Help me get over my vanilla cuntyness

Not me but my sister, who speaks very basic German and wanted to send a card to my German-speaking PIL. With the help of an online translation tool she composed a little note saying she hoped they'd got back home OK after their visit. What it actually said was that she hoped the back of their house was pleasant ...

A written rather than spoken cock up.
'Describe the functions of the skin' was a question in one of my nursing exams.
Maras clever clogs remembers that something beginning with S is produced and acts with sunlight to produce Vitamin D.
Leaves the missing word till 'times up' hoping for divine inspiration.
Suddenly remembers 'of course, it's semen innit'? and inserts the word that should have been Sebum.
Wonder if the examiner is still chuckling.
I managed to pass the exam but God knows how
Duh.

'Hello whores!'

I'm using that from this day forth as my all purpose email salutation.

(I too have urged Spanish friends to 'look at all the cunts in that field')

I can't say my worst gaffe as it will totally out me.

Slightly not as bad- teenager in France asking to buy spoons (to take back to the hostel and eat the enormous gateau that we had bought from the patisserie), however I don't know the word for spoons.

So I mimed using a spoon and made a lot of "mmmm... Les utensils..." noises...

The poor chap was roaring with laughter and we left completely affronted. (Apparently my mime looked incredibly similar to a blow job. I am never picked for charades.)

Phoenix - were you at the same school as me? I remember my French teacher telling us about a pupil who,said " Je suis fatigue" thinking she was saying I'm tired.

Hello Whores you're killing me

Can't compete with your utterly hilarious vanilla cuntyness, I'm afraid (thank you so much for that, it made my evening!), but I'm another casualty of German schwul/schwül, it's really easy to slip up with that.

Also, there is a French expression "on a pied", meaning you can touch the bottom in a swimming pool or whatever. When on holiday with my French penfriend and her family aged 17 I merrily jumped into the sea exclaiming "J'ai un pied!"" (I've got a foot!). Yes, quite

I once ordered a zumo de araña (naranga) and many years ago told my students i'd bought a lovely set of cojones from Ikea at the weekend (cajones, obviously). I have also made the conmigo/coño mistake more times than i've had patatas bravas

Someone in my GCSE French oral exam started off with je m'appelle champignon. It all went downhill from there (wasn't me!).

However, I have also had a delightful early-60s real gentleman bank manager student tell me at 8am on a Monday morning, while my belly was rumbling, that he had already had a lovely breastfuck in his chicken. I have been dining off that for 14 years

Disappointed.

Came on here to suggest Fetlife, now see it's about something totally different/

Don't fret; you WILL laugh about it one day but until then, thanks for making me smile.

Prior to going on a German exchange, I sent my host a birthday card. Not knowing the German for birthday, I looked it up and was very chuffed with myself... until I got a letter back explaining that I had put happy birth control!!!

I was sent to run a marketing department in our office in the Philippines a few years back. I was the senior manager. Everyone was lovely and they all spoke perfect English but I wanted to make an effort to address them in Tagalog so after some research I sent a nice (so I thought) greeting to them all via email. Only something got lost in translation clearly because instead of saying 'Hi everyone!' I apparently said 'Hello Whores!' . They were so polite they had to have a conflab to nominate which of them was going to, nervously, break the news to me. All turned out ok though, I was there for three years!

My friend sent out an email to her entire department reminding them to bring their willies to an outward bound team building event because the ground might be soft.

The replies she received were hilarious.

She was dying though.

I asked for two "schiessen" of ham . . . .

Aardbeien and aambeien do not mean the same thing in Dutch (one is strawberries the other piles)

To a newbie in Russian 'to write' and 'to piss' are only a conjugation apart.... Had a shouty Russian yell at me 'and YOU are pissing ME off' after I pathetically mangled a simple sentence

I remember at school everyone always confused chicken and rabbit in German and would end up ordering rabbit and chips in their cafe role play.

In my defence, I was utterly shattered and DS wanted the loo and food simultaneously. I went up to a snack stall and asked for a chocolate chip cookie, except, instead of saying je voudrais I said je suis.

I didn't work out why the guy was giggling madly until I was walking away. Mortified.

I mixed up conejo/conyo once and asked someone if there were many cunts in the fields around here. I was making small talk with a farmer we were trying to convince to let us neuter stray cats on his land. He didn't agree.

A friend of mine on French exchange at school cheerfully announced "I'm pregnant" to her host family at the end of a meal, rather than "I'm full"! Poor host parents must have had heart attacks!

My strictly vegetarian friend said she liked to eat ears in her German oral exam instead of fruit. They're not even super similar (ohren and obst); she's just not a linguist.

A friend of mine went to a gay club in Paris when we were quite young. After meeting a nice bloke and chatting for a while as best they could with the language barrier he said "voulez vous baise moi?" He thought he was saying "will you kiss me?" But when his new friend said "oui" I think he got more than he bargained for!

(He was surprised but pleased about about the turn of events )

caulk about the strawberries.

The German word for "puddle" is one letter different for the word for "cunt", which has led me to being terrified to use the word, to the point where I've had to say "the water on the pavement that's from rain" instead of the simple word "puddle".