Wanky things! Wanky things everywhere...

Eighty pees? Do they provide a chamberpot for that?

Question: if the menu price says "five pounds and eighty pees", can you pay using five lb of potatoes and a can of marrowfat peas?

Food one is worse - 'peak wank' as stated above, makes the cocktail one look fairly normal. Normalish.

I mean the food menu, haven't dared look at the cocktail one

That menu! It's trying to be really twee but I just imagine it read in the nasal tones of someone who would say things like "methinks" and "that will be twenty of your earth pounds".

That cocktail menu!!

There is no place for bacon or cheese in a cocktail. What stupidity.

feelit you know when they say if you put enough monkeys at typewriters they would eventually type the works of Shakespeare? This is what they produce before they get there.

Wankerymaggen.

I've just had another look... the pricing! '5 pounds 80 pees'. Honestly.

Feelit that is the worst menu I've ever seen! I gave up reading it, would be so annoyed if I went there to eat and had to sit in silence for 10 mins trying to work out what the fuck they were serving.

feelit, omg.

'Friendly tomatoes' ??
'Poachy the egg' ??
'Sammie the sea bass' ??

Fuckkk offfffff

Peak wank has been reached - close the thread! 😂

feelit that is absolutely horrendous. I wouldn't eat there because of that menu, I couldn't be arsed to read it fully.

I think that's a winner of wankiness feelitinyourbones. What the actual heck!

This thread made me think of the wankiest, try-hard menu I've ever encountered. In Glasgow of all places. It's put me off ever going back, not only is it cringeworthy it's also hard to use.

When I go out for a meal I want to spend time with my companions, not spend ages trying to navigate and interpret an utterly wanky and painfully unfunny menu.

http://www.thebutterflyandthepig.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Sample-BP-Menu-2014.pdf

While I was looking up some of the words on this thread, I found a restaurant that has diddy watering cans for cocktails and for sauces. Major wanky. Whoever he is! They also have little pots for sauces that are too narrow for dipping, but the sauce can't be poured out as the food is in a fricken basket. The very least they could do would be to use the wooden (unhygienic) boards they have. Ahhhhhh....

I bring you peak wank....

panda and sons

They have a spectrum of cocktails in their speakeasy prohibition style bar. I had to walk past it 4 times until I saw a group of people enter. Because it looks like... a barbershop.

I dunno, Alconleigh, I think it might get even worse. As many PPs have pointed out, this type of wankery is often just smoke and mirrors, disguising the fact that the actual product is pretty ordinary/cheap to produce. Post-Brexit, businesses will need to find more and more ingenious ways to distinguish themselves - putting a wanky spin on things has to be one of the cheapest ways of doing that.

Maybe we'll be scrapping over "heritage turnip roots" and artisan shippams paste?

I roll my eyes at many of the things mentioned. But we will miss it all in a few years when Brexit has kicked in, we are all scrapping over turnips and all those bar staff / cafe staff have buggered off to counties not in terminal decline. You'll give your eye teeth for a ponced up, over priced cocktail when we are all living in Nigel and Theresa's hell of brown beer and meat paste sandwiches.

Enjoy the wankery while you can.

Anything "bespoke"'or "artisan" is wanky. Also hate most Americanisms, especially saying "season" instead of "series" for tv programmes, including UK tv programmes

Did I read that right, one of those cocktails is garnished with a lump of blue cheese?

Agree about 'this one is definitely for the ladies'

That's not even achingly hipster-ish wankery, it's just wankery.

Love this thread!

For me it's menus - 50 types of gin, in old typewriter font, one decimal point for prices, and on paper that looks like it has washed up on shore. I'm sure the paper is aged intentionally and isn't just covered in spillages - after all if you're charging £8 a drink you can afford to photocopy your menu.

Im out in the capital today so I'll enjoy spotting the wankery - I live in a village where the local cafe is called the Shed and they sell 'Snax' and have a copy of the Sun on the counter that you can peruse (and argue with the owner about) while you wait on your 'roll on squerr'

That cocktail menu gives me the hee bee jeepies without even reading it: the two full stops and no full stops, and lack of capitals (I'm not usually bothered by grammar leeway normally).

Don't even get me started on the contents "this one is definitely for the ladies" would have me leaving the place!!

'Ok that's a good idea I think we should socialise it with our business partners to gauge interest'

Boak. Not heard that one before - I'm now dreading its arrival in my workplace. Or, should I say, I dread it landing ...

Page that cocktail menu is just fab....

"Swap out" instead of "swap" applied to everything from sweaters to sinks, try "replace".