Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

I once asked for Durex batteries. I wanted Duracell batteries, but the condoms were fairly close to them. I was 14 and mortified.

Husband thought he would impress his Italian colleagues by ordering lunch. Apparently managed to ask for penis rather than bread! 😂

CaulkheadNorth - that's made me laugh very hard out loud on the bus. Thank you after a long tiring day at work!

FFS año and ano.

Oops año and año!

OP, you have my sympathies. But it's a mistake sooooo many of us make (think año and año). I also speak fluent Spanish, and still confuse follete (f) and folleto (brochure). As I'm a travel writer, I have on several occasions (although less so these days, with all info being digital), asked hotel receptionists, "Can you give me a f?"

@Bahhhhhumbug

W just thought of another one told me by an ex work colleague when she first went out for a meal with her rather well to do future in laws. The dishes were all in French and being unable to understand what any of the dishes were she panicked and just ordered the last one at the bottom. Unfortunately it just said 'When available' which she pronounced with an attempt at an exotic accent saying she would have the 'Von Aval-abul' please

Hahahaha

😂😂😂 at 'the spaniel's testicles'!

How does one nominate a thread for Classics? I think this one is deserving!

Marking place this is hilarious! I do have one to put here later.

DH and I were joking in a posh French restaurant I'd splashed out on for his birthday that he always got 'l'addition' (the bill) and 'l'équitation' (horse riding) mixed up at school. Lo and behold when it comes to the bill he only bloody asks for the horseriding! The well mannered waiter was most polite but puzzled till I stopped crying with laughter and pointed out to DH what he'd actually asked for. Obviously we're not going back there again!

Don't worry chelle to cum isn't venir in Spanish, it's correrse so you didn't say anything rude with your message.

I have done a presentation to a room full of Spanish senior managers where I talked about products with no additives or condoms (preservativos) instead of preservatives (conservantes)

Now I keep that in hand if I need an ice breaker in a meeting...

A colleague was giving some sales training to a room full of.... i forget the nationality but the point is that they weren't English speakers. His course was being simultaneously translated. After describing something as being "the dog's bollocks" to express its effectiveness he was surprised to be met with a room full of very perplexed faces. He only later found out that it had been literally translated as "the spaniel's testcles".... which explains the confusion.

Ooohh I just thought of one! My MIL'S first language also isn't English. She is Dutch speaking and the word for chef is "cook".

One evening DP cooked us a meal and we were enjoying and she turned to me and says in English "you're very lucky CatherineHate, every woman loves a good cock"

the poor lady mixed the word cook and cock

I was sorely tempted to make a rude joke, but resisted

I tried to order pecado instead of pescado once!

When teaching the topic of work to my Year 9 class & having learned the professions plus how to conjugate the verb trabajar I gave them the task of creating a short presentation. The number of them who couldn't be bothered to look in their textbooks or exercise books & instead used google translate to announce "mi madre no funciona" was really depressing.

when I first lived in France my colleagues sent me to the boulangerie for a paquet de merde

My mother has also done the "la guerre/la gare" thing on a bus in France. I was trying to subtly hint her that she meant la gare, while thinking, if you carry on like this, la guerre will probably break out around you...

A decade or so previously, we had a French exchange girl staying with us, and my mother decided to serve up toad in the hole, as a bit if traditional English cooking. She translated it literally, too (crapeau dans le trou, in case you're wondering.) I was desperately trying to explain, "ce sont saucissons!" because, going by her expression, clearly the poor girl feared my mother was literally serving her toad...

My mother has also done the "la guerre/la gare" thing on a bus in France. I was trying to subtly hint her that she meant la gare, while thinking, if you carry on like this, la guerre will probably break out around you...

A decade or so previously, we had a French exchange girl staying with us, and my mother decided to serve up toad in the hole, as a bit if traditional English cooking. She translated it literally, too (crapeau dans le trou, in case you're wondering.) I was desperately trying to explain, "ce sont saucissons!" because, going by her expression, clearly the poor girl feared my mother was literally serving her toad...

Auld alliance hahahahaha.

I wrote a message in Spanish to my Colombian friend thanking her for attending our wedding, she replied that everyone was so lovely so I wrote back, I'm glad they made you feel welcome. Now welcome in Spanish is bienvenido but I couldn't work out how to use it in a sentence so I took away the "bien" for some reason.... I basically replied.... I'm glad they made you come. oh and she's pretty religious too x

I worked in a bookshop and an elderly genteel lady tottered in. She stopped and asked me in her best telephone voice, ' Do you have Flowers In the Attic by Vagina Andrews?' I could see her face twitch and redden two seconds later as she realised what she had just said.

Cooking programmes make us laugh as a "foody" is a cunt in Punjabi.
My inlaws used to call my children "caca" which means baby. As a French speaker I always understood it to mean "Poo".

My French exchange partner offered me a "fuck" when we were 17. Luckily she meant a fag. She was also curious as to what Merched Women were as she kep seeing this sign around the tourist attractions we visited in Wales. Merched means women in Welsh.
I've ordered AIDS in a bar when I meant cider. SIDA instead if cidre

"La guere est finis"

This really tickled me!