' ....which at least explained he was talking about her tummy...not her fanjo...

I had a smear after giving birth (a long while after, not right after).

Like another poster, the nurse says "Oh I'll just have to get a bigger speculum". So she leaves my fanjo to air while she hunts around. Finds bigger one...also no good.

I suggest maybe try two of the small ones together (as a joke) and she replied totally straighfaced "oh no, they won't do at all"

Just how big is my vag? I mean, should I offer it up as an alternative route on the tube?

I farted in my midwives mouth. She let out a small scream and the other midwife was laughing so hard she was crying.

They're both great friends now and they've told me of far more embarrassing things that have happened.

'a perfect circle of hair like a giant hairy polo.'

During one of my smears the nurse was doing the usual small talk but was saying how pleased it was a lovely day because she really needed to get out into her garden to trim her bushes. Something of a word association going on there...

I think the face /fanny thing is a thing - i had one letter inviting me to a smear test that said 'you may wish to wear a full skirt to preserve your dignity'

I had my 1st (routine) mammogram last year and the procedure made me very ticklish - I tried to keep the laughter in but it came out like a cry, at which the nurse asked me if i was all right. I nodded but from then on in i kept bursting into sniggers. The nurse was not amused!

Roomba

I'm howling at the image of you lying there with a spotlight from Wembley pointed at your bits