Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mumsnet classics

Relive the funniest, most unforgettable threads. For a daily dose of Mumsnet’s best bits, sign up for Mumsnet's daily newsletter.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

284 replies

Youuttercono · 26/04/2017 21:59

I haven't told anyone this in RL because I am actually mortified at myself. I am a fluent, but not native, Spanish speaker. But for some bollocky reason I said something completely fucking stupid recently.

Instead of asking for a vanilla ice cream cone I asked for a vanilla cunt. Blush What kind of idiot am I? To make matters worse, the person serving me laughed with her colleague about it (at me, not with me!) I was too mortified to laugh at myself and haven't stopped cringing.

Help me get over it by telling me some gaffes you have made, either linguist or just plain stupid.

OP posts:
Janey50 · 27/04/2017 19:43

I had a friend years ago who pronounced the word 'sheet' as 'shit'. Grin

Janey50 · 27/04/2017 19:42

My DP who's first language is Somali,frequently gets the words 'chicken' and 'kitchen' mixed up so I was Confused when he asked for some chicken roll instead of kitchen roll. He also confuses the words 'cushions' and 'curtains'.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 27/04/2017 19:40

Fairnotfair Grin

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 27/04/2017 19:39

In the early 80s we went on a day trip to Calais (we were very sophisticatedHmm)

We were all a bit worried about using our French, but my mum volunteered and asked for "2 craps" very, very loudly instead of "2 crepes". The French man serving looked rather confused, so my mum just shouted "2 craps" even louder😂
He probably didn't understand why me, the rest of the family and all the other English people in the queue, were crying with laughter.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 27/04/2017 19:31

On same German exchange age 13 i thought i was being fed dog meat (hundfleisch) ..but it was chicken (huhnfleisch).

Spudlet · 27/04/2017 19:30
  1. When talking to my lovely old Italian landlady, I said that the 'zampone' were biting at night. I meant zanzare, which are mosquitoes. Zampone are pigs' trotter sausages! No idea where that one came from Blush
  1. When drunk in a nightclub (I was a student, ok?), I ordered a Jack Daniels with giacca (a coat) instead of ghiaccio (ice). Probably a sign I should have stopped sooner Grin
FairNotFair · 27/04/2017 19:28

I meant to say that my friend was meditating.
I said he was masturbating.

To be fair, he probably was.

ammette · 27/04/2017 19:25

I am crying laughing here :):):) This thread is the funniest thing I have read in ages :):) absolutely brilliant :):) xx

DistanceCall · 27/04/2017 19:21

PS Use "cucurucho" next time. Grin

DistanceCall · 27/04/2017 19:21

"Un coño de vainilla" is rather funny, OP Grin

It's not really used to describe someone, as in English, i.e. nobody says "eres un coño". It's more an interjection, as in "fuck" - "¿Qué coño estás haciendo?", "What the fuck are you doing?" Or, er, when referring to the real thing, of course.

In Peninsular Spain everyone uses it, all the time. Even the King.

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 27/04/2017 18:25

When on german exchange i told the family that my auntie was coming every day to eat our cat, instead if to feed it.

Original poster
Youuttercono · 27/04/2017 18:18

Grin at all of these! I feel in such good company!

I love language. I am such a geek!

OP posts:
GallicosCats · 27/04/2017 17:41

honeyroar you might have amused your French hosts by telling them that in English a 'lemon' is a slang term for a rubbish car...

Klaphat · 27/04/2017 17:30

Wonderflonium

Ah, I must say det lyder som om... in about every other conversation I have! Blush

Wonderflonium · 27/04/2017 16:25

klaphat
"Prøv lige hør!" pretty much or just not talking about the sense of hearing at all.

FloofyDoof · 27/04/2017 15:34

I once rattled off an angry email to my son's head of year after a particularly unpleasant incident, and signed off Retards, Floofydoof. I don't use that word, it was a slip of the finger. Mortified and I had to talk to him on the phone an hour later.

He was an arse anyway!

Deploycharitygoats · 27/04/2017 15:27

Many native Arabic speakers struggle with the 'p' sound (doesn't exist in Arabic), so you'll get people talking about Bebsi etc.

Our building guard and I communicate in a mix of terrible Arabic (me), terrible English (him) and hand waving. Last week he told me that he was very sorry, but there was a problem with the bomb.

Pump. There was a problem with our water pump. God, my heart stopped.

Binglesplodge · 27/04/2017 15:16

What a fabulous thread.

My mum has a habit of getting flustered when trying to speak French on holiday. She's particularly fond of greeting shopkeepers with a cheery "Aujord Hui!". Bafflement ensues.

StrangeLookingParasite · 27/04/2017 14:45

Well this thread's certainly reminded me to do my pelvic floor exercises...

"it's fucking fucked, this card is".

UnderTheDesk · 27/04/2017 12:42

An older lady stallholder in a French market gave me the wrong change once and when I pointed it out she apologised and called herself a cunt.

Sorry, to disappoint, but in this context, "con" would mean "stupid". So if she said "Je suis conne" it was really much more "God, I'm thick!" than calling herself a cunt. Grin

I once told a taxi driver that I would mount him (monter) rather than show him (montrer). Luckily, he declined my offer.

HappyLabrador · 27/04/2017 12:40

Oh my goodness, I can't get past the first page...hilarious! Grin

Spin it. Make yourself sound 'ard & 'orrible..

'Give me a vanilla, cunt'. Works for Phil Mitchell.

Brilliant!

had it not been for spellcheck I'd have sent an email to a German colleague asking her to contact me if she needed any fuhrer information.

I'm literally shaking with laughter at this Grin

Dazoo · 27/04/2017 12:29

I once asked for jam without "preservativos" in a Spanish supermarket, preservativos being condoms. Agh!

I also remember being horrified at someone eating mackerel "caballa" thinking it was mare - horse being "caballo" ..

Bahhhhhumbug · 27/04/2017 11:52

I once wrote about the need for more 'publc awareness' in the fight against puppy farming in an open letter to a well known dog magazine. Thank god for proof readers is all l can say Grin

Wonderflonium · 27/04/2017 11:32

oops: Disce quod a domino nomina servus habet.

Wonderflonium · 27/04/2017 11:31

birdandsparrow Giacomo Casanova made his first well received joke about the genders of penis and vagina being reversed in Latin.

"disce quod a domina servus habet"
“It’s because the slave always bears the name of his master.”

Swipe left for the next trending thread