Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

alexa I was hoping no one noticed that! When I spotted it it conjured up and image of a live, open mussel and then i felt a bit queasy.

At my last one which was earlier this year I had told the nurse about my merena coil so she was aware it was there. As she was pulling out the speculum thing it must have got caught on the coil threads and half yanked it out which bloody hurt. She then tells me there's no one in my Doctors surgery anymore who can take it out/fix the situation whatever even though I got it put in there so I had to go to a family planning clinic.
Booked apt over the phone for later that day, nearest clinic is in a different town 30 min away, told them what apt was for, Got there and that nurse could do it either, despite me having said when booking what it was for.
Was in complete agony so ended up spending over half a day in hospitals/ doctors to finally get it removed!

Nonibaloni. Well I don't know that clenching a mussel would help your cervix to appear. Now a whelk maybe.......

For my first ever smear aged 16 (I know, I was 'active' rather young), I had a student observe, with an angle poise lamp illuminating my hoo-ha.

More recently, my practise nurse happens to be my boyfriend's sister. It's always weird to know that both of them have been up my fanjo. I wonder if she thought of that when she was rummaging in there...?

As for other invasive procedures.. after having gynae surgery, I had to have several in-out catheters. First nurse didn't have a clue, and I had to actually tell her she was sticking it up the wrong hole and she wasn't going to get any urine out of my vagina. A nurse. In a Gynae ward.

My cervix is apparently awkward to get to, so it's invariably a bit of a faff. Last time the nurse resorted to calling "Come on then. Out you come. Stop hiding" up my fanjo, in a nauseating voice as if she were trying to coax a kitten down from a tree. Just mortified.

"I teach so I'm waiting for the day I get an ex-student doing mine!" my community midwife in both my pregnancies was the mother of a girl who I had taught for several years, including a-level (when you teach them loads and get to know them quite well). Had seen her many times at parents evening, often discussed her daughter during midwife appointments, etc. All well and good in my first pregnancy, but in my second I ended up having two sweeps. I was glad that by the time I came back from maternity leave the girl had left for uni!

Not smear related, but I embarrass myself with my own tittishness, I have to get this out there.

Was showering just now. Got out of shower, needed toilet quite urgently (pre-drying body) so just plonked myself down, did what I had to do. Now remember I am dripping wet. The toilet seat is rapidly turning into a Slip n Slide as I sit there. Before I could finish the toilet seat got so wet and slippy that I ended up losing balance. Ended up throwing myself off it, spraying piss and general shower wetness on the floor. Got up to continue, landed awkwardly on the (still wet) toilet - sort of side ways? almost like I was doing the splits? and slid off AGAIN, this time with a bruised ego fanny.

Why.

I had part of my cervix lasered away thanks to cervical erosion. To do this, I needed to be "grounded" by having a massive plaster stuck to my thigh which had wires attached and would mean I wouldn't be electrocuted. The procedure took place, (has anyone ever smelled their own cervix burning?) and I had to have the sticky patch taken off. My gyno ripped it off, turned around and said "you said you're going on holiday in a few weeks? That's one less bit of leg you'll have to have waxed". THANKS MATE.

At my last smear I'd chatted with the nurse about how uncomfortable and stressful I found the whole experience. She was elbow deep (or so it felt) and trying to put me at ease by chatting...
'Are you doing anything nice later?" She asked
"No, I'll probably just go home and lick my wounds in private" I replied.
She stopped what she was doing and just looked at me. That knowing kind of look.... I was beetroot red.

Oh and for embryo transfer you have to have a full bladder - before my first transfer I was told to aim for medium full. I overshot this slightly and ended up cross eyed

Things were running late and I was about ready to explode - so a nurse let me go and have a wee, but gave me a cup and sternly told me I was only allowed to empty enough to fill a quarter of the cup and absolutely no more.

By the time I'd clambered into the stirrups I was just desperately trying not to pee on the Dr as he cranked the speculum open and squirted a potential human through my cervix. DH could see the ultrasound monitor and said all you could see on screen was this MASSIVE full bladder. As soon as it was done I absolutely leapt off the table and ran to the loo (after being reassured I couldn't pee the embryo out)

For my second one I remember asking my Dr if anyone had ever peed on him during embryo transfer (as he jammed the ultrasound transducer down right on my bladder). I was just hoping not to be the first one!!

Smears never really bothered me in the past but this pregnancy I've had a cervical stitch in. I nearly jumped off the bed my last examination the fecker hurt.

I was a bit when the surgeon/consultant decided to tell DH he couldn't have sex for two weeks afterwards. Silly me thinking I had some say in such matters.

Like a PP said though better a bit embarrassment then cervical cancer although I massively sympathise now with women who find them painful!

I'm also so used to being examined that I don't even bother unfolding the sheet, I just plonk it over myself in a vague nod to modesty

Except that when my consultant had to thread a catheter very carefully through my cervix and slowly infuse a syringe of medication into my uterus, it turns out that HE quite wanted a bit of privacy, so he unfolded the sheet and draped it over me, presumably so he could work in peace without my ugly mug grinning back at him!

I've had so many people rummaging around in my bits and pieces over the last 2 years of infertility treatment, and am so used to having speculums and catheters up my vag and womb biopsies taken that I automatically start to get my kit off just to save time. I went for my smear and the nurse was aghast as I started to get undressed before she'd pulled the curtain round me

I had a follow up at the colposcopy clinic and had to laugh when the consultant asked if I was OK with speculums. I was thinking, mate, if you give it here I'll do it myself if you want!!

(I was doing IVF because I wanted to have a baby - if I couldn't hack a speculum then presumably I'd be in for a rude shock if I was lucky enough to be able to get and stay pregnant and get to the point of labour!!)

HelsinkiLights,

"My previous surgery had a poster of George Clooney on the ceiling you could look at when having your smear test done!"

Awkward if Amal decided to have a one-off check done there, then.

I am lucky smears don't tend to hurt me so I am pretty relaxed about them. The GP who was doing it though seemed very stressed. He was having trouble and asked me to relax, so I said, in a friendly way, I am relaxed. He then insisted I should relax, and he was a bit annoyed, so I clenched the squeezed the speculum to the floor (years of horse riding finally came in handy!). I then told him that was me tense.

I'm finding reading this oddly comforting. I hate smears and last time was made worse as I had booked it on a day when I shouldn't have had the dc, but both were off school/ nursery unwell, so rather than cancel I thought I'd take them. They behaved brilliantly, the nurse was shocked I had brought them which put me on edge even more than I usually am. I'm pleased to hear I'm not alone in my comedy smears!

I had my first ever internal examination today and I've been mortified about it ever since and there was nothing exciting to report so this has made me feel much better

I think the consultant sensed my nerves and was trying to chat to me about my c section scar, to which I replied "isn't it neat" and he went on to tell me it was actually the worst keloid scarring he had seen and they could probably do something with it when I have the next one

I once escorted my friend to have a procedure to have some pesky abnormal cells burned away. I promised her I wouldn't look down there, and was just there to hand hold (she's quite a nervous person). We were chatting away when the doctor started, and I happened to look at the screen just at the moment her whole downstairs area was on the rather large screen. I blurted out 'wow you have a nice vagina!' Not entirely sure why. Thankfully it made her laugh, the doctor had to give her a minute. Our friendship went up a level that day.

I once clenched so hard around the speculum thingy that the nurse couldn't get it out!

My previous surgery had a poster of George Clooney on the ceiling you could look at when having your smear test done!
Why anyone would want to have sexy thoughts when having a smear is beyond me. Plus I felt like George Clooney was actually looking at my nether regions!

parted the practice nurse's fringe' I am crying with laughter.

My practice nurse is actually a friend. I was so worried the first time she had to do my smear, but after having lots of issues and lots of smears I'm OK with her.

My embarrassing thing tho was when pregnant with number two I had heavy bleeding and needed a check. In walked registrar on ward, and it was a lad from school who had always had a crush on me and I had turned down I don't know how many times. When he came in with his mining lamp and speculum etc I made awkward eye contact for him to joke 'oh so now you're willing to show me' he's lucky I like him and we became friends after :)

I was told by one experienced practice nurse that tilting my pelvis upwards can help the 'cervix seeker' find it!

My GP told me that I have a 'shy cervix' - I think she meant it was difficult to find. I often have various students invited to rummage in my fanjo for practice. I don't mind, I've been a student myself!

I farted in my midwives mouth. She let out a small scream and the other midwife was laughing so hard she was crying.

Hahah!! That made me howl!