Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

Some of these are so funny I can't stop laughing

I went to the hospital for a smear/biopsy and was sat semi-upright in a chair with stirrups and the consultant was sitting on a stool between my legs (as you do) put the speculum inside me and I immediately shot it back out and he caught it! I was totally mortified but he was really calm and he told me not to worry as it happened all the time but when I looked at the nurse she shook her head no, she was laughing so much she couldn't speak! Then the consultant got up and walked out of the room(to compose himself I think) It was all ok in the end though!

Last time I had a smear I walked in to the clinic and came face to face with a mum from school! Didn't have a clue she was a practice nurse!

My last smear she ran the speculum under the tap and tried to force it into my vag but it wasn't particularly going in well. "How old are you?" "er, 48?". "Your cervix is tilted the wrong way!!" [said in a style which intimated that it had done it on purpose JUST to make her morning more difficult than she wanted it to be]. And to boot, I'm clearly an old dry fannied woman who should be oozing natural lubrication at my smear tests in order to make her life easier!

Thank God, I've never shot the speculum out or anything - kinda wish I'd been able to do it on demand and shot it out at her head, she how she liked that!

Just remembered...

When I was pregnant with DS I had some early bleeding and had to go for a scan at the EPU. They asked if I minded a student doing it, not at all, student is a bloke, that's fine.
So he covered my modesty as it was an internal (with a big dildo probe!). He obviously didn't want to look and thought he could just shove it in but missed and ahem ended up in a hole slightly further back! Cue a quick 'wrong hole' comment from me!
Had a tricky pregnancy and everytime I was in hospital I saw him!!

The nurse at my last one was telling me that she'd seen a patient the day before who didn't want to take her jeans off to have hers!

Ungoogleable I've had that with a doctor , the guy seemed clueless. Nurses refused to catheterise me as urethra is in an awkward position making it difficult, so this doctor came bustling through saying he would do it. Assumed position and he said , 'I haven't a clue what I'm looking at, I'll just prod around and you tell me when I'm in the right bit.'

He then proceeded to anaesthetise my clitoris and catheterise my vagina.

Medical student took over whilst apologising profusely, I really should have said no as soon as he said he didn't know!

Not quite the same thing, but up there for embarrassment - my next door neighbour is a practice nurse.
She told me she had a female patient in to have her coil checked, because "it had moved, and her partner could feel it".
My neighbour's doing the necessary while the patient, lying there legs akimbo, suddenly whips out her phone and show her a photo of her partner's (l'm groping for an appropriate word here) manhood, complete with scratches on the end from the coil.....

thanks all i havent laughed so much in ages thanks again to you all for stories

I had a colposcopy a few weeks ago and as I'm lying there, legs akimbo, the nurse said "ooh look at that!" Now exclamations of surprise are not what you want to hear from a woman who spends all day with her head up women's bits. She then said "do you mind if I bring in a couple of students?" and trotted off to find them! Turns out, at 44 I have the cervix of a childless teenager and she told the students it was "quite rare and quite beautiful". Never have I been so mortified and so proud simultaneously!

When I had my last one it happened to fall on my birthday ..... my husband came with me. He sat behind the curtain. Nurse asked my name, date of birth ect.

Nurse: oh it's your birthday today.

As she gets on with it, my husband starts humming "happy birthday to you"

The nurse had to kick him out as I couldn't stop laughing.
He told me earlier in the day he was going to do it but didn't think he was serious or had the guts.... I was wrong.

What a brilliant thread cheered me up no end thanks ladies

Ah, laughter is good for the soul! Thanks, all.

When I was having a coil fitted I thought it was all over and started getting up off the bed. Nurse puts her arm out to push me back down saying 'hang on a minute we have to take the speculum out'. I'm not sure if it was worse that it may have looked like I wanted to take it with me or the truth that I couldn't even feel it was there

I had the most horrific smear test done nigh on 12 years ago. It was so traumatic
I haven't been back
I swing between the fear of what happened and the fear of dying of cervical cancer
It's seriously damaged me I think

It's when the doctor who was having a look down there slowly popped his head up not unlike a mearkat talks as if it's all ok

Doing a transvaginal ultrasound.. turned round to see the woman on all fours on the couch.. she thought it was done "doggy style"

Op.. they'll never remember your name or face but the actions. You won't have been the first and most definatley not the last!!

To reassure you all that the men are just as bad...

I once chaperoned for a rectal exam. The doctor very clearly asked him to pop up on the couch and bend his knees a little like he was going to sleep.

We pulled the curtain back to find this gentleman with his trousers and pants down, bent right over the couch with his hands pulling his bum cheeks apart

Crying with laughter at these, so funny. Good job we can all have a laugh about it.
Jeez, vintage ice cream scoop

Omg I had a polyp removed very similar to smear only they twist and remove polyp I had 2 male midwives morto doesn't begin to describe it.

Apparently my cervix curls back on itself a bit due to my contraception...this makes me imagine it looks a bit like a Venus fly trap ready to ensnare its prey.

My dear friend (many years ago) had never had one and went for her first. The GP (local rural docs was also a family friend. He calmed her nerves and said 'just pop behind the curtain and get undressed and ready'. She was a bit naive and was in a tizz, didn't really understand what he meant, so you can imagine the docs face when he pulled the curtain back and she'd stripped completely stark naked and was just lying on the bed....

I'll just leave this here.

At my first 6 week postnatal check after having dd, the doctor cracked on and I shouted out in pain. She said "think I'll try the smaller speculum instead".

I was like "there's a smaller one??!!!"
So now, at every single smear I've had since, I always say please can you use the smallest speculum. They can always go up a size if they need to.

Noni

You mean you've never had a cockle up there?