Banged my head on a shop window.

I ended up sitting on the floor with a sprained ankle, seeing stars, blood running down my chin where I'd bitten my lip, bruised knee from where the monitor hit it, and I missed the twatting phone call.

My version.

A colleague had a problem with her computer so I opened the case to sort it out. "Ah, loose ribbon cable." I said and made sure the connection was sorted. Only, I'd cut my hand on one of the sharp edges inside the case. I stood there, idly examining the blood while my colleague fished about in her bag for a tissue.

The woman sitting at the other side of the partition, stood up, looking extremely pale and muttered something about the sight of blood before vomiting all over her desk and fainting to the floor, pulling her chair down on top of herself. Everyone rushed over to help while I figured it would be rude to ask "What about me?" Thankfully, my fainting colleague wasn't hurt but had to go home early.

I can barely breath for laughing at these posts.

My contribution.
I was trying on a pair of jeans in the changing room of a large supermarket. When I tried to remove them, I got one leg out and overbalanced. I did the hop, hop, hop dance before crashing through the curtain with one leg in and one leg out of the jeans, arse on full display wearing Bridget Jones style knickers.
All I could think to do was to crawl back into the cubicle and hiding in there until I was sure that the shocked shoppers had left the store, either to go home and regale everyone about a half dressed, half crazy woman in the store, or to seek counselling.

When I was getting married, I stepped forward to sign the register and Unbeknown to me, my garter had snapped and I left it behind in full view of the guests. My niece picked it up and handed it back to me. My face was as red as my bouquet.

We have recently moved into a new house, I came home from shopping and pulled into the driveway of the house two doors down, got out of my car, opened the boot and removed my shopping. Then I phoned my husband to tell him that the front door lock was broken, just as the lady who lives there came to the door from the inside and demanded to know why I was trying to get into her house, why was I parked on her driveway and why was I bringing her groceries.

My husband got into a fight with a glass door in the bank. The door won and my Husband came staggering back to the car with blood streaming down his face from where the door had split it open.

Was trying on a pair of shoes in a shop, decided to try the next size so walked back to the rack in my socks, just as I got to the rack, I slipped. I grabbed the rack to try and steady myself and brought the whole lot down on myself. I was half knocked out and buried under a mountain of shoes.
When the assistant and other customers managed to get the rack off me and dig me out from the shoe mountain, for some reason it seemed like an ideal time to ask if they had the shoes in a different size.

No wonder my husband calls me calamity Kate!

I have literally laughed myself into hiccups reading this thread.

I'm dyspraxic so I'm always doing stuff like this. I think I've told this one before but I once ran across the (open plan) office to answer my phone as I was waiting for a callback from the GP and didn't want to miss it. Just as I reached my desk I went over on my ankle, flailed around as I went down, banged my chin on the top of my desk and pulled my monitor on top of myself. I ended up sitting on the floor with a sprained ankle, seeing stars, blood running down my chin where I'd bitten my lip, bruised knee from where the monitor hit it, and I missed the twatting phone call.

I was the Health & Safety Officer at the time.

I might have to name change after this as it's pretty outing. Years ago I was at an evening wedding reception. The buffet had been open for a bit, most people had had something to eat so although there was still some food out, the lights had gone back down and the dancing had restarted. The friend I was with suggested we get a second helping from the buffet. As we approached the table the DJ started playing a song I love, so I started doing that wanky dance-walking across the buffet area. Next thing I knew, my high heel hit a bit of dropped pastry, I slid several feet forwards with increasing momentum and crashed into the buffet table. I managed to grab the tablecloth as I landed on my arse and pulled everything off that section onto me and the floor with a crash that could be heard over the music. (THANK GOD the remaining wedding cake was on a separate table off to the side.)

Cue me rearing up dripping salmon quiche and coleslaw off my posh frock, all 8,743,663 guests leaping over to help me up, brush me down, pick up the broken plates and bent serving spoons, start clearing up the mess etc, my friend pretending she'd never seen me before in her life...and over this general pandemonium and most embarrassing moment of my entire existence, where I was fighting back tears of shame and trying to laugh it off and generally stop people fussing over me and make me and even bigger centre of attention, the DJ said over the mic "safe to say the buffet is now closed, ladies and gents".

Worst of it was I hardly knew the bride and groom at all; I had been my friend's "+1" as she hadn't had a partner at the time. I did send a card via my friend afterwards apologising for making such a tit of myself and hoping I hadn't spoilt their evening and received a very kind "not at all" reply, but even just writing this out again, at least 20 years later, has left me hot with shame .

I was at the gym,came out of the shower with just a towel round me, I didn't have my glasses on, went to get my clothes and fell down the step from the shower area to the changing area. Fell full length and my towel fell off! There I was lying naked on the floor in a packed changing room!

Years ago (many years ago lol) my girlfriends and I hired a car on a holiday in Majorca.

I was the navigator. Ahem.

So we were heading for Palma from Alcudia and suddenly, at the end of this quiet side road, we actually, seriously, honestly ENDED UP ON THE RUNWAY of Palma Airport. No we couldn't understand it either.

OMFG, could see the headlines next day. But our girlie driver found reverse and got out of there like the road runner. It was bizarre, wouldn't happen today either. But those were the days. No security cordons. Will never forget it. Must have been a farmers lane or something.

I've never lived it down for my navigating skills.

We were more worried about a plane landing on top of the car than we were worried about having strayed off piste. Still get a laugh about it.

Getting off a bus I turned right rather too sharply and ended up walking straight into the buses wing mirror, fully twatting myself in the face. I strode off rather briskly but could still see in my peripheral vision, to my utter shame, that the driver had had to get out to straighten his mirror back again

I was on a tube once on my way home from a works do , filthy drunk . I fell asleep with my legs crossed and was woken up by a lady telling me it was the end of the line. I stood up and not realising I'd got a dead leg staggered down the aisle Norman Wisdom stylee , out the door and fell between the platform and the train .

I wouldn't have minded but I didn't travel by tube to work ( use the overground) and ended up stranded miles away from where I wanted to be !

London! I miss your ways. I was riding on the top deck of the 19, wearing a black boiled wool Nicole Farhi suit . On the way to work in Notting Hill, feeling good. There's a nice Indian couple with a two or three year old girl sitting at the seats which overlook the stairwell.

As I go downstairs to get off, I feel this hot liquid in my hair. It's white and looks like cottage cheese. Hot cottage cheese. The little girl had thrown up and her parents had just pointed her over the banister and down the stairwell. My shoulders, my front, my thighs, all soaking in warm milk barf.

I got off the bus and looked upwards in horror at the Indian family, who were looking outside at me.

I'm currently pregnant and motherhood holds no fears for me after this.

Happy ending: Lucky I was friends with my editor's wife who lived by the office - she lent me their shower and I had clothes at their place from a party. Then I walked to work like nothing happened. The suit never lost that smell, even after a dry clean.

When I was 20 (God was I ever 20?) I was taken to the cinema by my boyfriend. We arrived late, the adverts had begun and the lights were out. Our seats were in the middle so everyone had to stand up to let us pass. When we arrived at our seats I sat down on the wrong seat - straight onto a man's lap. I squealed, he squealed, the row in front jumped three feet in the air, the row behind cracked out laughing - much chaos ensued. These days I arrive very early at the cinema!

Mine is verbal not physical. Went into our local chi chi shop. The rather grand older lady shop assistant said "may I help you?". My response "no it's fine I was just admiring your jugs". As soon as I said it I realised how wrong it sounded and scuttled out without my cream retro jugs...

Had my own hat on underneath so looked even more ridiculous

That train one, brilliant!

The other day I walked into the corner shop with DD's hat comically perched on my head. I had put it on my head in the car for some unknown reason but forgot about it when I went in the shop and neither DD or OH thought it was necessary to tell me.

Downstairspoo 😂 😂 😂

Many years ago when then DP and I were newly dating we were up in the Tottenham Court Road area one evening for an appointment I had. I went off for this arranging to meet him later. We duly met up and caught a bus for home. As the bus rounded a corner into TC Road, he casually drew my attention to a men's outfitters with a large plate glass window with the words 'See that window.....?' I looked and all I could see was utter carnage in the window as all the mannequins were laying in a heap. 'I did that' he said. Apparently he leaned in for a better look at the clothes, misjudged it and his head hit the window. The hand of one of the artistically arranged figures must have been touching the glass, it toppled and the rest went over like nine-pins. Not one was left standing. God knows what the staff thought when they arrived for work in the morning. We had hysterics all the way home.

I'm so pleased this thread is still going.

Today I walked past a wheely bin at work and managed (I don't know how) to knock my elbow on it. How the fuck do I do that all the time?

It made a really loud plastic-y noise and hurt like hell. As usual I just styled it out like it didn't hurt at all while in my head thinking 'fuck fuck fuck that hurt'.

How are there people that DON'T do these things?

When I was on holiday a couple of years ago, I was struggling with jetlag and was really tired during the day. We were in a supermarket when I yawned and stretched my arms out, accidentally putting my hand into a woman's coat pocket

I yelped and pulled my hand back but she was very nice about it!

Caught a couple looking at me a bit pityingly trying to work out why I couldn't pick it up

Last week, I picked up a basket in M&S and swanned off to do my shopping. It wasn't until I tried to lower the basket that I realised that the pocket flap on my coat had slid into the loop in the handle and the blunt end of the wire handle was preventing it from sliding back out.

I tried styling it out as I fiddled with it but had to admit defeat and take off my coat so that I could use both hands. I got a lot of from my fellow shoppers.

Not me, my dp

Years ago when dd was a newborn i sent him to purchase some lansinoh from boots. In his sleep deprived haze he fell just before getting onto the escalator to get to the ground floor and landed up on his knees. Tried several times to get up whilst on the escalator but couldn't manage so had to ride down it on his hands and knees. The escalator spat him out on the floor at the bottom. He claims he was so tired he lay there for a minute before getting up. Caught several shop assistants staring at him with open mouths before he made it out

I've done the queuing to pay, stood behind a mannequin thing a few too many times.

Also, in M&S today I tried to pick up a basket and it took me far, far too long to realise it was the bottom basket, which was cabletied to the base - not meant for use. Caught a couple looking at me a bit pityingly trying to work out why I couldn't pick it up 😳

One night I ran into the supermarket to pick something up whilst DP waited in the car outside. It was dark and raining heavily and when I came out the supermarket I jumped into the passenger seat of the car without really looking. Suddenly I was face to face with an utterly terrified, screaming woman in the driving seat. I had obviously gotten into the wrong car and the poor woman most likely thought she was being carjacked!

To make matters worse, I became weak and breathless with hysterical laughter at my mistake so it was several moments before I could apologise and get out of her car. She just screamed the entire time...

My friend's sister must have tripped a bit near a sliding door and left a long red streak of lippie on the glass!

I seem to have found my people.

I would describe myself as a cackhanded cluster fuck on a daily basis.

I think my most memorable incident was:

I was 20 and had not long moved in with DH. we went to get chips for tea and I was skipping along (as you do) with shoes with no grip on the soles I skipped through the chippy door and as my shoe hit the polished floor I skidded at speed across the floor and banged my head on the counter causing me to be knocked out.
I woke up across the road on a grass verge.
I still remember seeing all the faces looking at me open mouthed before my face mounted the forehead height (for me) counter. It was busy too as they just opened.

We carried on living in the village for 10 years and everytime I went in the owner gave me a laughing smile. I can imagine him thinking oh shit it's that woman again, get the crash helmet ready.

My other most memorable incident that gets mentioned quite often is when me and DH went to the dry ski slope, on reflection it was a very bad idea and I should of never been allowed in.

As I struggle with the concept of walking on a daily basis skiing was obviously not my forte we hadn't been there long, we were on a practice slope when I started slipping forward I panicked and grabbed my DH arm to steady myself. It worked and I stopped but my DH was caught unaware and I threw him off balance and he fell to the ground breaking his arm in the process.

Today while reading this thread I fell over on the bus. On the seat at the back where the emergency door is (one in front of the back seat) and sometimes there's a step up to the back and some times there isn't. I Stood up to let ds move as the bus was braking for our stop and didn't think tho see if there was a step or not.... as the bus stopped I rocked forwards then tried to pull myself backwards.... except I was stood next to the step so I ended up going flat on my back and couldn't get up fast enough because I was trying to stop ds falling on me and was sort of wedged between the seats... finally managed to get myself up after 5 minutes of wriggling that was probably only about 20 seconds grabbed ds and hobbled off as fast as I could

Ps i read it in the Benalmádena Bugle ;-)