Wanky things! Wanky things everywhere...

I hate these cookery programmes Rachel Khoo where food is 'fun','
'hearty',' good for sharing with friends'... No I want a huge plate of steak pie, boiled potatoes, carrots and peas just like I got at the local cattle market the other day.

I once ate an "Ethereal of cheese" . Wank.

Well, I say "ate" the instructions (yes, there were instructions) told me I had to sort of inhale it.

It was presented atop a a miniature doric column

Wank supreme

"Pops of colour" - wanky.

Pretentious menus with just numbers for prices e.g. "pan-fried virgin zebra with weetabix mash and a jus of ambrosial tears of a nun crafted with celeriac. 22." 22 what? Zlotys? Tampons? Just bloody put a pound sign next to it you pretentious twat.

And those idiots who are featured in magazines explaining how they "sourced" their coffee table or rug or whatever. As if they trekked down the Zambezi and discovered a remote tribe who then fashioned said table out of a banyan tree or something. When they actually went into an overpriced shop in Putney and brought it home in the back of their X5...

I was in Seattle not long ago and wanted a coffee, I went into the nearest coffee shop. There was no menu or drinks list in sight, but there was a sign saying that there wasn't a drinks/price list on purpose "to remove the foci from the material trap of modern society and return to a place of peace and simplicity".

Raging - if it was anything like when I worked in retail it is not so much 'lovingly selected' as 'resentfully and with a deep sense of self-hatred and failure'

Mc donalds are on to a winner with that ad.
It might stop all the nonsense.

*(loathe)

"Free range children"
No. Makes them sound like chickens/eggs!

I especially loath love the way that it's still perfectly fine to eat pie & mash at the local greasy spoon, just so long as you enjoy it in an 'ironic' way.

You couldn't possibly eat there just because it's quick, cheap and the food actually tastes pretty good.

I love the Mcdonalds coffee advert. I drink plain, black coffee with no sugar, so their coffee suits me fine. No pretentious wankery, just give me my caffeine fix at 6am!

Someone put a leaflet through my door asking if they could 'curate my collections, everything from socks to books'.

I reckon they were a de-clutterer but could have been a choosy burglar for all I know

I photod it and put it on Facebook for my family who live in the north to utterly piss themselves over at the wankstain on the face of humanity it was.

Puppachinos: the next stage in evolution of wank.

WTF is a puppachino? Please don't tell me it's foamed milk for dogs carried in handbags?

In a local 'bistro' (expensive cafe) they serve fry ups in a wanky frying pan.
Give me a fucking plate.
Someone who massively gets on my fucking nerves thought that was marvellously clever and took a photo and put it on FB.
Just deepened my contempt.

This reminds me of a long ago thread about a hostess asking her guests to remove their shoes before entering the house and choose a pair of artisanal slippers from a basket.

Saying 'period property' - what period? All houses were build in a time period!!!

Water bottles with little holders for mushed up fruit - wanky. Eat the fruit, drink the water.

The caff in the leisure centre has instant coffee on the menu. Thank you Lord.

Wherever they make coffee with all the banging noises that make it impossible to have a conversation and leave you with headache - I guarantee they can't make a decent cup of tea. I have been known to get behind the counter and sort it out myself, such is my frustration with getting a decent cup of tea out and about.

DB is a complete French duke when it comes to coffee. They don't have instant in the house. It takes forever and then DSIL can't remember which one is decaff, pours it away and starts again. Made DB an instant coffee round our house and he had to admit it was quite good.

Puppachinos: the next stage in evolution of wank.

Not sure if we have them in the UK yet. Probably.

Where is that thread from last year about coffee where people (including me) expressed mild surprise that INSTANT coffee was still the most popular

I'm still surprised by that as I know no one who drinks instant.

I think Starbucks and costa are fine compared to fucking mellow birds which I spent the 70's/80's drinking.

Everybody being 'passionate' about everything, all the time.

'Here at Hipster Frank's we are passionate about bringing you the very best coffee/protein bowls/hand-coaxed bowls of fresh air and egg albumen..."

I once even saw a job advert headed with the question, "Are you passionate about potatoes?"

No, no I'm not. And all you passionate lot would do well to calm the fuck down.

It's wanky when it's in a vessel other than a cup or mug, you have to mix all the components yourself, or endure a presentation about where the beans were grown while they are making the coffee.

It is possible to serve good coffee without any of this. The quality of the coffee at McDonalds compared to other chains or independents is irrelevant, their latest advert makes the point brilliantly.

People who are "so blessed"

• "So blessed by my amazing hubby" well yes, if by blessed you mean given chronic vag itch from the sti he gave you from fucking other women. WE ALL KNOW

Ha ha that's like that story (possibly urban myth) about someone who was in a place where they had "meat curry" on the menu and they asked what meat it was. The waiter didn't know, just that it was "meat" and no one seemed to know. It ended up with them taking the customer into the kitchen where they had a big sack labelled "meat" :o

I also live near a "tea and art bar", where they do around 20 types of tea (as far as I can make out from several tests, the only difference between them is how much tea you can taste in your cardamom water.)

So far, so amateur levels of wankery. But, BUT! They have a goldfish. A goldfish that lives in a tank made from an old TV. FIL took an amazing photo of 18mo DS1 gesturing at it, with a face that says "wtf is this wankery?!"

How's this for the opposite end of the spectrum.

Was out to lunch with a large family group recently and DMIL was paying for us all (context is important as it meant I couldn't get too narky). I'm allergic to shellfish and asked whether their fishcakes contained any. Off the ridiculously inefficient waitress goes for an inordinate amount of time and eventually comes back with the manager who tells me that she's very sorry, they can't tell me what's in them as they've thrown away the box!!

DH said my face was a picture.

You don't get much in the way of wankery round DMIL's way

splat and smear food ala masterchef. Just fucking stop it. Thats not even pretty, its just wanky and a waste as you can't actually eat it.