to want to send an anonymous letter to everyone in my child's year

"It only began to heal for me when the two instigators reflected on their behaviour much like your letter is asking as adults and individually apologised to me, deeply ashamed of the pain they caused. "

This thread is deeply moving. As is the above quote. If some of the kids would reflect on what pain they are generating in someone and how utterly bad that is, we can live in hope they may apologise one day and change their behaviour.

I was thinking the same as Libra

Send it as an open letter to your local newpaper, and title it "To the pupils of X School".

But change the emphasis from it being from you as the parent, to it being from him as the victim. And the bit about it being their brother or sister is very powerful, definitely leave that in and maybe expand on that if you can.

As the mother of a child bullied because of his additional needs, reading this makes me very upset that this still happens (DS is 25 now) but also makes me wish I had had the gumption to stand up and shout more when it was happening. Shout out about this, and shout out loud.

YANBU. Send it to the school ask them to read it out. I have copied it just in case I ever need it for any of mine x

children can be cruel....and if left to be so turn into horrible adults. you said headof year supportive.enough to issue this as schoolbag mail??to whole school?no cheek no chance. even if one child changed as result its worth it.

ealing, I can only think you've never been involved in this kind of situation. My DD has been the subject of this kind of insidious drip-drip bullying, and we've spent a lot of time trying to give her the tools to deal with it whilst pushing the school to resolve it. And whilst that's been going on I've had to come into contact with the children involved and remind myself they are only children, because I feel so strongly negative towards them that if they were adults I would have had words.

You can't criticise the OP for hating those who have tormented her child so cruelly for so long. At this point, fuck being kind.

OP, I really feel for you.

Your letter is an inspiration. U should send it. It angers me when I hear about bullied children like your son. I too was bullied throughout school. We shouldn't have to put up with it. There is usually a ringleader. My so called friend joined in with & teased me relentlessly for my shortness (5ft) & she was only 5ft 1"!!

You're too kind when u say they don't know what they're doing. Ur son's lucky to have u.

I wish u all the best for the future.

Yes those little shits...

My son has been bullied since starting primary school, it took him two years to admit to me that the first time he'd been strangled by a bigger boy so hard he thought he'd die. At the time I'd dragged him into school the next day, because he'd refused to go in. When i found out why he hadn't wanted to go later on I swore I'd never force him to go again. He was 4 years old FFS - and the smallest boy in his year.

More recently I've gone in and said "X is at home and he's not coming to school until you tell me what you're going to do about this". The deputy head told me I needed to think about the message I was sending him and I said the message I was sending was that I wasn't going to make him go somewhere where he didn't feel safe.

I do remember police being called to a bullying incident when I was at school, they turned up to our bus stop in a police car and followed the bus to school. I was one of about 3 people on the bus who weren't named as bullies but I think it pretty much stopped then. So worth a thought if all else fails?

God kids can be bloody cruel, so sorry OP. Xx

How can you demand kindness if you end your letter by saying you are hating them? They are kids and if they vote in support of gay pride but are vile to your son it is because their support is superficial,it is fashionable now to support gay movement so they do it.But really no empathy there to anyone as moral compass is lacking.And I am afraid this comes from home first. Therefore,IMHO,only kind and firm letter might make them think,especially that they might find themselves victims of disease or accident in the future and how would they like to be at the receiving end then? But your letter is too bitter and full of contempt rather than desire to explain to who are really just kids. I would suggest to be very firm with the Head with monitoring what have been done every day.It is the Head's responsibility to stop it even if these kids would not be empathic or repentant.they must know this is not tolerated at school full stop. If Head does not care I would have taken my son out of that school and lodged a huge complaint to the LA.

I feel for you.

There's usually a ring leader seeking to big themselves up at the expense of the vulnerable.

Many decades ago now, just such a ring leader had picked again on my friend and I decided the next time he did it, he was toast.

A few weeks passed and he made one of his nasty sneering jibes at one of the most timid pupils. I pounced. "Ooo nasty boy do you feel big now? After all it must take soo much guts to go after Timid. Wow aren't you the big man". I went on a bit. Very loudly. He turned tail, slunk away like the coward he was and me and my friends and anyone near us was let alone.

But it took til upper sixth to get how to handle it.

Don't suppose you can find a supporter for your boy? I feel for you. This stuff still makes me livid.

I too was bullied all through school. When I asked my mum if I could change school she said no, when I ask if I could leave school, she said when I was 18. I was 9! 18 was the whole of my life away!

I am 58. I can tell you that this doesn't define the rest of your life at all. When I left school at 18, I knew that nothing was ever going to be so bad again, because whatever I did, I would have chosen for myself, and if I could get myself into something, I could equally get myself out of it. And that has been true.

I told myself that I never had to be anywhere I didn't want to be again, that anything that ever happened to me would be due to my own choices and decisions, and that is what has happened. I've had some amazing jobs, done some wonderful things, met extraordinary people and all in all had a whale of a time, worked hard and enjoyed it.

Your children will grow to be strong, confident people.

I think that letter should be read out in every school in the country.

I'd move or move schools . My son is non verbal and in ms . The kids adore him and the school has taught the children sign language . E is very much part of the school.. I chose very carefully which school to send him to and their inclusion policy is amazing !

Have you considered Scouts or Boys Brigade? Such places are very accepting of different sorts.

What horrible kids. I really feel for you both. My son was bullied and it is heartbreaking. Some people are so cruel and heartless.

I know it's a long way back in the thread but I agree with Mermeli. The school, as a whole, aren't doing enough. Speak to them again and, if necessary go to the police. I was badly bullied in secondary school for unknown reasons. No one would sit next to me, talk to me, engage with me in anyway. I was locked in practice rooms and not let out until the end of lessons so I would get detentions, scratched, punched, kicked. I often heard people talking about me. Teachers 25 years ago weren't as bothered (if that's the right word!) About bullying. I just got my head down and worked. I did my homework at break and lunchtime, I did revision too. I kept telling myself it will all be over soon and I would be out of there. Hopefully, you will get somewhere with the school/police and things will improve. He is very lucky to have you as a mum. Year 11 is so important and it's one more year (I know that's easy to say x). Keep going and good luck x

YANBU.
What an inspirational post.

I was excluded from things and poked in the back etc when I first started secondary school. I'm severely VI and was quite shy but friendly to everyone.

Nobody thought leaving someone out could be bullying, but it can be.

I hope your poor DS gets some good friends in the future.

I really hope they take a look at themselves in years to come and feel shameful and modify their behaviour.

Thoughts to your sweet son, OP.

To the person who thinks bullied children should 'toughen up and just get on with it', because there are horrible people everywhere in life.

The insidious drip drip of soul destroying distain and cruelty is not actually the best route to gaining resilience, self reliance and self believe.

It's grinds you down, it doesn't 'toughen you up'.

I'd hoped that attitude had died out somewhat, but I guess there will always be people you want bullying to continue as some kind of lord of the flies trial by torture test. A test that only some children are put through whilst everyone else gets to watch and laugh. And if those victim cry and ask why me? Why did I get picked for this? It's just another reason to torture them some more.

And blame them for being 'different'.

And there is the circularity right there... the more you are tortured, ostracized and victimized the more 'different' you get. How can children learn the social skills and basic confidence they can cope with being with others, when they are not allowed to interact as others do? When the key years of their life are taken from them, the years when all the others are trialling and learning their social skills?

I was the one sitting in the corner watching others make friends and deal with others. I was the one who spent 9 hrs a day in silence, unless a teacher asked me a question I couldn't say a word lest it alerted the bullies to my existence. I was a ghost.

And that skill I still have, the ability to take up no space, to have no presence in a room, to be utterly unnoticed and insignificant. To be unheard, and unvalued. That was the skill I was practicing whilst my 'peers' were learning how to be socially confident and adept.

I never caught up with them, but I did find people who didn't mind my awkwardness and found my 'newness' to life an interesting thang, not a despicable flaw.

Weirder still was experiencing for the first time people who wanted to get my attention, the best I'd ever hoped for was people to ignore me or let me pay attention to them. So weird to have it the other way round. Intoxicating actually, I think for the first term of college I walked around in a daze as people treated me just like one of them! And your DS will feel that one day, and I hope he revels in it too

I am so sorry you are both going through this. Similar happened to my 13 yr old until I removed him a few weeks ago to home ed. I spent 6 months considering it and decided my child's mental health was far more important that grades. I am lucky enough to know a few mums that home ed so met with them a few times and they took me to a small study group which he will start at in the new school year a couple of times a week, is there anything like that near you? There are lots of secret home ed Facebook groups full of info and support. School kind of swept things under the carpet and only dealt with some of the bullying, I did only find out about some things from a sensible girl telling a teacher and since my son has left he's told me more of what went on. I believe he can go to college once 14. You should ask school to read out the letter, I hope things improve.

Topaz - we got the same reaction - the bully was very angry and upset of being accused of these things. It was said in the manner of "why have you upset DBully?" Yeah, and my kid needed to just deal with things better. It was an astonishing and horrendous meeting of victim blaming.

Your poor, poor son. I have been where he is now, not with SEN but with a significant illness that led to relentless bullying throughout high school. I was at rock bottom most of the time, attempted suicide, self harmed and generally hated myself because of the way I was treated.

One thing I did not expect though, was that once school was over, things changed enormously for the better. Please, please tell your son, from someone with experience, that it WILL be ok, things will change, he will be free of them and that he will be happy. I went on to college after school and to my surprise became quite popular, purely because I didn't know anyone and was able to start a fresh.

I recently ran into someone who I'd been friendly with at school, not enough for them to help me, but on ok terms. She told me about a lot of the others from our year that she'd kept in contact with, most of whom were awful bullies and in the popular clique. All of them are stuck in dead end jobs or had children straight out of school and are stuck on the dole. It made me realise that who you are in school is not who you'll always be.

Bless your son, and bless you for being such a lovely, supportive mum.

Sally I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this!

My daughter is the same age as your son (just turned 15, starting year 11 in Sept) and has been bullied her whole school life.
She doesn't have special needs but she is ginger, the child of a lesbian and listens to rock music, which means she has always been at the centre of a lot of vile acts and rumours.
I've been into her school for meetings more times than I can remembered, and like you have found that even if the bullies admit what they did, the worse punishment they have received has been a few days suspension, which these kids love bcoz they get out of lessons! It's NOT a punishment, it's a reward!!

For the last 3 months of year 10 my daughter was unable to go to most of her scheduled lessons bcoz of a group of girls who would torment her constantly, making it unbearable to concentrate and she would end up walking out (more often than not the teachers would ignore what was being said, or punish my daughter for walking out or defending herself in any way!)

Her head of year has been great, she hates that she can't just round these bullies up and send them somewhere else, but it's never going to happen.
My daughter refused to go into school for almost 2 weeks as she couldn't handle anymore bullying, so they agreed that she could do her lessons in the Bridge (separate room away from the main part of the school) which solved one issue but caused many more!

I was ready to move my daughter, or even home school, until I found out that she would lose some of her GCSEs (her options) and wouldn't leave school with enough to get on the college course she wants, so I've had to keep her there.

Anyone who isn't a sheep, who won't blindly do whatever is the "in" thing or "cool" will always be bullied, it's the sad state of humanity. But you are definitely doing the right thing, giving your son everything he needs to do as well as he can in school!

And he can be proud of his mum for standing by him, I just hope that your letter helps. Even if it affects just one bully enough to change their outlook on life, you have done an amazing thing ☺️

OP, I feel so angry that your son and you are suffering from these mindless wimps.

I think their parents should be made aware and if possible the scum should be publically shamed. Ideally they should be named in school assembly as undesirable characters. It would be good if it were kept on school records that would affect their futures e.g: further education, job references.
Is their behaviour actually legal?

Very powerful letter please ask the school to read it out and if they don't circulate it around anyway

Only thing I would personally change is the bit at the end that says I hate you
And I'd only change it because ii. Think you'd get a better response to saying something like

Only when you have children yourself and they get treated like this will you understand the pain and the devestating sadness it causes

Good luck op, he's lucky to have you fighting his corner
So well done

Punishing some of the worst culprits is not the answer sadly . Educating the majority who are passively allowing it to happen and not giving your boy positive support is the way forward but it's not easy . But you should let them know . Could you get to talk directly to a small group of students with the year head , who you seem to trust . Then get those students to come up with some positive ways forward . I ran an anti bully club at my school and it was a well attended safe place for young people to meet , talk and plan activities . Everyone was welcome and some strong alliences were formed . You have to believe that there are some students at that school who are not indulging in the bullying behaviour and may be the key to moving forward .
Accepting others who don't confirm to a received view of normality is part of growing up ... Sadly some never learn . But some do . Get your year head to find them and support your boy
Good luck . Don't give up .