Things you only learned about pregnancy and birth once you were committed

Heartburn and reflux so bad in third trimester that you have to sleep on 5 pillows or be woken up choking on your own stomach acid

If your baby turns and stays transverse, you have to be admitted to hospital from 38 weeks and basically live there for 2 weeks, all over Christmas and New Year in my case.

Stomach still numb 2.5 years after c-section.

That you can be in slow labour for 4 days and then push for over three hours
Gas and air gets taken off you to push that was fun
The first poo after an episiotomy is the scariest poo of your life

Waking up on day 3 with 2 rock hard cannon balls stuck to your chest (I was a B cup pre-pregnancy and it was a total shock).
The first few poos your baby does are not actually poo but treacle.
Babies can do a poo which goes all the way up their back necessitating changing all their clothes.
A textbook delivery from a midwive's perspective can still be awful for the woman.
Some babies simply refuse to breastfeed no matter how many lactation consultants you see.

That after a c section and an epidural you can sit in pints of your own blood and not notice a thing.

That morning sickness lasts for 24 hours per day and for 4 1/2 months and then is replaced by heartburn that lasts for the other 4 1/2 months.

Thinking nothing of drinking 12 litres of milk each day. (Only thing that kept the heartburn at bay)

That whilst you may be tempted to spray your vagina area with the shower head to clean all the birth stuff away during the post birth shower, this is the worst idea in the world when you have a tear and refused stitches. my mum was helping me shower and just looked at me like "wff did you do that for?" I screamed and cried.

also, that peeing really really hurts after and that if you do some sort of weird yoga type position, standing on your hands and feet to pee in the cardboard thing then ita possible to pee without feeling like your being sliced with razor blades but you will get piss on your face and probably won't even care.

SPD. It's absolutely crippling.

After pains. I had none after DD. The nurses on the postnatal ward kept offering me pain relief and being surprised when I said no. I was too embarrassed to ask what was supposed to be sore, because I felt fine? After DS was born, I understood (and took the drugs!).

That you will end up with teenagers.

That even if you have a c section you will bleed afterwards. A lot. For a long time!

That you have to sleep on a towel for weeks because of all the leaking milk.
That being induced can take 4 days and the drip is like some kind of torture implement.
I'm 5 weeks pregnant with my second and have just found out that my c section scar hurts all the time and that this will probably continue until the baby is born!

aargh, I'll try again

re: pooing after the birth

I found out the point of a bidet and was very thankful for it

• pregnancy would be only boring
• that the baby turning up wouldn't feel real until they popped out
• that having a baby would be the best and most wonderful thing ever and that I would be happier than I thought possible
• that nothing about birth was predictable or knowable in advance
• that seeing my partner morph into the world's most amazing father would be heartbreakingly lovely

Re: point after the birth

I found out the point of a bidet, and was very thankful for it

The first poo after birth hurts almost as much as crowning.

Manual manipulation of the foetal head- this phrase should send shudders up anyone's spine. Had me crawling up the bed even with an epidural.

Sometimes, epidurals only work on one side. This is a fresh hell.

SPD is the devil's own work and anyone telling you you need to get on with it can get to fuck.

Not being allowed to take a decongestant or proper painkillers when pregnant with the flu is bloody barbaric I know I know, risks to baby and all that

Giving up smoking and drinking is surprisingly easy when you're pregnant, and surprisingly easy to keep up once the baby is born.

The right midwife can save you from a whole world of trauma. The wrong one could be a trigger for pnd.

Neonatal jaundice is a good reason to not be able to bf (baby too weak to latch) but the guilt for failing never ever ever ever goes away.

Thinking 'are they really going to send me home with this tiny fragile little baby? I crap I haven't got a bloody clue how to keep this kid alive, I can't even keep a plant alive'

Induction hurts. A lot.

If you get cannulated by a nurse who is clearly incapable (stabbed 9 times. 9!) you might end up with cannula scars on your hands that don't go away

OMG! The first poo after my c-section!!!

Simultaneously the best and worst toilet trip of my life....

I've found out something new in my second pregnancy that I'd never heard of and never been warned about: Vulvar varicose veins. Nice. This shall be my last pregnancy.

While pregnant

• carpal tunnel
• indigestion

• forever lubricated downstairs I had to change my pants several times a day

Birth

• that it was the most crippling, humbling pain imaginable
• epidural is my friend

Post birth

• episiotomy recovery will take 3 weeks to be able to sit - you will not be wandering around in tesco the next day!!
• first poo is traumatic
• contraction pains while breastfeeding are strong!
• breastfeeding hurts for the first few weeks
• A lot of weight will come off then put it back on again
• baby will not sleep all the time, in fact they will never sleep!!

The amazing sense of smell you get right from the start. Nice if you're in a flower filled garden (as I was the first time I noticed it).

So many things mentioned on here I'd forgotten about but God, yes:
The nosebleeds.
The breathlessness, even in the first trimester.
The pelvic and back pain.
The blood. So. Much. Blood.
The crazy dreams.
The saliva. WTF is that about?
The pelvic and back pain x2
The tiredness. I became Queen of Naps.
How useless my brain would become around month 6. I would just gaze blankly at my manager and smile whenever she asked me to do something as I had no freaking clue what she was on about!
That it took about 10 days to actually warm to my DS and feel that love for him that I was supposed to have from the moment I saw him!

I didn't enjoy pregnancy and childbirth... every time I think about having another baby I just can't put myself through all of that again!

Oooo and the first poo after childbirth!! That was frightening 🙊

Varicose veins in one's vulva during pregnancy !

That scar tissue can form in vaginas, making sex uncofortable for months after birth.

On a positive note, stitches do not have to be terrible. Mine caused me no problems, healed really quickly and didn't hurt.

The labour ward is hell on earth! And they leave you there with the baby even though you don't know what to do

That post birth pee. I thought it would never end!
The afterpains... They were almost as painful as some of my contractions!
The magical tea and toast afterwards... Oh that was delicious 😋
That babies don't always latch well and you might end up with two midwives manhandling your boobs trying to get it into your babies mouth...

That once I'm fully dilated and I'm ready to push all the pain would suddenly stop and I'd have total panic and l'd refuse to push.
This was with DS5. It was utterly bizarre, I literally folded my arms and decided I wanted a C-section. Midwives and DH were dumbfounded.
We had a bit of a stand-off while they tried to convince me that I should start pushing and I insisted I won't because I wanted a C-section.

Eventually I realised that I actually want baby out and with a sigh and rolling my eyes I gave up and said "all right then, I'll do it" , as if I was doing them a favour!
As soon as I started pushing the pain returned btw

I also didn't know that you could dilate from 5cm to 10cm in 2 mins!!!!! (With DS3)
Or that I could push the head out with only 2 puushes and that with the 3rd one he'd shoot out of me with such speed the midwives almost dropped him!

Ah, all those births. We have 7.
And my eldest is 15 today