Things that stay with you.

I lit up like a Christmas tree -- The Fault in Our Stars

My little sister when I was 17 (she was 11) telling me "when I grow up I want to be just like you". It has always stayed with me.

Oh baconymum .Don't give up hope . I remember the sonographer saying 'there's definitely a heartbeat' at a scan at six weeks , (I'd been bleeding) after two miscarriages.The baby is now 26.
I'd previously had a blighted ovum and had had a scan only for precise dating and I was having CVS .No signs of miscarriage It was horrible

About nine months after the birth of my first child, the mental health midwife came and went through my birth notes with me and literally just looked at me and said 'it wasn't your fault, you did the best you could.' The weight that lifted off of my shoulders was immense.

My English teacher from year nine, I was put in the bottom set (undiagnosed dyslexia) and she was always so nice to me and so encouraging.

My exh telling me he never wanted to get married or have a child. We had been married around 14 years at that point and DS was 12. I was devastated and really struggled to get over that. It's still with me now.

some of these are heartbreaking but I can't stop reading

I have a few negatives that stay with me but I'm going to share some of the positives.

When I was 20 I worked at a summer camp in America for adults with severe disabilities. Every week you were given a 'camper' and it was my responsibility to make sure they were dressed everyday, showered, ate, had taken medication and had joined in on the various activities. One week I was paired up with a man in his early twenties and who severe autism, it was a difficult week as he could often have aggressive outburst and needed constant one to one supervision, plus he towered over my 5"3 frame standing at 6"4. He was mostly non-verbal and made very little social interactions.

After 7 days his parents arrived to take him home and we loaded up the car as I was telling them about the week, how he had swam every day and loved sitting in the craft room making necklaces out of beads. When it was time to get in the car he just stood there for a few minutes and then out of nowhere came over and wrapped his arms around me in a hug then stopped and got into the car. I was taken a back but his parents were in tears. Almost 10 years later and we're still in contact a few times a year

I work in higher education in a pastoral support role, a few weeks ago I met up with a student I hadn't seen for a while to see how she was getting on. Our of nowhere she said "stinky, if it wasn't for you I would have dropped out" After a shitty few days at work this made it all worthwhile

Kurtsey that is absolutely heartbreaking.

"Are you disabled or something?" From a swimming teacher in front of the whole class when I was in primary school because I was struggling with breast stroke. I still hate swimming now and only do front crawl if I have to.

"You'd be pretty if you weren't fat"

My mum had a pet from when I was born till I was about 13-14, when it sadly died.

A couple of years ago we were having an argument and she bought up a horrible comment that she said I had said at the time. I know for a fact it was my sibling who said it, and I told her as much. But she didn't believe me.

So she's basically hung onto a grudge for around 30 years, which is bad enough; but she's held it against entirely the wrong person and then refused to accept she was mistaken

DS adored his teacher last year (Class 2). Tbh so did I. He had some behavarioual issues , and was bullied a bit, which involved me going into school a bit and I git to know her quite well. At the end of the year DS made her a card with a collage of pictures representing everything they'd studied, the projects and day trips etc. I made her a jar of jam and scones.

At home time on the last day of the year, she called me back into the classroom and tearily said "That card.... Was the most wonderful on 30 years.... I'll miss you and DS....". I realise that teachers can leave a lasting effect on children, but hadn't clicked that it could cut both ways.

Kurtsey That's so sad, he sounded like a nice person who just couldn't get away from that awful start in life.

To balance out all the heartbreak:

The first time DD smiled at me.

So many of these are just heartbreaking.

Positive ones:

DH (then a fairly new BF) giving me a little lamb toy, telling me he one day wanted us to have a family, and that I was the person he wanted to be with, always. He'd also got me some cake.

My first longterm therapist in our very last session looking a little teary and telling me she was really going to miss me. I hadn't realised she might have any feelings about me really, despite seeing her for years. I was touched and happy (and cried quite a bit!).

Near the end of my last year in school, I was walking with my favourite teacher, feeling sad that the familiar was coming to an end and being a bit stroppy with the teacher. Instead of getting cross, she smiled at me and told me she was always going to remember me. I certainly still remember her so well!

Overhearing a different teacher tell DM: "Bursars will be fine, whatever she decides to do in life. She's got that something in her."

Not sure I want to write any negatives now. A lot of them are from my parents, like for many here. I've probably forgotten the worst ones, but these stay with me:

(I think I've said this here before). When I confided in DM about my cutting, her only comment was if needed help with the job or a sharper knife to finish it properly.

DF telling me he wouldn't come to my wedding if I married a black man.

DF when seeing me for the first time after I'd lost a lot of weight during a bad time with my bulimia: "You almost look like my daughter again."

Urgh.

When I was 14, a boy I was friend with said 'I wish I could live at your house' randomly one day. At the time I didn't think much of it but a few months later he was removed from his parents and it became clear that he was, and had been for some time, horrendously neglected by his mum who was a heroin addict who used to let her various boyfriends sexually abuse him. His words hit me like a tonne of bricks and made me feel lucky and thankful for what I had, which wasn't actually much.

He was moved to a children's home over the other side of the city. We kept in touch with letters for a few months but then he got moved and we lost touch.

About three years later when I was at college, he randomly got in touch and we met up. He told me how he got sucked into drug use and petty crime and had been in and out of youth offenders. He'd reconnected with me because he was getting clean and wanted to build bridges with the people that mattered to him.I asked him if he remembered saying that he wished he could live in my house; he said he did remember and it was what he wanted more than anything in the world as a child.

After a few months of letters, texts, emails and occasional meet-ups, he stopped writing back to me and we lost touch.

A couple of years ago a woman from a half-way house contacted me to let me know he'd died of a heroin overdose. They found my address in among his things and had no-one else to contact.

He died, at 28, under a bridge on a freezing cold night in the middle of December. He was found with his trousers down and a needle sticking out of his groin.

I went to his funeral. There were only three people there

A Doctor telling me that people with depression are those who can see the world for how shit it really is.

A stranger once told me I look much prettier when I smile. So now I smile whenever I am out and about

Oh I have a positive one!

The "friend" who told me I was idiotic for buying my tiny little flat in a student area at 21. Went on about how I was tying myself down, wouldn't be able to enjoy my 20's. Using my student loans for the deposit was mental, I could go travelling or something instead.

Well I still got to enjoy my 20's, despite having that property millstone. Over the years I sold, made small profits, and upgraded along the way. My house in London Z2 has a value close to £1m.

I often wonder whether the people who say these things remember, or completely forget and move on with their own lives. I know my own my has said some pretty awful things to me, but she swears she never did, my memory plays up.

I understand too, Midnight. It's hard to be brave when you have been hurt.

I do know what you mean Midnight my self esteem is very low. I bet your friends love you though.

Sometimes those types of relationships become a pattern. A policeman when I was about to do a video interview said that often if issues aren't addres
Send we will keep attracting the same type- predatory instinct.

A week after my Father's death. My Mother calmly told me she wished I had died instead of him.

I was 7.

My mother slapping my face when I was thirteen because I spilt some birdseed on the floor. The pain was awful and she was so nasty. I wish I'd slapped her back.

Oh and my mum saying 'you always think with your cunt' when my first love dumped me after 2 years together. And we are a very naice MC family.

My ex best friend was very beautiful and extremely sexy and charismatic. We were dancing to a live band in a pub with a few other random girls. I was dressed in my work gear (shirt and trousers) and felt a little self conscious as they were all looking very cool.

At the end of the night we were sitting having a drink when the pub lights came on. A rather handsome man strode between the empty tables up to us, obviously to pray at the alter of my mate. To both our surprise he spoke to me and said:

You are the most beautiful woman in here and don't ever think anything different.

He then left wihout our response but that has stayed with me for decades. It was such a kind thing to do.

Midnight I can relate. I am the same to be honest. My dad was in and out of my life but for the most part didn't see me as worth it. My stepdad was abusive and put me down every day and my mum stayed with him. And I had an awful relationship where my bf called me names and mocked me daily.

I've never got over it all re my self esteem. I don't have any, despite having a loving wonderful family of my own. The words that were said in my past are imprinted on my mind. I don't know how to ever escape them.

But I can see clearly enough about other people that they do not deserve cruel words. You didn't! [hug]