Things that stay with you.

Cuppa don't you are do anything like that again, we all need you, your dp, your dds and me, without you we'd be lost...my wonderful dad after my suicide attempt. He's always been a quiet man but that stays with me whenever I feel low.

OneNight after reading some of the most awful, hateful, and heartbreaking things on this thread, your DS and DH have restored my faith in humanity.

I feel so blessed, lucky and quite overwhelmed at the life I've had compared to some of you lovely ladies.
It's truly awful to read what some of you have had to go through in life and the impact it's had on you all.
to all of you!

The one thing that sticks in my mind the most is when I was 9 months pregnant.
Overdue, pissed off, feeling ugly and fat.
I said to my then DH through my tears of frustration, 'Please say something to cheer me up'
His response - 'Well you don't sweat much for a fat bird'
After my initial shocked face, we both burst out laughing and laughed for ages.
He did have a good sense of humour, even if he couldn't keep it in his pants!

"Happy Birthday" - My mother's last words to me. Dying of cancer and barely able to talk but managed to get those words out. Still a whole month before she finally died.

Another death related one - very elderly MIL at our house on phone to much younger, dying niece. We had the speaker phone on so we could all hear/join in. They were trying to end the call but just couldn't - each kept saying 'Goodbye', both knowing this really was Goodbye and probably the last chance they'd get to say it..

Numerous things stick with me but just 2 that come to mind right now. My mum (whom I have much respect for and have a generally good relationship with) when I was struggling terribly with anxiety and PND came out with a pearler. I was trying to confide in her how I was feeling and she said that if my baby (DD1) had been born with a serious illness and was in special care I wouldn't have time to worry about all this "stuff".
Another is my wonderful school music teacher who told me no matter what the mean girls say it's not necessarily true. I hadn't considered before that the things they said about me were just opinion, I had taken their cruel words to be the truth.
Sorry it's a long post

A drunken man...on the street once told me "You will age very well...you have excellent bone structure"

He was like...a sad, homeless man. But such a nice compliment!

A couple of nuggets from my grandad who always lived with us when I was a child and who was very working class man from the 1930s- no emotions whatsoever!

When my dad died, I was 13, my mum came home from the hospital and sat me down to tell me. I cried, I panicked yadda yadda. When me and my grandad were on our own, he walked past me to leave the room, ruffled my hair and said 'I'll do what I can for you'.

A couple of years later my grandad was dying of terminal cancer in our living room and my cousin came to visit and say goodbye as he was off travelling (i.e. it was the last time he'd see him). My cousin was quite teary but grandad was fine. As my cousin went to leave, my grandad grabbed him arm and I thought there was a really tearful, Walton-esque moment coming up. My grandad said to him 'Don't lend anyone any money'. And that was that. The last thing my grandad said to my cousin

The night my dad died, after 8 weeks of him being in ITU, when I finally got home utterly exhausted. I crawled into bed, woke ex DH up to tell him my daddy had died.
He said 'Oh dear, never mind. I'm tired, tell me about it in the morning'.

I think my marriage started ending that day.

From my mother when discussing why her brother (who sends me mail telling me how awful the family know me to be) wasn't being invited to something I organised. "Sweary, he's the only family I have".

From my father when he discovered I was sexually active in my late teens "I'm not calling you a slut, Sweary, but if the cap fits....."

My ds2 was born by vbac. My ds1's emcs delivery ad left me feeling like a failure. During my ds2's (very rapid) birth the ward manager came in and told me to make less noise as you could hear me in the corridor and 'all this noise doesn't get you anywhere'. Thankfully the midwife more or less told her to do one but for me, in the midst of my joy that I was going to have my longed-for vaginal birth, it was like a humiliating slap in the face. Sadly the memory of her supercilious words is one of my two main memories from my ds2's birth. Bitch.

Being told I'm a shit mother and don't care about my baby when I was struggling with breastfeeding. It still makes me want to cry thinking about it now and it's months later. This is my DH!

Take a long hard look in the mirror...you will end up a bitter old woman if you carry on - again DH.

Bit sad but I can't think of anything nice that's happened.

So many awful things from my adoptive mother, that her parents weren't really my grandparents and i had no business being in touch with them , my very d sis wasn't my sis so why was I even bothered about her.
Some truly awful things about my birth mother and how I was just like her, she didn't know anything about her.
I haven't seen her in more than 20 years and I have a lovely husband now and my 'not really ' sister is still the most wonderful sister in the world but there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of some nasty thing she did or said, so I guess I would describe that as something that stayed with me.

A positive one for me. I have had a lot of heartbreak, particularly the sudden death of my son when he was a year old. I fell pregnant by accident after and my god it was tough, so so tough, to keep parenting the child I had, prepare for a new one and grieve. I am still sometimes surprised I am still here.

Anyway, to the positive, I was in the car one day with my children (one born before he died, one after) and I was making some random comment about how something made me happy, and my wee one said 'mum, you are always happy'. Of course I said 'I am always happy when I am with you two'. It was so special and such a validation of my almighty struggle not to burden my children with the weight of my grief - they see me as a happy mummy! I could want no greater praise. I still remind myself, when I am succumbing, that to my daughters I am a happy mum.

It is strange how one throw away remark can stay with you forever. I am a happy mum, that is who I am.

"you saved my life" - 3 tines in my lifetime and it was absolutely true each time ( one successful bystander CPR )
And " she wouldn't be here without you" baby who is now at primary.

Picking up a lot of helpful phrases for work too, thank you for sharing team MN ( especially " it'll always hurt but not like this" to go with my " there will always be an X shaped hole in your heart and family but it wont always be at the front of your mind" which is how I talk about bereavement now)

And one from something I saw recently on TV re Down's syndrome. " your baby is just perfect" .

A positive one. I was talking to my friend about how sad I was that I had had to give up running when I developed adult onset asthma and how it felt pointless even trying now because I would never reach the standard/distance I had been before. She said "well you might not that's true, you may never get there again, but you'll be somewhere further on from where you are right now won't you?"

Something that can be applied to a lot of challenges in life I feel.

some negative things but also one amazing thing ..

Going through IVF, the doc and I were laughing during the lovely (not) very invasive process of embryo transfer. People in the waiting room were staring as we came out laughing ( best to laugh as its a very awkward thing!).
Two weeks later getting the 'congratulations' call....I can remember the transfer day so well and so clearly. (and our beautiful compassionate doctor called me after the birth to congratulate me).

One that I think about a lot is when I went to university and it was my first week and I got dressed up to go out with my new housemates so there were a group of a about 12 of us and some guys passed us in the street and one of them said to me "fuck me you're ugly". I knew already I was of course but I was so so humiliated. I wish he knew how deeply that hurt me, I assume to him it was just a hilarious throwaway line.

I wonder if maternity healthcare professionals know how much their words stick.

I had a really traumatic prem twin birth. Many weeks later we requested a debrief through the PALS team and the midwife who actually ran the midwife team when I delivered came out to our house and talked us through the whole thing bit by bit and answered any questions.
At the end she smiled and said, "So, see you again in a couple of years then?". DH and I burst out laughing and said, no way ever again. But the fact that she had faith that I could do it again, when I felt like my body had failed completely and there was no way I could go through another birth, was so confidence inspiring. I think about her often.

This thread is the most moving thing I've ever read. I am in awe that so many women have endured such cruelty and still continue to lead good lives for all

The cheerful/happy ones are lovely too!

"You're the kind of girl who will always be alone. You'll die alone, no one will ever care about you or want you."

Said to me by a guy who definitely even now exhibits signs of untreated mental instability.

Weirdly I was surrounded by a group of other friends and acquaintances while this guy projected his worst fears onto me.

One of those acquaintances is currently lying next to me (my husband of 8 years-been together for 13 years-and our four children are sleeping soundly).

I still, even now, fluctuate between sympathy for the guy who said those things and frustration that someone could say that to a 20 year old kid filled with her own insecurities. Anyway, he articulated my worst fears and here I am 13 + years later enjoying everything he said I wouldn't.

DP saying to me a very long time ago, when I didn't know where life would take me, that I would always do what I wanted to do (and not what other people expected).

It came true, because him saying that gave me the confidence to follow my heart. Really changed my life.

Lots and lots of negatives but I refuse to dwell on them

I remember telling my boss that my son was in the process of being diagnosed with autism, she told me she knew it was hard and "it's a good job he's got a mum like you to fight his corner" I thought that was really nice

Also remember the day after I passed my driving test DH (then DP) telling me to wait on the front door step, 5 mins later he drives past in this little Peugeot I've never seen before and he's beeping the horn, opened the window and says "how do you like your first car?" I will always remember that day

I had a very difficult relationship with my parents so left home to go to uni, it was that or I would have died, I was 18. I came home from uni for my first Christmas break. My 17 year old sister out of the blue told me she loved me, we weren't (still not) an outwardly emotional family so it took me by surprise, that following March she was killed in a car accident..

'you're nothing but a cunt, a useless, worthless cunt.' my 'father', not the worst of his crimes but one of the ones that has stuck with me the most

my sister screaming at me 'at least i still have MY daughter' after my dd had died and i was struggling to cope with her twin brother

my friends dropping me like a i was a hot stone after i became more visibly disabled, needing crutches to walk and me overhearing that they think i'm an embarrassment and that they are ashamed to be seen with me

BUT my beautiful ds tells me he loves me even though i'm not cool and he tells me i'm the most beautiful mum in the world and even though he's 12 now, he still climbs on my lap for cuddles

and dp, wonderful, magical dp who still tells mei'm beautiful, who tends my sores, who helps me shower and dress and still finds me sexy. I never imagined i'd meet someone who who would be so kind, so loving and wo would do his best to try and make me believe that i am worth it, that i am loveable and that i am special

The births of my dcs will stay with me for ever. they were amazing and they haunt me (in a good way).

I also remember how kind the old ladies were when I was on mat leave with a newborn. I looked like shit, my babies both had really bad skin when they were newborn, all our baby stuff was second hand and grotty. I dragged myself about and these lovely, kind strangers treated me like a film star. They really propped me up and I will never, ever forget it. I will know what to do when I am old and I see an exhausted looking woman with a tiny spotty baby.

I remember that 9/11 postcard and think about it from time to time.

One of my best friends once said something that's stayed with me "I always admire how you make your mind up and just go for things, I wish I was like that." It was when I'd decided I needed a change and was going to move to London. She's right, I do always throw myself in at the deep end, and I've realised it's something I like about myself too. I'm going to be taking a massive, scary risk work wise at the end of the year, and I keep reminding myself of this.