Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

Notsoyummi (sorry not adept at posting)

May have been my son! 😂 We used to discuss anything but since he qualified I get lost as he "shows off" his knowledge and all I want to know are the funny stories which he won't tell as "his ladies" dignities are worth more than my amusement 😐

Ok, hopefully there won't be many people who read this now so here it goes.

One of my most embarrassing moments in life was at a smear test. She asked me to get undressed and cover myself and to lie on the "bed". So I did. She took her time a little and maybe from nervousness but I all of a sudden felt an urge to fluff.... Yeah not a good feeling when you are lying down waiting for the nurse to come around.
I tried to squeeze so it would stay in but then she told me to relax... And that was the moment I will never forget... Although she had a face mask on and it was a silent one I know she smelled it because she was trying to be very quick and you could see her eyebrows getting closer to each other (probably in discuss)

So yeah, I wouldn't really worry about your little incident OP, I'm sure these nurses has seen it all...

Mine isn't fanny related, but it was soooooo embarrassing! I cut my finger on a broken glass while washing dishes, and four hours later, the cut still hadn't stopped bleeding, so my late DH took me to A&E. Cue a tall, very good looking black African doctor (not sure why this mattered so much, but at the time it did - I am originally from SA, so that's perhaps why), starts cleaning out the cut with a cotton swab - rubbing against the raw nerve endings - it was excruciating, so I promptly passed out and fell off the examination table. Came to a few minutes later to find myself lying in a pool of blood and wee with Dr Dreamy staring down at me. Yes, I had only gone and lost bladder control and peed all over the floor . I was mortified, and then had to walk back through A&E with soaking wet trousers reeking of pee!

Yeah. In Classics.

I'm absolutely loving this thread. Brilliant!!!

Very funny thread!

I'm an ex HCP and know my PN through work. At one test the PN asked me about going on an upcoming course during the critical part of the procedure.

My usual concern though is whether the surgery blinds are tightly closed. For some reason the business end of the examination couch faces the car park.

Thanks for the laughs.

I've reported to MNHQ as I think it should go in Classics so as not to be lost.

My lady garden resembles an overgrown meadow (not green) in the 70s style.

The gynaecologist snagged a stray hair with his finger and, rather than pretending it hadn't happened, he apologised, saying. "That was a long one!"

I still when I think about it...

I read years ago (on t'internet, so it must be true...), that a woman had a quick wash , grabbing a flannel by the sink, before leaving home for a smear test.

The doctor remarked near the start, that she'd 'really made an effort', and she thought it a bit odd, but she decided to just ignore it.

When she got home, she found lots of glitter in her knickers - it turns out she'd grabbed a flannel that her DD had used to wash her hands after an enthusiastic art session...with a great deal of glitter scattering !
I think I'd drive myself mad wondering why the doctor thought I would have done that!

Just remembered the Mner who had a bit of an awkward one...

She hopped on the bed with knickers off, dropped her knees apart and said "Sexy time" as the doctor approached her

Can't remember her name but was written in a v funny way

As others have said, a smear is already about 9 on the scale of undignified and embarassing - I don't think being the wrong way round and bum swivelling makes it any worse (and I'm sure they've always told me which way to lie, I probably look like someone who'd get that wrong!). I thought you were at least going to say you farted during the procedure .

I have had tests where they can't find my cervix, and rummage painfully (and a couple of time have had to go back because there weren't enough cells after all that). But there's a nurse at our docs now who does the whole thing in about 20 seconds, no hunting around, no pain, plenty of cells - so I think that is her superpower, and am going to make sure I get her for tests in future!

OrangeFluff

I think you and HelsinkiLights have the same nurse lol!

Hi have a fabulous male Doctor that I'm sooo relaxed with that we are usually joking about something at the time but I've had him 30 plus years and I know how lucky I am

The last one I had was incredibly painful. I'm usually good with all of it. So don't know if she was no so good at it or me post menopausal.

My 3 year old accompanied me for a smear years ago and seemed totally unfazed by it.

However on the bus he suddenly piped up, "Mummy, why did you take your knickers off for that lady?"

Last smear I was told I had a very 'neat cervix'. Like other posters I was strangely proud. I like to think of it as 'preppy'.

at least something about me is neat

I had some bad cells lazered off, during I closed my eyes and was trying not to think about what they were doing. Nurse held my hand and said "are you ok?" So I went "yeah, just imagining how much easier it'd be to have a penis"

Queue silence, not even a fake laugh, could have died. She even let go of my hand

My first ever smear when I was 21 in the mid 2000s. I lay back, looked at the ceiling, and there looking back at me was a poster of George Clooney- the nurse said it was to help women relax

At my first smear, the nurse asked me what I could tell her about my cervix. Strange to be tested, I thought, but I was a bit nervous so I just went with it.

"I think it opens up to let a baby out like a valve or something. Is it a mucus thing? Err... Oh! Something to do with orgasms?"

"Yours specifically, Miss Staker. Anything of note I should know about your cervix?"

Wtf did she expect me to know about it? . I couldn't even blag that.

Went for my 1st smear aged 17 in the middle of winter. Batty old nurse at the practice kept the metal speculums wrapped in tinfoil on top of the radiator. Nearly leapt off the bed when she shoved it in. A burnt fanny is not something I ever thought I'd experience!

First ever smear a few months after DD was born. Nurse asked me If I had a c section, which I had. I must be tight down there.

Smear test last year, the speculum snapped inside of me.

A nurse friend said she did a smear and the speculum shot of the patient like a rocket and hit the opposite wall.

Was discussing this thread with SIL, who told me to share this:

Mid-examination of piles (8 months pregnant), mortified when painter/decorator's radio in adjoining office segued loudly into Sir Mixalot:
"I like big butts and I cannot lie..."

To which the locum drily remarked:
"He'd do well in proctology, then, wouldn't he?"

Friend and GP were both laughing so hysterically that a concerned practice nurse came to check everything was ok!

Hysterical thread.

A very long difficult birth with my last child left me with a prolapse and mild urine incontinence. I finally plucked up the courage to mention this to my gynacologist while he was giving me a smear. He did something then asked me to cough hard. I instantly peed on his shoes . We live in a small town and I still see this man regularly, at the supermarket, bank, airport.

As a result he referred me to physio which consisted of her sticking a probe up my nether regions which caused my muscles to contract and relax. Small town so she knows I'm a therapist. For the entire 30 minute appointment, while she is holding the probe up my vagina, she proceeds to off-load about a very difficult personal situation she had been dealing with. Oddest therapy session I've ever done