Wanky things! Wanky things everywhere...

Gig that's so much like my favourite Frankie Boyle joke

Englishman walks into a bar in Glasgow and says 'I'll have a lager and lime"

Barman "We don't do cocktails"

In my town we have a place which serves beer and other alcoholic beverages. It also sells food and is open from the afternoon until about midnight. Ah you might be thinking, that would be a pub, but no, apparently it's not a pub but a beer cafe, that's its actual name 'The Beer Cafe'.

I really hope this thread is a sign that this kind of wankery is on its way out. I am glad to know I am not the only one standing in the coffee queue thinking 'Ffs sake stop faffing about trying to create the Sistine Chapel ceiling in my coffee froth and just hand the bastard over now!' In the meantime if you want to get away from wankery do not under any circumstances go into central Bristol, or worse, down its Gloucester Road.

Is it only me who finds the trend of wierd serving devices wildly unhygienic?
I find myself scanning other tables when ordering food in new places and whispering, "and please don't serve any of it in something that's not been sterilised in the dishwasher"..as I spot bread in a rusty wire basket, cheese on a plank, chips in an old can and so on..
How is this shit getting past food hygiene rules???

Posh drunk student in Glasgow bar.
"Can I have a creme de menthe frappe"
Deafening silence.
Long pause.
Sigh.
Much rustling of bottles on shelf.
Another sigh.
Pushes pint glass with an inch of dubious green liquid at bottom across the bar.
Long pause.
Very slowly guides the plastic ice bucket towards the hapless customer.
Another theatrical pause and then in the most withering and mocking tone imaginable
""Frappe" it yersel" .......
I am sure Glasgow has many pockets of wankery but perhaps less than most.

We had a form of hipster wankyness in the 1980s
We called it Nouvelle Cuisine.

"two rolls on squerr wae broon hen"

Investing in clothes or accessories is only for the rich i would imagine- some handbags are worth more when they are old than new i read somewhere - although the original price is thousands. Its a niche thing, but typical that the rich can gain again!

"Investing" in a pair of shoes or handbag, like you are going to be able to sell it on and make a profit, wankiness.

Ha Derxa! I remember QMU was almost hipsterish in serving newfangled --cold vegetables salads for lunch in the early 80s. Reassuringly accompanied by a half pound of grated cheddar cheese. With chips, obvs.

Do we think there is also post-wankery? When everyone else has moved on but some horrifyingly uncivilised charmingly quaint places cling on to enduring wankerisms?

I give you the menu classics "duo of" and "trio of". For some reason these innocent words make me incandescent with rage.

Possibly because I can COUNT MY FUCKING FOOD, thanks. Particularly if you have helpfully presented it in an easy to add up "stack".

Exits to kick something.

PS I fully accept that abuse of the word awesome is also a wankery crime

My DB works out and about in Glasgow, and was standing in a queue at a greasy spoon to buy something for his breakfast, the door swung open and a "workie" shouted "two rolls on squerr wae broon hen" the woman at the counter replied…
"fuck off ya cunt, theres a queue"

Definitely not a nest of wankiness just yet

popcorn I don't live in Glasgow but would hate it to be a nest of wankiness. I remember the food at QMU Glasgow Uni in the late 1970s.
'A pie and chips, hen'

In my Loo.
Hand wash with Vitamins A, B &C. Cleansing hand wash! Well it would, wouldn't it? Cleanse I mean, it's a hand wash after all.
Then "Savon liquid pour les mains" It's a cheepo @£2.

My favourite though is so precious, I've kept the empty bottle. I believe only from Waitrose as I've never seen it since.
Heinz tomato ketchup.
"Aux Tomates."

DERXA, Don't panic, all is well, my DD who lives in Glasgow city centre assures me the hipsters all hang around the west end, even they know they'd be told to fuck off back to Byers road and the likes!

My 9 year old dd loves watching "life hacks" YouTube videos. She's shown me how to destalk strawberries using a straw and how to cut loads of grapes in one go. I don't mind what they're called. Life hacks or tips; still teaching my sprog useful stuff!

I just keep out of South West London then I never have to endure such things.

I love this thread!

'Diet water' = the ultimate hipster wank

gnushoes

I was noticing how many times I had seen the word 'curated' in the last week - at first I was impressed, now I am irritated..

Ive not heard of life hacks till this thread, then i saw it online when looking at the papers - ' things you must do in life' 30 life hacks i think it was.

Do we all need our lives micro managed these days?

The expression "Life Hacks" is pure wankeriness.

These are good old fashioned tips or hints - nothing more, nothing less!!!

I should like an honourable mention of Fashion Wankery to go to "cold-shoulder jumpers".

If it is cold enough to wear a jumper - a garment to keep your shoulders and torso warm - why oh why would you want the actual shoulder bits cut out?

*dessert not desert! Although sand probably would've had more flavour and a better texture.

I really, REALLY hate the whole craft beer thing.

There is a beer - and I am not making this up - made from BEARD YEAST.

Gross.

(However, the fact that I hate beer, wanky and regular, is probably something to do with this).

I recently went to a black tie work do.
The food was all wanky nonsense but it was the desert that wound me up the most.
It was supposed to be eaton mess with raspberry sauce. Perfectly acceptable.
Until it arrived. It was tiny.
I went to stab what I thought was an actual raspberry with my fork (room was quite dark) and it disappeared! Raspberry fucking air!!! Then there was another bit of fruit with a texture that can only be described as "pre chewed and pushed back onto the plate through the gaps in someone's teeth".
To top it all off, the raspberry sauce was three tiny drops from a fucking pipette!! Why do they do this? I want a fuckload of fucking sauce you fucking cheapskate wanky bastards!!!!!!!!!!!

It was, however, served on a plate.

I also spotted a job ad in my local free paper asking people if they wanted a 'career in logistics'. It was job in a warehouse packing web orders. Wankers.

heritage is the brand name rather than a description for NISA goods