Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

I've asked my mother in law for fica (pussy) instead of fico (fig). DH almost spat out his coffee but MIL bless her just laughed.

Have asked the deli guy for pecorina (doggy style) instead of Pecorino (cheese)

Italian is dangerous...

I bumped into a friend in the street in Germany and remembered that the last time i'd seen her, she'd mentioned that her brother was moving. But instead of asking her if he'd got round to moving, i innocently enquired if he'd taken his clothes off. Her face was a picture.

don't beat yourself up.

(Waves to BIWI) As I mentioned up thread, my shining achievement in my Mandarin class was to ask "How are your mother and poo-poo?"

Not mine honest but a friend of mine unforgettably asked for a "flower pot with an arse hole" on his year abroad in Italy iirc.

I'm learning Mandarin. When I first started, our Chinese teacher insisted that we chose Chinese names for ourselves. I chose 'xing li', to mean 'beautiful star' (there was a semantic reason for that, I'm not just hugely arrogant ).

However, Chinese is a tonal language, and so I proudly announced to the class that my new name was 'baggage'.

My advice:
If you're in France ordering anything with a BBQ sauce, just say BBQ in an English accent.
(barbe à cul

This may out me as I have told this a thousand times but have laughed at all of your contributions so here's mine:

When I moved to France for an Erasmus year my French was pretty poor. I was living in the 'maison internationale' with students from all over the world. The first day there, i walked into the kitchen and met a Mexican guy who was eating spaghetti. As we were chatting, the buildings French caretaker walked in. After a bit of chit chat, he asked me where I was from, I replied 'je suis anglaise' but that annoyed him, he asked for my 'origine'. I knew that the word for India was 'inde' so I said 'je suis d'Inde' as in I am a turkey. The guy smirks and turns towards the Mexican guy who is eating the hugest plate of spaghetti I have ever seen and asks him why he is eating so much and he responds obviously thinking he is saying I am hungry but instead says 'je suis femme'. Neither of us had a clue for a long time- caretaker told a bunch of others about the two imbeciles he met in flat 12 who eventually told us (I was the only Indian and he the only Mexican).

Once, when I had just bought a bagel in Montreal, the staff member asked me if I'd like her to eat it for me. Took me about 10 awkward seconds to realise she meant heat.

Once I also told me husbands work colleuge's German wife that I could speak German my husband raised his eyebrows and questioned really yes I replied took a deep breath and said my wolkswagan needs new windscreen wipers in my best German accent 😂😂😂. He went to most work do's on his own after that can't think why lol

Found out the hard way that the "Boucherie Chevalier" was not owned by Mr Chevalier when I went in and ordered beef steaks.

In our GCSE French lesson a friend asked the teacher where she woke up instead of when. Without hesitation she replied, "In bed with my husband" We all rolled about laughing while she went bright red.

If you're on here EH, I wave to you (EC)

I should have added "pollo asado" means roasted chicken and "polla" is a very coarse word for a penis.

Arabic learners beware!

The words for "butter" and "cheese" are a bit similar, (in Lebanon anyway, "zibdi" and "jibni" respectively) but if you get them a bit shuffled, you can end up saying "I want some c*ck"!

My DH first language isn't English but he speaks it pretty well, so I was really surprised one day when he suggested we chuckle something in the bin. Still makes me chuckle when I think about it.

When I was 19 I lived for a while in Cordoba when I was studying there at the university.

I went into a restaurant and asked for "polla asada" con patatas fritas instead of "pollo asado".

The waitress, who looked about the same age as me, struggled to keep a straight face.

It was only when the other waitresses started sniggering and looking at me that I realised I had said something stupid and only when I got back to my digs when someone told me what a "polla" is, that I realised why!

my ex H on being asked whether he spoke french, replied "un petit pois"

I announced at a dinner party in spain that i loved eating....cunt....how they roared, luckily i was too drunk to care much.

(conejo, rabbit, cono with an accent is cunt)

Mine is more of a guilty conscience than a faux-pas. I worked for a UK company with a base in France for a while, we had a few British staff working there, most of whom only had basic French language skills. On a night out one of the girls was flirting with a local guy in the bar, they organised a date and she asked me and a few others for tips on how to speak enough French to impress him as his English was fantastic. We might have told her that everytime someone says "Merci" you have to say "derrière" back to them (rather than "de rien"). They went on 4 dates before he kindly corrected her, by this point even the big bosses were in on the joke. She had a great sense of humour and took it really well, we wouldn't have done it otherwise..it was a brilliant place to work. Oh and they're now married with 3 bilingual children and her French is way better than mine 😂

I told my Greek mother in law (who didn't speak a word of English) that I had been watching a film farting instead of watching a film crying! I only knew later when my Greek DP got home and she told him and said it took her every ounce of self control not to laugh 😳
My Greek DP also told me the word for dog and everyday whilst staying with her I used to ask her if I could take out the dog except the word he told me meant 'shitty dog' so everyday I asked her if I could take her shitty dog out!!!!!

I worked in Colombia for several years. On a visit back to the UK, I was asked a run-of-the-mill security question about the contents of my bag at the airport when checking in. I inadvertently substituted the word coconut (coco) for cocaine (coca). Bloody big palaver that was. Errrrrr......

DH has never managed to work out why, when he asked for a cup of tea for his mother in France, they brought her a gin and tonic.

DD has just reminded he how she said liked ménage a tois in her gcse French rather than mangetout.

This is a hilarious thread.

My French is so bad that when I asked for three coffees one white two black in Monaco they asked me to reorder in English. I have no idea what shite I asked for, but clearly they understood my English better than I spoke their French.