Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

Wonderflonium

How do you manage to avoid the word lyde? It must be in my top 100! Have definitely said kylling instead of killing once or twice.

In Danish, kylling = chicken and killing = kitten. It's a rite of passage for Danish learners to ask for kitten sandwiches.

Similarly: kysse(kiss)/kusse(cunt) lyder(listen)/luder(whore) I've given up and just rephrase to avoid the situation.

I'm laughing my head off and I'm trying not to burst my stitches from surgery. Thanks you lot! You've all cheered me up as I'm stuck in bed for a while.

I don't even have the excuse of using a different language for this.

I meant to type 'count'. I missed out a rather crucial letter. I sent the email out without realising...

...to the Senior managers :)

Trying to make small talk at an Italian campsite I told the Italian family that I spoke a pecorino of Italian and then turned bright red when they fell about laughing! I meant to say un poco

Yes I get all my students to do a ridiculous long beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeach otherwise they are always telling me that they "love the beautiful bitches" which probably gives a less than professional impression when discussing your latest trip to Thailand.

I had a friend who when he first moved to Egypt was really pleased with using his Arabic in everyday conversation and spent a whole week saying "Bye bitches!" instead of "Goodbye ladies" to the women in his local shop.

I told my FIL and DH's uncle that they were mentally subnormal instead of allies. The best part was that they didn't notice the incorrect letter and thought that I was actually insulting them.

After that, I always double checked the register of new phrases I'd learned before daring to use them

So important! I just don't swear much in French, because register can be so hard to gauge. Like a French colleague who'd learnt conversational English with peers, but not much business English. He wasn't feeling well one day and announced to a meeting of senior staff "I 'ave to go 'ome, I'm so fucking seek".

I tried for a straight face, but I couldn't manage it neither could anybody else. Wrong, wrong register. But very funny.

Oh Lordy. I'm at the very beginning of learning Spanish, my cringe gland in working overtime at the future cock ups im going to make.

So so funny.

I got "pregnant" (heavy with child) and "stupid" (heavy-headed) mixed up in Gaelic.

I was then asked what I'd done that was stupid, but thought I was being asked what I'd done to become pregnant....

I did a year abroad in France when I was 19 and lived in a student accommodation with 35 19 year old blokes. As you can imagine, the kind of French I learned wasn't that of Moliere.

One day I went into the bank intending to tell them there was a problem with my bank card. Apparently the phrase I used was akin to "it's fucking fucked, this card is".

After that, I always double checked the register of new phrases I'd learned before daring to use them.

I once told a very nice respectable Spanish lawyer that I had a difficult relationship with my Cunt ( similar for word for Sister in law). I then asked him if I could I introduce him to my other cunt who was really nice

My family is bilingual French/English.
We always find it hilarious that you can buy tubs of mini-bites in English supermarkets as 'bite' means cock in French (pronounced beet).
It always provokes lots of innuendo laden jokes.

One of my colleagues used google translate to produce basic operating instructions for some machinery, from Dutch to French. Apparently Error Code 1 means that the tampon is filling.

I work as a translator and am crying laughing at this.

Oh yes, I ALWAYS ask for a cañita instead of paja for straw or I'll end up asking for a blow job for my child.

Yes, I know coño isn't as bad in Spanish, I once heard a parent call their child it
Spanish is very rude in comparison and very scatalogical. Little old ladies say coño, they even call each other it as term of endearment: "Cunt, where have you been lately, haven't seen you for ages, how are you, cunt?". Love it. That's before we get into all the sweary phrases about shitting on the virgin or the milk you were breastfed from

In Spain recently I saw some souvenirs that proudly said in English 'Live is a party' I should have bought one just for the novelty. I wonder if the ones written in German were also incorrect.

I didn't know about the difference between pollo and polla, (never knew the latter) and wonder why the word that means cock ends with "a", when usually "a" is a female ending. Doesn't really make sense, that.

I've always wondered why the nicknames for penis (la churra) and vulva (el chocho) are the wrong genders in Spanish. Very strange.

When I was learning Spanish I often confused courgetters (calabacines) with socks (calcetines) and have been known to exclaim "my feet are freezing I'm going to put some courgettes on them". Also drawers (cajones) and bollocks (cojones) is another one.
I struggled for a while with wallet (cartera) motorway (carretera) and cinema listings (cartelera).

I used to teach English and have had more than one student discussing what he has for breastfuck. Also Spanairds struggle with the long and short i vowel so I have heard students practising the future tense and say things like "this time tomorrow I'll be lying on a bitch (beach)".
:)

My DH wanted a salted butter caramel ice cream in France. He asked for caramel beurre sale (dirty butter caramel) instead of caramel beurre salé. The woman in the shop was knotting herself

My mum decided she was going to ask for a wastepaper basket in a small hotel in France, despite speaking virtually no French.

Dad, who spoke quite a lot of French, coached her to say "Je voudrais une poubelle pour ma chambre, s'il vous plait"

She said to the receptionist, with Dad sniggering in the background, "Je voudrais un sommelier pour la chambre"

"I would like a wine waiter for the bedroom"

FFS

My Mum is fluent in spanish. Recently she was in a spanish speaking country and was happily chatting to the shop assistants. She picked out some items and went to pay before realising she didn't have any money on her. She 'thought' she told the shop assistant that she was going to nip outside and grab some money of her husband. The shop assistants started laughing, turned out (god knows how) she told them she was nipping outside to get money of her 'lovers'!

I got "schwül/schwul" mixed up too. Now I just use "stickig" - muggy. No one corrects me any more.

And "irre"/"Irin" - one being crazy, the other Irish. Now I just say I come from Ireland.

Have given up thinking I'm fluent in German As I live here it's a bit of a bugger but on the other hand I have taught several of my colleagues what "A hangover the size of Dublin Bay" means. So not all bad.

And this is why when we go to Spain my children always have their ice creams in a Copa!!!!!

I told a Moroccan waiter I didn't eat meat or swimming pools. My frined laughed a little too hard